


The Past Is Your Own

by ladyamesindy



Series: Serafina Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-13
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2017-11-18 14:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 54,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/562264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyamesindy/pseuds/ladyamesindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your past is yours.  No one can take that away."  Commander Shepard</p><p>A collection of one-shots from the Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and Mass Effect 3 timeframe involving Commander Serafina Shepard and the associated cast of characters.  These will be posted in no particular chronological order, just as the muse decides to toss them my way.  Collectively, these are the 'prequel' to Shepard's story which will follow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Your Letter

Timeframe:  The following messages were exchanged between Shepard and Kaidan after his (more or less) release from Huerta Memorial Hospital and before the failed Cerberus coup attempt on the Citadel.

* * *

  
Scuttlebut

From: Spectre Kaidan Alenko

Commander,

Scuttlebut around the Citadel right now has it that you’ve rescued the remaining students from Grissom Academy.  I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear you got them safely out of Cerberus’ reach.  Especially the biotics.  Who knows what they might have done to or with them had they gotten their hands on them.  Then again, having told you about my experiences at BAaT, I know you understand.  I guess I just wanted to say thanks.

I’m glad we had a chance to talk last time you were here.  Since then, things have just turned crazy.  Doc still has me stopping by the hospital on a daily basis.  She’s still treating for the headaches, if nothing else, though she seems satisfied that my implant didn’t suffer any permanent damage from my injuries on Mars.  She still won’t tell me what she’s giving me to drink, though.  I might have to ask you to try to find out next time you’re here ‘cause she sure won’t tell me!

Anyway, have to get back to things here.  We can talk more later.

Kaidan

* * *

  
RE: Scuttlebut

From: Commander Shepard

SPECTRE Alenko, 

We dodged a pretty big bullet with Grissom, that’s for certain.  Truth be told, though, we got lucky.  Our communications specialist discovered something funny in the transmission and after consulting with EDI they determined that it was a faked signal.  Not surprising when you look at who was behind it, I suppose, and this wasn’t the first time they’ve tried something like that.  The Illusive Man apparently doesn’t mind repeating his methods.  Not sure if that’s arrogance or indifference, to be honest, but either way, it worked to our advantage.

At any rate, we arrived in time and rescued the students, an instructor and Kahlee Sanders, the headmistress.  Remind me to tell you about her next time we meet.  Seems she and Anderson know each other from way back.  As for the students - I think you’d be impressed with their skills, Kaidan.  Some of them might even have potential for Spec Ops.  For now, though, they are helping out in the front ranks, forming a biotic company focusing on ‘artillery strikes,’ at least that’s how they describe it.  From what I saw of them in action at the Academy, the Reapers better watch out!

So, yeah … we’ve been having an interesting time of it.  Right now I’m trying to broker a treaty between the turians and the krogan in order to get help for Earth.  Don’t ask - it’s complicated.  But remind me next time I see Anderson to remind him I’m not cut out to be a politician!

And on that note, I’ve just been informed I need to go referee between the turian and krogan representatives yet again.  It was good to hear from you, Kaidan.  Glad to hear you’re feeling better.

Shepard

PS - Don’t try pulling rank on me, there, Major!

* * *

   
RE: RE: Scuttlebut

From: Kaidan Alenko

Shepard -

The turians and the krogan?  Now that would be something to see.  Not surprisingly, I’ve not heard much about that at this end.  Don’t know if that’s a planned thing or not, but just to be safe, I’ll keep quiet about it.  If it’s something important, I’ll hear about it when I should, and if not, you can tell me more next time we see each other.

I’m settling into the whole Spectre routine, I guess.  Spoken with a couple of others, but for the most part Udina is keeping me close at hand for now.  Not sure if that’s by design (the doc is still insisting I need to visit the hospital daily) or what, but at least it’s giving me time to ease into the position.  Following in your footsteps is almost intimidating, you know?

Still no word yet on or about any of my Spec Ops students, though I’m now able to use Spectre resources to help with the search.  Trying to keep a positive outlook on that end of things.  I’ll let you know what I find out if anything.

Stay safe, Shepard.

Kaidan

PS: Biotic artillery strikes?  I think I need to hear more about this!

PPS: You know how I am about following regs, Shepard.

* * *

  
 ~~RE: RE: RE: Scuttlebut~~  Something New

From: Commander Shepard

Kaidan -

I’m not surprised you haven’t heard about this deal I’m focused on, especially considering that the asari do not believe it feasible and the salarians do not wish the krogan conditions to be met.  Right now the only Council race behind it is the turians.  But then again, this new turian primarch is rather unique in the way he views things.  

Basically what was SUPPOSED to happen was a meeting between turians, salarians and asari regarding the Reaper threat and what to do next.  It became something else entirely when the new turian primarch decided he wanted to bring the krogan in to help with the fight against the Reapers on Palaven.  The asari refused to join us flat out at that point (mostly along the lines of they don’t believe any treaty can be successful with such a hate-filled history between races) and honestly I’m surprised the salarian dalatrass even showed up given her (and by ‘her’ I mean the salarians as a whole) adamant refusal to give in to any of the krogan concessions.  I’m sure by now she’s wishing she hadn’t.  

The best part?  Get this - Wrex is the krogan representative!  And boy, did he give the dalatrass a headache from the get go.  Not that she didn’t deserve it.  Even the turian primarch had to agree to that point.

Gist of it all this political machinating is that we are now attempting to get the turians and krogan to work together - no small feat, mind you - despite the salarians.  Needless to say, I think the only reason that we have even gotten this far is because of my Spectre status.  Considering that two-thirds of the Council now are against me, I can’t help but wonder if they aren’t wishing they’d taken that back.  Anyway, if this works, I’ve no doubt you’ll hear about it then. 

Kaidan - without going into details, I don’t know how to express it other than this treaty has huge potential.  There’s still a chance it might not work, but if it does … it could be a step in the right direction, and give the Reapers something serious to think about, give us a chance to take Earth back.  

Take care, Kaidan.  I’ll update you when I know more.

Shepard

PS: Not ALL salarians are against this treaty, I guess.  Remember Virmire?  I recently met up with some … friends who had some … interesting views on the current situation.  More later.

PPS: Remind me to tell you about the ‘krogan airdrop’ Wrex performed on Sur’kesh.  Almost as good as our 'confrontation' on Virmire.  

PPPS:  Mmmhmm.  I remember quite well your arguments in that regard.  
  


* * *

  
RE: Something New

From: Kaidan Alenko

Shepard - 

Looking forward to hearing more detailed accounts of your attempts at playing diplomat, but I know if anyone can succeed at this, you can.  Glad to hear Wrex is involved.  If there is any krogan has the interests of his people at heart, he does.  Just remember to duck if he decides to head-butt.  Last thing we need is you here at the hospital with a concussion!

Hey, had a brief vid message from Anderson the other day, congratulations and all that.  It was good to see him, if only for a moment.  I can only imagine the hell they’re going through back on Earth right now.  Almost makes me wonder if I shouldn’t head back there to help the resistance.  Almost.

Stay safe out there, Shepard.

Kaidan

PS: I do remember Virmire.  Good to know.  Thanks.

PPS: Krogan airdrop?  This I have to hear!

PPPS: Are you trying to flirt with me, Commander?

* * *

  
Sorry To Have Missed You

From: Commander Shepard

Kaidan -

Sorry to have missed you the last time we were docked at the Citadel.  I stopped by the hospital, but was told you were off on some mission for Udina.  Even Dr. Michel was bemoaning the fact that you hadn’t stopped in yet that day.  Something involving the refugees?  Anyway, I didn’t want to ‘steal your thunder’ by showing up.  I figure we’ll meet up again eventually.  Make sure when we do that you have plenty of time free - I keep adding stories to the list of ones to relate to you.  Do you still have that bottle of whiskey?  You might need a drink after some of the stuff I have to tell you.

On the other hand, maybe it’s better that we missed each other this time.  After our last mission on Tuchanka, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind for chatting.  The road to this treaty has been anything but easy, so I suppose I should have expected the troubles we encountered.  And sadly, I can’t blame it all on Cerberus as much as I might like to.  Some of it stems from long-time hatreds between the turians and the krogan.  Bloody idiots, sometimes, I swear!  Sometimes I understand why the krogan want to shoot everyone in sight.  I swear for each step forward we take, we end up taking two more backwards!  Yet somehow, we are making progress.  

We’re back off to what I hope is the final push in order to get the turians and krogan to work together.  Wish us luck - nothing in this journey has gone as it should.  Again, more stories to tell, but no time right now.  

Here’s an idea - when next we dock at the Citadel, why don’t you join us for a meal at least?  The others would like to see you too, I’m sure, and it’s as much their story to tell as mine.  Or we can meet at _Purgatory_.  I promise, I’ll keep my dancing to a minimum.  Anyway, your choice.  

Shepard

PS: No comment ….  
  


* * *

  
RE: Sorry To Have Missed You

From: Kaidan Alenko

Shepard -

Finally made it up to the hospital sometime after you’d gone.  One of the nurses said you’d been in looking for me.  We’ll definitely have to meet up soon.  I’m curious to hear what you’ve been up to all these weeks.  Still have that whiskey you gave me and I can bring it along.  The only downside to _Purgatory_ are the crowds and the noise.  I think my best chance for hearing this tale is on board the _Normandy_.  Tell the others I expect them to be there as well.  It will be just like old times.

Have to run - Thane’s needing my help with something.  Will definitely catch up with you soon.

Kaidan

PS - I’ve seen you ‘dance,’ Shepard, and I recall being quite satisfied with your talents in that regard.    
  


* * *

_***URGENT*** _

Need Your Input

From: Commander Shepard

Kaidan -

The _Normandy_ is en route to the Citadel as I write this.  Should be there in a few hours.  Councilor Valern has brought something to my attention that I’d like to get your input on if you have time.  Sounds serious, too.  Can we meet up after I speak with him?  

Shepard


	2. One Step At A Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: Just after the Cerberus coup attempt on the Citadel. Shepard returns to the Normandy with a new crew member who realizes something more is going on.

 

  
_Siha,_  
 _I write this with a heavy hand, knowing you will read this letter when I am no longer able to share my thoughts. I am dying, Siha. Perhaps because of the differences between our species, I can hope that time will treat you with kindness and dim the hurt of my passing to faded recollections that a drell would forever remember with perfect clarity._

_Selfishly, however, I could not leave this world without leaving a piece of me behind that would never fade._

_I once accepted my fate. Nothing remained but a shell destined to die. I only had to choose the when and how of my passing. I had refused to be confined to a bed, gasping horribly as my life beeped away to machinery I had no use for. I thought of my Irikah, broken, bloodied, and betrayed by my absence. Of Kolyat, small and afraid, bravely pushing at his eyes to stem the flow of tears I had entrusted to him to cry... for both our sakes._

_The expectation to move swiftly to my end vanished upon uniting with your cause. You awoke me, Shepard. My heart quickened its sluggish beat if only to remain at your side and protect you with everything that I am. I was content to simply watch, take the time left given and praise all I know for allowing me to walk my final days with hope and certainty that I am worthy of more than my cold isolation, solely because you believed._

_I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact. By grace given me by the Goddess Arashu, I bid her divine protection to you, my warrior-angel, my Siha, to succeed in your destiny. To light your path through the coming darkness. To give you hope, when all seems lost._

_I will await you across the sea._

_Thane_

[letter is what is sent to Shepard in game after Thane’s death if she romanced him]

* * *

  
  
The expression on Shepard’s face as she had entered the docking bay after the coup attempt had been grim, but Kaidan hadn’t been able to keep himself from speaking to her of the events that had just occurred involving them rather than focusing on her at that moment.  Especially not once she started asking after him, purposely deflecting any talk he might have away from her.  At the time, he hadn’t given it much thought, particularly after what they’d just gone through, so he’d run with it.  Allowed her to lead him as he and the others often did.  She was their commander.    
But that didn’t mean he’d not noticed nor had he forgotten.

Now aboard the _Normandy_ and settled into the crew quarters, Kaidan had the time to reflect back over what had happened earlier in the day, to recall some of the details he’d not focused on at the time and decided it was time to do something about it.  He could have mentioned it to Garrus or Liara, both of whom had known Shepard almost as long as he had and both who had been present during the events on the Citadel and might have some more detailed assessment, but this was something he wanted to follow through with on his own.  He suspected, though he wasn’t quite certain why at the moment, that it might have a bearing on their relationship, and given the current uneasy nature of that, this might just be a moment that could help.

The trick once he had made his decision, though, was in determining just where she had gone.  Thoroughly investigating the ship, it wasn’t until he’d approached Joker that EDI (and damn!  Why hadn’t anyone thought to warn him EDI was now in Dr. Core’s body?  He’d nearly pulled a weapon on her!) had informed him Shepard had retreated to her cabin for the duration of their journey to their next destination.  Excusing himself, he’d headed in that direction.  That was why he now found himself standing outside the door to her cabin debating whether or not he should knock.  There’d been a time, now long past, when he’d known he could easily get away with just walking in ….

* * *

  
  
This war was taking its toll on her.  Shepard knew that.  To this point, she’d insisted to those who had challenged her on it - Garrus, Liara, Dr. Chakwas - that she was fine, that she would ‘sleep when she was dead’ or something along those lines.  She was Commander Shepard, their leader.  It was her responsibility to show them the way, to do the same things that she would ask of them only more so, to prove herself time and again.  Hadn’t Liara told her that they stood the best chance of defeating the Reapers with Shepard leading the way?  It would not do for any of them to see her indecisive or in any other way coming across as unprofessional.  That was why she was in her cabin now.  Alone.

The message had taken her by surprise.  Coming on the heels of his death, Thane’s last note had hit her unexpectedly and nearly caused her to break into tears while in the CIC.  It had taken every last effort to find a way to tell Traynor to hold any messages or visitors.  She needed the time alone … to remember, to reflect, to say goodbye.  She’d barely made it into the cabin before the pain had overtaken her, her body sagging heavily against the embedded fishtank as she sank to her knees on the floor.  Tears had started without permission, rolling heavily down her cheeks, soaking her collar.  But once they had started, she couldn’t seem to stop them either.  Time began to pass without measure.

The realization that she was no longer alone came with the weight of a hand at her shoulder, the light brushing sound of fabric rubbing against itself as he moved, the familiar sound of his voice filled with concern as he knelt beside her.  “Shepard?  Are you alright?”  Lifting her head, she found golden brown eyes searching hers for an indication of what was wrong.  And surprisingly, for something that should have helped her break out of this despair, if only in embarrassment that he had found her like this, Shepard felt another wave of misery wash over her.  This was more than just the loss of a friend or lover.  This was the repetition of history on a personal level.  

* * *

  
  
In the end, he’d heard a sound, he couldn’t quite define it, and that had caused him to act.  Entering unannounced, Kaidan didn’t have to move far into the cabin to find her, and once he did, he found he could not hide his concern from her.  His first thought was that she had been injured during the battle against Cerberus, something that had been minor and perhaps now was causing her pain.  “Shepard, talk to me,” he pleaded.  He ran his hands over her, shoulders, arms, torso, legs and all, searching for a wound or other injury that might need attention.  But all this seemed to do was set her off sobbing once more.  He heard the shaky intake of breath, the quaver in her tone as it ripped up and outwards as pain rose from deep inside.  Frowning, he lifted his hands to cradle her face, to force her to look up at him.  “Shepard?”  
She tried shaking free from his touch, and though he did not force her to remain, he kept his hands in place, the pads of his fingers slowly stroking her cheeks.  He noted her eyes closing tightly, but felt some relief when she ceased her struggles to break free.  “Commander,” he urged, concern still clear in his voice, “do I need to send for Dr. Chakwas?  Are you injured?”

Immediately, she shook her head.  “No,” she rasped out, her voice sounding nearly as strangled as her wail had a moment before.  Kaidan thought to continue asking her questions, to try and narrow down the problem.  It was then that he saw her wave at a datapad nearby.  “It’s not ….  I’m just ….”  He heard another sob rising just then and saved her the trouble of continuing by reaching over to take the datapad in hand, scanning it quickly.  Understanding came almost immediately.  Though he’d not been at the Executor’s office or at the hospital when it had happened, he’d heard the rumors that had begun floating around shortly after events had played out.  “Kaidan -”

His focus returned to her from his thoughts, and he saw a desperation in those blue eyes that nearly tore him in two.  Dropping beside her, he reached over and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close.  “I’m so sorry,” he managed after a moment, hoping it would suffice but worried that it might fall short.  

Shepard followed where he led, her head dropping to his shoulder.  At his words, simple but heartfelt, she allowed another wave of grief purchase.  Leaning into the support of his embrace, she sought solace.  As he had assured her when asking to rejoin the crew of the _Normandy_ , he had her back.  

Kaidan sat there, holding her, hoping he was offering comfort yet feeling rather awkward all the same.  He took a moment to reread the message, just a side glance at the datapad still held in his hand, and as he did he attempted to mesh the person he had come to know while at Huerta Memorial Hospital with the man who came across in this message.  When they had first met, Kaidan hadn’t realized the drell was the man to whom Shepard had turned after Horizon.  They had spoken briefly - after all, when stuck in the intensive care unit of the hospital, if you could speak and find someone else who could, the bond was almost as instant as it was strong.  Kaidan recalled his initial reaction to the drell - he’d been a difficult man _not_ to like.  And to be honest, later, even once he’d realized that this was the assassin with whom Shepard had had her involvement, he had felt the same.

Shepard snuffled a bit, her hand rising to swipe at the moisture that covered her cheeks and still trailed in small rivulets from the corner of her eyes.  Head rising, she swallowed past the lump that had settled in her throat back at the hospital.  How she had ever gotten through her conversation at the docking bay with Kaidan without revealing the depth of the pain she’d been feeling at that time was a mystery to her.  “Thanks,” she rasped, her husky voice still scratchy with the intensity of the ache.  

Kaidan lowered his arm to rest at her lower back.  “He was a good man,” he told her softly, sincerely.  “I got to know him at the hospital.”

Shepard’s laugh was mixed with another sob.  She remembered Thane’s promise.  “Yes,” she agreed.  “He told me … he said ….”  The memory continued to cause her trouble when speaking.  Taking a deep, steadying breath, Shepard tried again.  “When he found out that you and I had been close … I think ….”  She managed to turn her head to meet his gaze head on.  “Thane’s wife was killed by his enemies years ago,” she explained quietly.  “Retribution.  Vengeance.  When he found out what you meant to me, I think he thought to do for me what he could not do back then for himself.  Protect you from any enemies who might try to get to me through you.  Protect me from having to go through a similar situation to his own.”  A shudder rattled through her, her shoulders shaking with the motion.  “Little did I realize what the cost would be ….”

Kaidan hesitated a moment, digesting this.  It made sense, in a way, he supposed.  But also, it had him wondering if, had their positions been reversed, if he could have done the same.  “Thane was the first to realize what was happening when Cerberus attacked,” Kaidan finally announced, the hand at her back beginning to lazily stroke along her spine, offering what comfort he could through touch.  “He found me and we decided we had to act.  He would go to C-Sec, I would find the councilors.  We got out of the hospital just ahead of Cerberus’ arrival.”  

Shepard nodded.  “He told us,” she returned.  At Kaidan’s look of surprise, she clarified, “Joker found him broadcasting on an emergency channel when we were on approach to the Citadel.  He warned us of what was happening, told us that you’d both escaped the hospital but then had separated.”  

Another pause, but not as awkward this time as he’d been afraid it might be.  “He told me once just how bad his condition had become,” Kaidan offered.  “What he was able to do to help you … that would have killed a lesser man before reaching you and the salarian councilor.”

Shepard’s eyes closed tightly.  “I know.”   She felt her balance tilt suddenly, but it lasted for the briefest of moments as she landed in his arms and against his shoulder once more.  Her voice wavering still, she told him what Thane had told her in the hospital before he’d died.  “He … he later joked that Kai Leng should be embarrassed,” she explained.  “To have a terminally ill man get the better of him like that … but all I could see ….”

Kaidan’s grip tightened.  His hand rose then, tangling in the long dark waves she had released from the usual knotted pile she kept it in.  Stroking gently, he murmured, “Don’t do this to yourself, Shepard.”  He felt her shaking once more and turned to press a light kiss against her forehead, something friendly, empathetic and completely platonic.  “From what I understand,” he continued a moment later, “Thane was fulfilling your request to assist in the only way that he could.”

Shepard nodded silently.  Yes, she could see Thane using such logic against her.  “He … he was running out of time,” she whispered.

“Yes.”  Kaidan felt her relaxing against him now, as if his words were helping.  He hoped they were.  From what the drell had told him over the weeks of their friendship, he had definitely been living on borrowed time.  

* * *

  
  
Shepard reached for the datapad, her eyes scanning the words once more.  Before leaving him behind, she’d told him, “Meet you across the sea,” her promise that she would be with him soon.  But she realized that certain things needed to be completed first, that she could not just go out and lose focus and give up on life.  That was not her way, and Thane most definitely would not have wanted that for her.  Especially after he had explained to her how she had given him his desire to live back after ten years.  Taking his message in hand once again, Shepard allowed her eyes to linger over it, memorizing his words, seeing them for what Thane had meant for them to be, holding them close to her heart.  

Another moment or two, and Shepard finally felt the haze of grief easing up a bit.  In place of it, she began taking in her current surroundings.  Straightening, she pulled away from Kaidan, but she did not go far.  Using her shirt sleeve to wipe away what tears remained, she did not look at him.  She couldn’t.  There was not much that could cause her embarrassment where he was concerned - they had been close before, still were to a point.  Each had seen the other at their best and their worst.  But this ….  “Kaidan -”

He remained quiet at first, though he stayed seated beside her she noted.  When finally he did speak, he reached a hand out to take her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze first.  “Do you remember what you told me after Virmire?” he asked.

His question caught her off guard.   _Virmire?_  “Yes,” she returned.   _Why was he bringing up Virmire?_

Kaidan’s hand tightened just a bit, enough to catch her attention and to cause her to tilt her head up at him in question.  Apparently, it was what he’d been wanting because she found his eyes waiting for hers.  “This was Cerberus’ fault, not yours.  You and I both know that.”

Shepard inhaled sharply, startled by his comment.  “That’s not …. I wasn’t thinking ….”  She frowned then, taking a moment to truly search her reactions.   _Wasn’t it just, though?_ she challenged herself.   _Cerberus caught you off guard, you were unprepared … and you were blaming yourself for something that Kai Leng did, for losing another under your command, your protection._  Eyes closing tight for a moment, she exhaled softly.  “You know me too well, Kaidan,” she whispered.  She felt his hand move against hers once more, and this time, she tightened hers in return.  Eyes opening again, she looked over at him.  “Thank you.”  

Kaidan gave her one of his slightly lopsided smiles.  “I told you,” he reminded her quietly, “back at the hospital all those weeks ago … I’d like for us to at least be friends.”  Shepard nodded.  She had missed that with him as well.  “And, today, when I said that I have your back, I didn’t just mean on the battlefield.”

This time, Shepard managed a small smile.  “Thanks, Kaidan.  That … means a lot to me.”  The smile he gave her in return helped steady her, had her reassured that he did have her back when it counted.  Hadn’t he just proved that?  Releasing his hand then, she covered her face for a moment, wiping away the last evidence of her emotional outburst.  Shepard wasn’t surprised when Kaidan rose first, offering her his hand a moment later.  Taking it, she allowed him to pull her to her feet, bringing her nearly face to face with him.  

Neither breaking eye contact, Shepard finally found some of her old humor, managing, “So, major … settling back in?”  

If there was a slight crack in her voice, he was kind enough not to mention it.  Instead, he smiled and jabbed lightly, “Hey, I saw EDI on the way up here.  Scared the shit out of me!”  Shepard chuckled softly, a mixture of embarrassment and relief, she supposed.  “You might have warned me.”

Smile widening just a bit more, she asked, “You okay?”

“She looks good though ....”  

The look he gave her then told her that any disconcertion he’d had regarding EDI was long gone.  Chuckle turning a bit more into a laugh, she pushed at his shoulder just enough to catch his attention.  “Dismissed, major,” she told him, but she made certain he could hear her appreciation in her tone.  

“Aye aye, commander.”  


	3. Space Truckin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I went there! I had to borrow the Deep Purple song title for this one because ... well ... it just fit! And yes, the hamster has a Firefly connection.
> 
> This chapter occurs sometime after One Step at a Time, but before Kaidan and Shepard meet for a 'sanity check' on the Citadel. Shepard is in search of something on board the Normandy and Kaidan decides to offer assistance.

  
  
The muted thunk of something solid hitting heavily against metal resounded throughout the lower depths of Engineering followed by a pained, “Dammit!”  

Brow creased in concern, Kaidan paused in between doors to the department.  He’d been on his way to speak with Chief Engineer Adams, but a slight edginess over what he’d heard and no small amount of curiosity had him descending the steps instead.  This he had to investigate first.

His booted steps were nearly silent during his descent, but that didn’t matter as the further down he went the louder the mutterings and the cursings became, even over the sound of the humming reverberations of the mass effect core through the chamber.  It became clear, well before he saw her, that the voice belonged to Shepard.  But what she was doing in the lower engineering decks was beyond him.  “Shepard?”

She hadn’t heard him approach, so when he called her name, standing only a few feet away, Shepard jumped … and banged her head yet again on another crate.  “Ow!” she ground out, falling back to sit while lifting a hand to rub at the injured area.  

“Shepard, what are you doing?”

She sighed.  Why did he have to find her now?  Why did any of them ever have to find her in situations like these?  Because now there would need to be explanations and the inevitable amusement, such as was associated with her lack of dancing abilities to name just one example, and then ultimately she would have to just brush it off and set it aside.  

“I’m looking for something.”  That seemed to catch him off guard if his facial expression was an indication, she noted.  

“Down here?  I would have thought your stuff would be stored up in your cabin.”  Kaidan kept his eyes on her where she was seated, but he leaned over to rest his arm on the stack of crates next to her.  

“Yeah, well ... this is different.”

Kaidan sensed there was more to the story by the way she wouldn’t quite look at him.  “Oh?  How so?”  He saw her scowl just a bit, wondered briefly if she was still suffering residual effects from the biotic attack the day before that Javik had launched on them as he’d been set free of his stasis pod.  But then he noticed a light pinking of her cheeks, saw her turn away further and realized that she was … embarrassed about something.  What was going on here?  “Shepard?”  

She heard the fabric of his fatigues brushing against itself as he knelt down beside her.  “Look, Kaidan, it’s … nothing.  Really,” she protested as he reached out to catch her chin with his hand, gently guiding her to look at him.  When their eyes met and held for a second, Shepard sighed once more and gave in.  Damn, whenever he gave her that look - the one that showed her just how much he cared despite all that had happened between them and how concerned he was about her - she just … melted.  Caved.  Forgot all about why she was trying to hide this from him.  “It’s stupid,” she murmured, but she held his look this time.

Kaidan smiled.  Thumb rubbing against her jaw in a soothing manner, he informed her, “Not stupid.  Not when you’re the commander and you make the rules, right?”

Shepard laughed,  the soft snort of air escaping before she could stop it.  “If you can say that after I tell you, we’ll see,” she warned.  She watched as he turned and settled into a seated position next to her then, waiting for her to continue.  Another heavy and over exaggerated sigh later, she began.

“I’m looking for Wash.”

Kaidan blinked in confusion.  “You’re … what?”

Shepard’s cheeks darkened just a bit more.  “Wash.  That’s his name.”

“Whose name?”

Shepard bit her lip for a long moment.  “My hamster.”

“Hamster?”

Shepard could see the confusion in his face and couldn’t help the small grin that pulled at his lips.  Swallowing back her amusement, she tried again.  “I bought him last year … on the Citadel,” she explained.  “He got loose during the retrofits, I guess, and I found him down here after -”  she swallowed hard as she recalled it was right after they’d left him unconscious on the Citadel, “- on our way to Palaven,” she corrected herself.  “I named him Wash.”

“Alright.”  Kaidan felt a bit of the confusion fading, but …  “But why name him Wash?”

“It’s short for Washburne,” she explained.  Shepard saw the confusion returning.  “Our dog when I was a child,” she clarified, her tone suddenly more quiet and subdued.  

“You had a dog named Washburne?”

Shepard nodded.  “Well, he was Kaysey’s dog more than mine, but yes.  Hey,” she added when she saw that he was beginning to understand, “I’d never had a pet of my own before.  What else was I supposed to name him?”

“No … no, it’s okay,” he assured her.  “I get it.  And it’s a fine name.”  Kaidan realized he of all the crew on board probably knew more about Shepard’s past on Mindoir than anyone.  She had told him of Kaysey, and he made the connection between her twin’s pet and its importance to her now.  “But I’m still confused.”

Shepard felt her brow quirk upwards.  “Oh?  About what?”

“Why you’re down here looking for him.”

“Ah, that,” she murmured, her eyes dropping to stare at her hands that were laying in her lap.  “He got loose again, you see ….”

Kaidan suspected that there was more to the story given how she was lacing her fingers together, unlacing them, and then repeating the procedure.  A telling sign if any, right?  “He got loose?”  She fidgeted then, shifting in her seat just a bit, pointedly not looking in his direction again.  “Shepard?”

The exhalation of her sigh was so heavy and strong, he saw the loose pieces of hair around her face moving in response.  “I was holding him … and he jumped free and scurried off ….”

Kaidan felt a grin fighting to be set free.  The idea of their unflinching, hardened marine, N7 special ops commander holding and petting a hamster was an intriguing one.  “Holding him?”

Frustration leaked out in a growling sound.  Glaring over at him, Shepard asked, “You have a problem with that, major?”  She saw his eyes widen just a bit, but she could tell he was not intimidated by her reaction in the least.

“No problem with that at all,” he replied, though she saw the corners of his mouth twitching.  He was laughing at her!  

Turning towards him, she shifted so that she was on her knees before him.  Eyes darkening, irritation flaring, she leaned in towards him and in a lower tone, added, “Then what is the problem.”

Kaidan realized he’d erred just a bit (though he wasn’t quite certain where), and fell back on the only tactic he’d ever successfully used with her before - distraction.  Granted, it had been a couple of years, but if luck was on his side ….  “You know, Shepard,” he told her, holding his position steady, his eyes never leaving her gaze, “your eyes are the most incredible shade of blue.”

He heard her inhale sharply, saw the surprise in her eyes as she registered what he’d said.  He also noticed that the left corner of her mouth tilted just enough that he realized there was a smile attempting to break free.  Apparently, she did remember the last time he’d done this.  Lifting a hand to her cheek, he cradled it and coaxed her forward just a bit more.  

At his touch, Shepard leaned into it, feeling her eyes close half-way as she did so.  “Are you flirting with me, major?” she breathed.  

He stopped with their lips just a breath away from each other.  “Would you like me to, commander?” he asked, his own voice now a bit unsteady.

Shepard’s eyes closed the rest of the way.  With Thane’s death such a recent event, she felt a wave of guilt flow through her.  But she cared about Kaidan, always had.  So …  Eyes opening once more to meet his, she started, “Kaidan, I -”

Leaning forward, Kaidan pressed his forehead to meet hers.  “Shepard, don’t,” he insisted quietly as if he understood her dilemma.  “You don’t need to -”

A loud, indignant squeak in that moment startled them both and had the two jumping backwards, putting a bit of distance between them.  Kaidan seemed to recover first, glancing around, identifying the source and location of the sound and then reaching out quickly, grabbing the culprit and trapping him in his hands.  “Wash, I presume?” he asked, a slight tinge of amusement in his tone as he glanced over to where Shepard had sat back against the crates once more.  She looked a bit disconcerted, but her eyes were on his hands.  

Shepard smiled, reaching out to take the hamster in hand.  “Yes,” she agreed while lifting the small creature so she could rub her nose against Wash’s.  At this point, there was no sense in hiding her affection for the creature.  Kaidan surely would have figured that out already.  When Wash squeaked yet again, his whiskers twitching and tickling at her cheek, Shepard laughed.  It had been for this reason why he’d been out of his cage in the first place.  Wrinkling her nose at him, she murmured, “Silly thing.”  

Kaidan watched her reaction in silence, though he now had proof of his earlier observations regarding the importance of Wash to the commander.  Rising, he helped her up as well, guiding her by an arm as she held onto the hamster.  “You’d better get him back to his cage,” he commented, deciding on a topic of discussion that would be safe, general and non-specific for the moment.  What had just passed between them, or nearly had, could wait until later for further discussion.  

Shepard nodded, turning to face him.  “Kaidan -”  She saw him shake his head and so her initial comment was cut off, but she was able to add, “Thanks.” 

Kaidan offered a smile in return.  “Anytime,” he replied as he turned to leave.  “We can talk later.”

Shepard remained for just a moment, her eyes following after him, her thoughts drifting as she stood there petting Wash, her fingers rubbing the spot just behind his ears that he liked.  After another moment or two, she finally suggested softly, “Come on, Wash.  Let’s get you back home,” and turned to leave Engineering.  


	4. Another One Bites the Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place on Benning, pre-Cerberus coup attempt. Commander Shepard, Garrus and James have an interesting time of it while attempting to rescue innocent civilians from Cerberus.
> 
> With a little inspiration thanks to Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

  
  
“That’s four.”  
  
Shepard took a deep breath and sighted her target through the scope of her sniper rifle.  Slowly exhaling, she depressed the trigger at the same time.  An instant later, you could almost hear the shattering headshot as it exploded into a multitude of pieces.  Had to love the cryo ammo.  The echoes of a body shattering like glass was almost worth the extra effort and cost.    
  
“Twelve,” she tossed over in his general direction.  
  
“What?!”    
  
Shepard took another shot, adding to her total, before glancing over at her turian companion.   “What?” she countered, casual nonchalance marking her tone.    
  
“I’m not going to let a skinny, pale human spectre outscore me on this mission!”  
  
It took a moment, a moment in which they both lined up yet another shot each and fired, before they both broke out laughing at the other.  Given their line of work, they had to find some sort of amusement in it or they would go mad, right?    
  
“Fourteen,” she taunted back lazily, the Widow, now reloaded, rising in her hands again.  The nice thing about their current position was, she supposed, it’s relative defensibility.  The enemy could not flank them as they were, she on point, Garrus to the left and James to the right.  Behind her, the civilians they were aiding to freedom huddled safely out of the way.    
  
It also didn’t hurt that the troops just kept on coming.   _Inflated body counts my ass!_ she mused silently, taking aim once more.  Garrus and his jibes would be of no use to his claims this time around.  
  
“Madre de dios, not this _again_!” James protested, rising just high enough to launch a frag grenade over the stack of crates towards a small grouping of the enemy.  The resultant screams announced their fate.  “Can’t we ever go on a mission where you two don’t -”  
  
Again, Shepard chuckled.  “James, you wound me,” she quipped.  Garrus, she noted, just lined up another target with no comment.  Following suit, Shepard commented dryly, “One nice thing about Cerberus … they have no fear of wasting their troops on us.”  
  
Garrus did chuckle at this.  “Heh.  Makes you wonder where they all come from.”  
  
Shepard took another shot.  Watched another go down.  “Headshots only from here out,” she challenged, glancing over at the turian, grin widening.    
  
“As if you take any other kind of shot,” was the sardonic reply.  
  
Shepard laughed.  Her reputation was well known by now.  Hell, it was part of why Anderson had recruited her to join the Alliance in the first place, she supposed.  The fact that it only continued to improve over time did nothing but  -  
  
“Turret.”  
  
“Make that two.”  
  
Shepard’s thought were interrupted as she heard the telltale chatter of the machine turrets beginning to fire.  Peering over the edge of the crate she was using, she spotted them both.  One straight ahead, the other to her left.  “Garrus?”  
  
“Got it,” he replied, lining up his shot.    
  
Shepard took aim at the one before her, now turning to face her directly.   _Oh yes,_ she thought, _look right at me so I can get you straight through the gullet._  Seconds later, she ducked below the edge of the crate to avoid any flying metallic debris.  At the same time, she heard Garrus muttering something, but she couldn’t make it out.  “What’s that?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
Shepard chuckled and aimed for the combat engineer trying to replace the turret she’d just destroyed.  “Twenty.”   
  
“Blessed Spirits!” Garrus bit out, taking aim once more.    
  
Glancing over at his target, Shepard added enticingly,  “Bonus points if you can get the trooper and the centurion in one shot, Vakarian.”  
  
Garrus growled.  At least, Shepard thought it was a growl.  Hard to tell with turians.  “Problem there, Scars?” she quipped, hijacking James’ nickname for her friend.  
  
“No problem,” he countered immediately, lining up the shot.  “No … problem … at … _damn!_ ”  
  
Turning, Shepard’s Widow moved with her, almost as if it was an extension of her arm.  Taking aim quickly, the centurion went down for good.  
  
“Damn, Lola,” James murmured, whistling softly beneath his breath as he assisted the civilians to their feet.  “Remind me not to get on your bad side!”  
  
Shepard snorted softly, accepting Garrus’ hand as he pulled her up beside him.  In her ear, she could hear Cortez alerting her that he was inbound to their position.  “Got that Cortez.  We’re ready and waiting.”  
  
Glancing up at the turian, Shepard lifted a brow as she holstered her sniper rifle.  “Final count?”  
  
He snorted softly and shook his head in defeat as they watched the black, blue and white shuttle move into place.  “Nineteen.”  
  
Shepard grinned and rested a hand on his shoulder, patting lightly against the armor.  Once on board, she knelt by the civilians and double checked that they were uninjured.  “Get us out of here, Cortez,” she called forward once satisfied all was well enough.    
  
“Yes, commander.”  
  
Rising, she moved between her companions.  “And your total?” Garrus finally asked.  “Not that I want to hear it, but since we’re keeping track ….”  
  
Shepard looked up at him, a teasing smile playing at her lips.  “You’re right, Garrus.  You don’t want to hear it.”    
  
The sound of James’ laughter at least was louder than the muttered curses streaming from Garrus as they lifted into orbit.  It was a much better reward than Garrus buying her drinks next time they were on the Citadel.


	5. Dance Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after the coup attempt, once Kaidan is back on board the Normandy but before he and Shepard have their lunch on the Citadel together. 
> 
> Commander Shepard gets to show some of her crew just how well she can 'dance.'

He justified his arrival in the only way he could - he’d been in the War Room when the message had come in.  Knowing that Shepard was waiting on the information, he’d decided to deliver it to her.  In person.  And that was why he now stood there, before the closed door to her cabin, hesitating to knock and alert her to his presence. _It’s just business,_ he reminded himself.   _She needs the information._  But deep down inside, Kaidan knew there was more to it than that.  
  
Hand raising, he was about to knock when the door slid open.  Instinct had him taking a half step backwards, preparing a defensive position should she come barrelling out towards him without realizing he was right there.  However, as highly trained as she was, it didn’t surprise him that she too caught on, managing to stop herself in time.  “Kaidan!”  The breathy surprise in her voice nearly made him smile.    
  
Noting she was attempting to don a sweatshirt, he lifted the datapad in his hand and replied, “Hey, Shepard.  Got a minute?”  
  
The one thing about the commander he’d always appreciated was that if she could, she would drop everything and take the time for one of her crew.  “Sure.  Come on in.”  She stepped to the side, gesturing him into the cabin while pulling on the rest of the jacket.  “What’s up?”  
  
Kaidan handed over the datapad.  “Hackett sent the updated numbers on the Crucible.  I know you were waiting on them, so ….”  He shrugged.  
  
Shepard’s eyes scanned the pad quickly, and while she did, Kaidan stood back, leaning against the wall, and watched her reaction to the news.  In the past, she often lowered her defenses when she was around him, and he now noted that despite everything that had happened between them, this instance was no exception.  The slight wince at the corner of her eyes told him more than anything.   _She must have reached the part about the eezo requirements._  As she finished reading, tossing the datapad onto her desk nearby, he asked, “Would you like me to send him a reply?”  
  
Shepard shook her head, hand rising to pinch the bridge of her nose.  “No.  I know what needs to be done,” she replied.  A small sigh.  “The admiral does too.”  
  
“Hmm.”  
  
The silence between them dragged on for a moment until Shepard straightened.  “Anything else?”  
  
Kaidan shook his head, but found himself curious.  “Where are you off to in such a hurry?” he inquired, unable to refrain from asking.  While the ship was fairly large, the community on board was small enough that everyone knew almost everything about anything that was going on.  It was the nature of such a group.  
  
Shepard actually managed a passable smirk as she gestured him out of the room before her and towards the elevator.  “Dance lessons,” she replied vaguely, following him onto the lift.  
  
Kaidan found himself blinking in confusion as she dialed in their destination.  Dance lessons?  “Shepard, you know ….”  
  
Shepard laughed.  It was an odd sound, Kaidan decided, almost a cross between a chuckle and a giggle, and it didn’t last long, but it was … cute.  And decidedly her, though he’d never heard her make any sound quite like that before.  But he liked it and made the decision then and there that he’d have to try to get her to do it again.  “Relax, major,” he could hear the amusement in her tone, “it’s not what you think.”  
  
Crossing his arms, Kaidan lifted a brow and gave her a side glance.  “And just what am I thinking, Commander?” he returned.  The look that crossed her features then surprised him.  Startled?  Surprised?  Shocked?  Internally, he began to wonder if he’d let too much show just then.  He knew that she knew he still had feelings for her.  He’d made that clear weeks before.  But ever since the coup attempt and finding her alone in her grief, he’d tried to give her space.  He certainly didn’t want to pressure her or push her in any way.  But sometimes, when he was around her, it was hard to remember that.  
  


* * *

  
  
Shepard crossed her arms and matched his casual stance.  She hadn’t expected to find him outside her cabin, that was true enough, but the information he’d brought … well, she wasn’t surprised he’d been the one to deliver it.  They worked well together, on the battlefield or aboard ship.  He could quite frequently anticipate her requests as well as or better than almost anyone except, perhaps, Liara, Garrus or maybe Joker.  Even with the years apart, being around him again was … familiar. _Normal,_ even, and the fact that they’d fallen back into this role so easily did not surprise her in the least.  As for him being the one to deliver the reports she’d been waiting on, this came as no surprise at all.  
  
His reaction to her next destination, however, was.  Sort of.  Did he realize how easily he dropped back into that casual, flirtatious manner he had often displayed when they’d served together before?  Was he doing it on purpose?  Or was it simply his nature to react that way when around her?  Whatever the case, the few glimpses she’d had of it since his return to the _Normandy_ reminded her just how much she had missed having him around.  “You, like the others,” she replied while giving him a knowing look as the elevator slowed to a halt at the shuttle bay, “are thinking ‘What’s the point?  She’s beyond hopeless when it comes to dancing.’”  Turning to step out into the bay, she tossed a grin back over her shoulder at him.  “And you’d be wrong on that count, too, you know.”  
  
Before she could turn away, though, she saw the look that flashed in his eyes as he retorted, “Oh, I’m well aware of your dancing abilities, commander.”    
  
Shepard had to look away, turning to nod a quick greeting over at Cortez as she crossed the open space.  Damn!  His voice still could make her melt and tingle in such decidedly delicious ways!  “James!” she called out, forcing herself to divert her attention to the job at hand.    
  
She found the lieutenant working on modifications to his assault rifle.  “Commander,” he greeted her.    
  
“You ready to dance?”  
  
Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard noted that Kaidan had followed her over and was watching her interaction with Vega quite intently.  She felt a smile pull at her lips, but she kept her attention on Vega.  Since their first ‘dance’ together so many weeks before, this had become a weekly training ritual for them.  Since deciding to accept the N7 commendation he’d been given despite the current wartime situation, Shepard had decided to up the frequency of their little sparring sessions.  She used it as an opportunity to evaluate him both physically - she knew how he performed on the battlefield, but she also wanted to judge his reactions in close combat - and mentally.  So far, she’d been more than satisfied with the results.    
  
Chuckling in his usual manner, Shepard watched him brush off his hands and move out into the center of the shuttle bay.  “Any time, Lola,” he countered while moving into position.  
  
“Lola?” Kaidan repeated, confusion evident in his tone.  
  
Shepard snickered softly as she nodded at Vega and prepared herself to begin.  “Apparently,” she called over to Kaidan, “he doesn’t think my name is good enough for me.”  
  
“Some people just don’t match their names,” he returned by way of explanation on Kaidan’s behalf.    
  
“Do I even want to know any of the others?” Kaidan mused.  
  
Shepard chuckled, but allowed James to reply.  “Oh, depends on who it is, major.  Now, some of them are real simple,” James replied as he began circling with Shepard.  “Take Scars for instance.”  
  
“Scars?”  Shepard saw the momentary confusion in Kaidan’s eyes.  “Garrus,” she supplied.    
  
As always, James waited for Shepard to throw the first punch before responding in kind.  “And then there’s Doc and Sparks and -”  
  
Kaidan’s frown returned.  “Alright, Doc I get.  Liara, right?”  Shepard nodded just before ducking a toss by James.  “But … Sparks?”  
  
Shepard grinned, though her focus remained on the man dancing around her.  “Tali,” she grunted.  
  
Kaidan’s recognition was lost in the sound of James’ voice as he continued.  “Could be worse, commander,” he suggested.    
  
“Really?” she countered.  “Not that Lola is bad, by any means, but I am curious as to how you think it could be worse.”  She dodged another one of his swings just then, shifting to her right.    
  
“Could be calling you Loco instead,” he informed her with a saucy grin.  
  
Shepard ducked and spun, moving out of range of his counter punch to her left jab.  Their ‘dance’ was sort of like a game of chess.  They both opened with somewhat expected moves.  It was what tactics and strategies were employed that determined the outcome.  “You think I’m crazy, Vega?” she asked in a broken and breathy tone between jabs.    
  
“Only some of the time.  But then,” he grinned at her as he finally connected, just grazing her lower jaw when she didn’t move quite fast enough, “I guess you’ve got to be just a little bit loco to be a commander in the first place, no?”  
  
Shepard’s laugh was short and harsh given her current physical movement.  Whether he realized it or not, he was utilizing some of the skills she’d been trying to teach him.   _Time to take it to the next level._  “Next thing,” she managed just before making her own connection, her fist jabbing into his face, “you’ll be telling me I should be six foot tall, all rugged and manly, running around and saving the galaxy with one hand while chasing after a whole planet of blue beauties with the other.”  Her smile widened a bit as she saw the trickle of blood leaving his nose.  Good contact, that one.  
  
Not surprisingly, the entire shuttle bay went silent for a few long moments.  Even James hesitated, his guard lowering for a bit, his movement slowing as he just stared at her, dumbfounded.  A quick glance over at Kaidan and Shepard could see the startled expression on his face too.   _Oh, I’ll have to tease him about that later,_ she told herself while making a mental note.  The others gathered around him, including Steve, all seemed as slack-jawed as the rest.  A slow, lazy smile tilted at the corners of her lips as she raised a brow in challenge.  “What?  Am I wrong?” she challenged, swallowing back amusement.  Little did they realize she was maneuvering them just where she wanted them, or at least James, to be.     
  
James seemed to snap out of his shock first, shaking off the the contact to his face with a sharp toss of his head, but otherwise not reacting.  Shepard was glad to see him recover his wits so quickly.  “Oh, I don’t know, Lola,” he countered as he stepped towards her once more, their spar continuing.  “The way I see it …”  
  
Ignoring the others for the moment, Shepard kept her eyes on James and took advantage of his last moment of distraction.  There was a lesson to be learned here, one that she’d learned the hard way to never forget.  Ducking around, she positioned herself in such a way as to grab him by his arm, use his own weight against him, and toss him over her shoulder and onto his back on the floor.  It wasn’t the first time this had happened, and probably wouldn’t be the last.  Shepard just hoped that each time it _did_ happen, Vega took the importance of what she was trying to tell him from their encounter.  Leaning over him now, hands on her knees, her breath releasing in short rasps as she fought to recover herself, she gave him a hard look.  “The way I see it, lieutenant,” she gasped while using his own words against him, “is that you should _never_ take your eyes off your target, no matter who or what it is or what happens around you.”  Straightening, she offered him a hand to help him to his feet.  “Always expect the unexpected … and don’t let it distract you or make you lose focus.  Got that?”  
  
James, to his credit, nodded as he rose to his feet.  “Point taken, commander,” he replied before turning away to tend to his injury.  If he’d landed on his back, the lesson for the day was over.  
  
Shepard turned towards Kaidan then, nodding at Cortez and the others as the group broke up now that the ‘dancing’ was over.  “So,” she began while leading them off towards the elevator, “what did you think I’d meant by ‘dance lessons’?”  
  


* * *

  
  
Somehow, after all that had just transpired, Kaidan managed to find his voice.  “I know better than to answer that, commander,” he responded, holding the elevator door open for her as she preceded him.    
  
“Mmmhmmm.”  He glanced down at her as the door closed, hearing the laughter in her voice again.  It was almost that same sound as earlier, the one he’d thought was so cute.  And damned if he didn’t like hearing it as much now as he had then.    
  
Attempting to find a somewhat neutral topic of discussion, he thought back over the last few minutes and finally latched onto something.  “So … you’re Lola, Liara is Doc, Garrus is Scars and Tali is Sparks.   I shudder to think what other names Vega has for the crew.”  
  
Shepard snorted.  “Some are more memorable than others,” she replied with a knowing grin.  
  
A grin that had Kaidan nervous all of a sudden.  “Do I even want to know what he calls me?” he ventured.  Her grin widened.  “I’ll take that as a no.”  
  
Shepard chuckled.  “Oh, your’s isn’t so bad,” she replied, turning to face him.  He watched as she took a step forward, leaning in to murmur, “Flash.”  
  
It took him a moment to realize what she’d said, having been distracted by her closeness.  “Flash?” he echoed after a moment, pausing to consider it.    
  
Shepard nodded.  The elevator came to a halt at the crew deck level then, and he realized then that she’d set it for him.  Giving her one last look, he managed a small smile as he stepped out of the lift.  “I can live with that, I think.”  
  
Just before the door shut, he saw her smiling.  “At least it isn’t Buggy,” she said with a soft giggle, the door closing between them before he had a chance to get clarification.  As he turned towards the observation lounge, Kaidan found himself wondering just who ‘Buggy’ was … and then decided that he probably didn’t want to know.


	6. Twist of Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mars aftermath.

She hated walking away from Liara like that, leaving the asari to wonder about Shepard and her dedication to the cause, but the commander needed a moment.  She had worries, concerns, about her crew.  About Kaidan.  The encounter on Mars had taken its toll, and though they had managed to rescue most of the information needed, Kaidan’s injuries made it difficult for Shepard to focus on the larger issue just then.  Though they had had their differences over the past few years, the man had protected her.  She just hoped that he hadn’t ultimately given his life for her.  Besides, it wasn’t like she would be much help at the moment anyway, right?  Liara had the educational background to understand the blueprints she had accessed.  Shepard … all she did was point a gun and shoot.  Sort of.  Well, it was more complicated than that, but she knew her limitations and trying to interpret technical data was definitely beyond them.  
  
Stopping by her cabin first, Shepard changed from her armor and showered quickly, opting for fatigues afterwards before heading towards the med bay.  Entering the room, she found the lighting as bright and harsh as always, causing her to wince slightly.  Immediately, she reached for the dimming switch, lowering the brightness down to _some_ thing more tolerable for herself … and then just a bit lower.  If Kaidan should regain consciousness, she didn’t want him to have to add insult to injury with a migraine on top of everything else.  Approaching the gurney holding his immobile form, Shepard nodded at the marine seated nearby.  “I’ll relieve you,” she told him quietly.  
  
“Yes, commander.”    
  
Shepard barely noticed as the man turned and left the room, her focus solely on the friend lying before her.  Stepping closer, Shepard reached a hand out to rest lightly on Kaidan’s lower arm, lowering down the limb until she could slip her hand into his.  From what Liara had told her, the majority of his injuries were centered around his head and upper shoulders.  That made sense, Shepard supposed, given the nature of the battle.  She recalled with all too much clarity those moments in which Dr. Coré had nearly taken Kaidan’s life.  All Shepard had to do was close her eyes and she could watch the entire scene replay in very vivid and incredibly slow motion ....  
  
Shuddering, Shepard leaned over to search his face.  The bruising had darkened, and God knew what other internal injuries there were.  She felt her stomach churn a bit at that thought.  On the other hand, Liara had told her that what could be done had been done and now all they could do now was wait until they arrived at the Citadel where the medical staff could take over.  Swallowing back her concern, Shepard focused on the face before her.  She hated this feeling of helplessness, of being out of control of the situation.  She detested this inability to do something to help.  She was the one to whom the crew turned when they needed help.  If she couldn’t give that help, what sort of leader was she?  
  
Reaching behind her, Shepard pulled the chair closer so she could sit beside Kaidan.  She’d already lost Ashley to the cause, she wasn’t about to lose him as well.  Not yet, anyway.  “Hang in there, Kaidan,” she murmured as she settled herself onto the chair, tightening her hand around his just a bit before releasing it completely.  The next few hours were going to be some of the longest of her life.  
  


* * *

  
  
Shepard felt herself jerk up straight at the whooshing sound of the door opening.  When had she fallen asleep?  Eyes glancing first  over at Kaidan and then in the direction of the doorway, she soon realized that it was only Liara entering the room.  Rubbing at her eyes, Shepard murmured, “Hey, Liara.  What’s up?”  
  
The asari gave Shepard a gentle smile.  “I was just coming to check on Kaidan,” she replied softly.    
  
Shepard nodded, moving to stand then, stepping beside the other woman as she worked.  A hand moved to the back of her neck to rub at the discomfort there from falling asleep in such an awkward position.  “Everything okay?” she asked after a couple of moments, rolling her head and neck to loosen them up.  
  
Liara nodded, turning to face Shepard.  “As good as can be expected, I suppose,” she returned.  “Without a doctor on board, we can’t be sure.”  
  
Shepard nodded, a noncommittal sort of sound escaping her lips.  “How far out are we?” she inquired instead.    
  
Liara eyed Shepard closely.  “You should go up and get some proper rest in your cabin, Shepard,” she suggested without answering the question.  “I will stay with Kaidan.”  
  
Shepard frowned.  “How far?”  
  
Liara hesitated a moment longer but Shepard held her ground.  Being commander had its advantages after all.  “At least fifteen hours still, I would imagine.  You know as well as I that it isn’t a direct route.”  
  
Shepard’s eyes fell to Kaidan’s unconscious form once more.  Fifteen hours ….  Returning to the chair, she sat back down.  “I’ll stay.”  It was a statement of fact.  Nothing more, nothing less.  
  
Liara’s sigh was soft, but noticeable.  “Shepard -”  
  
Shepard glanced over at her friend.  “I will stay,” she repeated firmly.    
  
Liara turned and crossed her arms over her chest.  Tilting her head just a bit, she nodded at the gurney behind Shepard’s chair.  “Will you at least lie down and rest for a while?”  When Shepard started to protest, though, the asari moved forward.  “I will stay too,” she added.  “We can take turns watching over him.”  
  
At that moment, as Shepard opened her mouth to protest, a yawn overcame her and put paid to any further discussion.  She noted a slight smirk of victory touch Liara’s lips, though she moved quickly to hide it, but another yawn kept Shepard from commenting.  “Fine,” she finally muttered a bit belligerently.  On the other hand, she supposed her friend was right.  She did need rest.    
  


* * *

  
  
It wasn’t a sound or a motion that woke her this time, Shepard noted as her eyes flew open sometime later, but the lingering hint of a memory.  Inhaling sharply, she sat forward.  It took some moments for her to recognize her surroundings for it seemed that Liara had dimmed the lighting even further to make it easier for Shepard to sleep undisturbed.  
  
“Are you alright, Shepard?”  
  
Swallowing, Shepard shifted until her long legs dangled over the side of the gurney.  Leaning forward a bit and dropping to the floor, she nodded.  “Yeah.  I’ll be fine.”  Liara was seated on the opposite side of Kaidan’s gurney.  “How’s he doing?”  
  
“Same as before.”  Shepard rubbed the sleep from her eyes as Liara continued, “If you like I can go check with Joker to see how much longer?”  
  
Offering the asari a grateful smile, Shepard murmured, “Thanks,” before taking a long moment to stretch, hearing and feeling the small pops and cracks as her spine and joints realigned themselves.  Resuming her position in the chair, she reached towards one of her pants pockets and removed the item within.  It was time to start organizing her thoughts.   
  


* * *

  
  
“Commander?”  
  
Shepard’s head lifted at the summons, the book in her hands folding closed quickly.  “How long, Joker?”  
  
“About a half hour out.”  Liara had returned after her initial contact with Joker to inform her that they still had a few hours before their arrival.  It seemed that Shepard had managed to fill that time with her writings.  Sighing, she returned the book in her pocket.  Rubbing at eyes that were still tired, she ordered, “Joker, alert them that we’ll need a medical team standing by -”  
  
“Already done, Commander,” the pilot assured her.  “They’ll board as soon as we dock.  Liara and James are preparing to board with you.  I told them to meet you at the med bay.”  
  
Shepard couldn’t hold back a smile any longer.  After six long months, it felt good to be back together, despite their current circumstances.  This was _her_ team.  It felt right to be with them, working side by side again.  “Thanks, Joker.  You think of everything.”  
  
Rising to her feet, she stepped closer to Kaidan and leaned over, eyes scanning his features one last time.  “Hold on, Kaidan,” she murmured, her hand moving down to slide into his once more, squeezing just a bit to see if she could get any sort of reaction from him.  “We’re almost there.”    
  
She might have imagined it, in fact she was certain she had, but for the briefest of moments she thought she could feel him returning just the slightest bit of pressure against her hand.  Whether he had or not didn’t matter in the long run then or later, she supposed, but it was enough to give her hope.


	7. Dress Uniform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter (technically) comes sometime after Shepard and Kaidan have had their lunch together and are romantically involved. I honestly didn't give it much more thought than that as I was inspired to write it by a photoset that crossed my dash on tumblr.

****  
  
  
“No.”  
  
There was a pause before the protests began.  “But, Shepard …”  
  
“I think it’s adorable.”  
  
A soft rumbling growl could be heard, but it took the others a long moment to realize that it was coming from the commander.  “I said, no.  N. O.  End of story.  Absolutely not.”  
  
“Oh, come on, Commander!  There, turn around in a circle for us.  We want to see the full effect.”  
  
More grumbling followed, but Shepard turned slowly enough, hoping that her cooperation now would get them off  this current wild idea of theirs.  She wasn’t certain if they had all been in on it together (she highly doubted it since Liara had been the one to give her the clothing, but she wouldn’t put it past the asari to have accomplices), but she was certain it would not go any further than this room. Or, perhaps Liara’s cabin where she had changed.  Once she changed back into her fatigues, then it would be over, done with, kaput.  
  
Sadly, though, Shepard was beginning to suspect that the ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ she could hear at the moment would do just the opposite and keep them after her.  Hand rising, she covered her face and sighed.  This had been a bad idea.  Why she had ever allowed Liara to convince her to do this ….  
  
“It’s lovely!”  
  
“I agree completely.”  
  
Shepard scowled.  “Doctor, quit encouraging them,” she muttered irritably.  
  
Dr. Chakwas tossed Shepard a tolerant grin and observed, “They hardly need my help for that, now do they, Commander?”  
  
Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard could see Liara reaching out to smooth a wrinkle out of the fabric.  Moving quickly and on instinct, Shepard batted the asari’s hand away.  “Stop that!” she hissed in irritation.    
  
But Liara just giggled, snatching her hand out of the way before any damage could be done.  “It looks good on you, Shepard.  You definitely have the figure for it.”  
  
Shepard groaned.  Turning away, she took a step towards the door.  “I’m going back to change.”  
  
“Aww, Shepard, don’t!” Tali pleaded.  “It looks good on you.  Really it does!  Has anyone else seen -?”  
  
The Commander's groan was a bit louder this time.  “Oh, shit, I hope not!”   
  
This time, Liara’s giggle was matched by Traynor’s.    
  
“I suggest we get second opinions.”  
  
Shepard felt the blood drain from her face just then.  “Doctor!” she gasped, her eyes darting to met the other woman’s.  Too late, it registered that the doctor had just used her omnitool to send out a message.   _Shit!_  
  
“Oh, come on, Commander!” Traynor commented.  “You look fabulous!  That style does wonders for your -”  
  
Shepard turned her glare onto the comm specialist.  “I look like a doll you all have been using to play dress up with,” she returned.  
  
Liara’s smile widened.  “Well, I think it looks nice,” she soothed, again reaching out to smooth a wrinkle in the pleat.  “And with your hair down like that and the bit of lace at your neck and your sleeves … you look lovely … much more feminine.”  
  
“I look - What?”  Shepard’s eyes met the asari’s in shock and surprise.  “Liara!”  
  
Liara giggled again.  It was so easy to provoke Shepard sometimes.  “What’s wrong with that?  You are a woman, after all.”  
  
“I’m a marine!” Shepard protested, hoping that would explain her position quite well enough.  
  
“Mmmhmm.  No one is arguing that.  But you also have a softer side, one that sometimes peeks through when you’re ‘Commander’ Shepard but probably would be more effective if you would just let yourself -”  
  
Shepard growled again.  “I can’t run around saving the galaxy wearing a dress and heels,” she hissed.  An assorted mixture of giggles, snickers and laughs just then covered the sound of the door to the lounge opening.    
  
A moment later, however, and she was well aware that her comments had been heard.  “Oh, I don’t know there, Lola,” Vega’s voice broke in and Shepard felt the heat rising to her cheeks.  “Could be that -”  
  
Turning slowly, Shepard’s eyes met his.  “Lieutenant,” she murmured very quietly, “you do _not_ want to finish that statement.”  He only chuckled in response, but he didn’t say another word.  
  
“Go easy on him, Shepard,” she heard Garrus rumbling nearby.  “He does have a point.”  
  
“No, he most definitely does not,” she muttered in return.  But then her eyes caught the lone figure leaning against the inside of the doorframe, arms crossed against his chest, eyes locked onto hers.  A lazy smile played at his lips, but it was one of those that she could see in his eyes as well.  One of the smiles that always caught her off guard as she realized he meant it to be just for her.   Unable to speak for a moment, she simply lifted a brow in silent question.  
  
Straightening, Kaidan took a couple steps into the room towards her.  Eyes only on him, she watched as he tilted his head to the side just a bit, apparently evaluating the entire look.  Still, she could not speak.  For that matter, she wondered if she was even breathing, the look he was giving her just had her insides somersaulting so badly.  After circling around her, reaching his hand out to turn her just a bit or to brush some of her hair back behind her shoulder, he moved to stand directly in front of her.  The one benefit to the entire outfit, Shepard supposed, was that the heels of the shoes she was wearing put her almost at eye level with him.  Crossing her arms, she murmured, “Well?”  She didn’t even notice that the others had all backed away a few steps and were now quickly and quietly exiting the room to give the two some privacy.  
  
The smile was still there, she noted, just as warm and appreciative as it had been a few minutes before.  “It suits you,” he assured her.    
  
That surprised her a little.  “You think so?”  
  
His soft chuckle warmed her to her soul as it always did.  “Yeah, I think so,” he replied.  “Now why don’t we -”  
  
Joker’s voice broke in across the room.  “Commander, we’ll be docked in about ten.”  
  
Never taking her eyes from Kaidan’s, Shepard responded to the pilot, “Thanks, Joker.”  Once assured the his voice wouldn’t interrupt again, she gave Kaidan a slightly more confident smile.  “Why don’t we what?” she asked, curious as to how he had been about to complete that thought.  She had her own ideas, personally, and -  
  
Kaidan surprised her by reaching down and taking her hand, securing it tightly in his.  “Why don’t I change and we go have dinner together?  Something nicer than _Apollo’s_ this time.”  
  
Shepard’s breath caught again.  With a small giggle (it was all she could manage just then), she observed, “And here I’d thought you might want to -”  
  
His eyes flared just a bit, the intensity of his gaze strengthening.  “Dinner before dessert, remember, Commander?” he teased.  
  
And quite suddenly, Shepard felt completely at ease.  Tightening her hand around his, she smiled for the first time since changing into the get-up and returned, “Absolutely, Major.”  


	8. Happy Birthday, Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's a birthday when you're trying to save the galaxy from extinction by the Reapers?
> 
> Set just before Shepard and Kaidan meet at Apollo's in game.

April 11, 2183  
  
As days went, it had been exceedingly unspectacular.  Then again, that was how she had wanted it and the main reason why she had made sure to play it down every year.  She didn’t want the added attention or the accolades that might go with it.  The day was not hers and hers alone, and she did not want or need that reminder every year.  Following so close on the heels of the victory against Saren and Sovereign in the battle at the Citadel, Shepard had taken extra care to make certain the day would remain hidden away in obscurity.  Only one person aboard the _Normandy_ even knew, and they had a standing agreement to keep it quiet.  Let the past lie where it should … in the past.  
  
Behind her, Shepard heard the sound of her door whooshing open and then closed.  She knew who it had to be (otherwise the visitor would have knocked first), and turned towards him, a smile tilting at her lips in greeting.  Okay, maybe she’d have to rethink that obscurity thing if it meant she would get to spend some time alone with him today.  That would a long way towards ‘celebrating,’ wouldn’t it?  Satisfy any societal requirements for the day?  Make anyone who might protest otherwise happy?  “Hey, Kaidan,” she murmured as he crossed to stand before her.  The smile he offered in return made her heart jump just a bit.   
  
“Hey there,” he returned, his smooth baritone rumbling near her ear as he leaned over to give her a quick kiss.  Though they did their best to keep their relationship from being too blatantly obvious to the rest of the _Normandy_ ’s crew, they understood that most of them, if not all by now, had it figured out.  And in a roundabout way, that was part of the reason behind why Kaidan had come to see her just now.  “Got a minute?”  
  
Shepard nodded and took a seat on the edge of her bed.  “Sure.  What’s up?”  
  
Seating himself beside her, Kaidan half turned in her direction so he could face her, a semi-serious look crossing his face.  “I was wondering something.”  
  
Shepard glanced up at him, her eyes meeting his in question.  “Oh?  This sounds important.”  
  
“I think it is,” he replied.    
  
“Alright then,” she told him.  Habit had her falling into her usual role of listener whenever one of the crew had something to say.  “Let me have it.  What’s on your mind?”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday today?”  
  
Shepard mentally swore before she found herself swallowing tightly.  “Ah,” she replied instantly, hedging for a few moments to decide upon how best to respond.  Somehow he’d found out, which didn’t surprise her really, but it did make things a bit awkward at that moment.  Offering him a slight shrug, she began, “I don’t usually make a big deal out of it.”  Since Mindoir, actually, she’d sort of tried to ignore it.  The memories from before were still too painful even with the passage of time.  
  
Kaidan reached out and took her hand in his, squeezing it.  “Well, you should,” he returned gently.  They’d talked just the week before about her past; her family on Mindoir, the attack, their deaths.  He found that knowing about it helped him to understand her now, the decisions she made and how she came to those conclusions, so much better.  At the time she had told him, though, he hadn’t realized that her birthday was literally right around the corner.  That surprise had fallen into his lap purely by accident when visiting with Dr. Chakwas earlier in the day.    
  
Again Shepard shrugged.  “It’s not like we can do anything way out here anyway,” she reminded him, attempting to deflect the issue with a bit of very dry humor.  “I highly doubt the Geth are going to throw me a surprise party.”  
  
The only hint that he’d found her comment amusing was the twitch at the corner of his lips.  “Hmm, let’s hope not.  But, next year,” he promised, hand squeezing again before he rose to his feet, “we’ll make up for it.”  
  
Eyes on his, her hand returning the affection, she echoed, “We will?”  
  
She saw something behind his eyes then.  Mischief?  Amusement?  Whatever it was, it brought a certain light to his features and Shepard found that she was now having difficulty in denying him this.  “We’ll meet on the Citadel, go to whatever club is the most popular then and drinks will be on me.  Dinner too, if you like.  Maybe even some dancing afterwards.  How’s that sound?”  
  
A look of amusement mixed with curiosity crossed her features at his words.  She thought again of protesting, but then a year was a long time.  Like as not, he’d forget about it before then, especially if she didn’t draw undue attention to it as time approached.  Besides, he’d given her the perfect distraction to use in the meantime.  “Kaidan, you’ve seen me dance,” she reminded him with a smile.  
  
Kaidan chuckled and tugged her hand until she rose up to her feet beside him.  “That I have, Shepard,” he replied quietly.  “And as I recall, I was quite impressed.”  
  
Laughing with him now, Shepard shook her head.  No matter how the others teased her about the dancing, since she and Kaidan had become involved, he always turned the comments into something much more … personal.  Which was quite alright with her.  “Alright, Kaidan.  You win.  The Citadel next year.  But in the meantime ….”

* * *

  
  
April 11, 2186  
  
She was a fool for even thinking to get her hopes up, she supposed, but a part of her wanted to believe that the words had meant something to him.  Given all that had happened in the past three years, she was rather proud of the fact that she had even remembered.  Would he?  Three years was a long time, and a lot had happened between them since that time ….  
  
But first, duty called.  As with every trip to the Citadel these days, Shepard had a laundry list filled with appointments and meetings.  Supplies to obtain.  People to recruit.  Allies to encourage.  The only difference in this visit was that she’d decided to present herself in civilian clothing instead of her usual fatigues.  The reason behind that was less because of with whom she was meeting, though there were some that could be classified as non-military, and more because of her own personal preferences as well as hopes for later.  But no one else had to know that.    
  
Stepping off the elevator into the CIC, Shepard took a quick glance around the room before turning to head towards the exit.  Just a short distance and ….  
  
“Commander?”  
  
Shepard turned at the sound of confusion and found Specialist Traynor staring at her with disbelieving eyes.  She should have known she’d not get off the ship unnoticed.  “Yes, Traynor?”  
  
The younger woman hesitated a moment before hedging, “I know we have shore leave, but ….”  
  
Shepard’s brow lifted just a bit.  “But?”  Glancing down at the slacks, blouse and cropped jacket she was wearing, Shepard wondered if she’d miscalculated somehow.  Dressing ‘up’ was not her forte after all of these years.  Her usual sense of style, at least since the age of eighteen, revolved around a military uniform of some variation and her hair bound up per regulations with the barest hint of added color to her face.  “Something wrong?”  A sudden wave of self-doubt had Shepard biting at her lower lip.  Memories from her teenage years attempted to return as well, images of herself and her twin preparing for their sixteenth birthday party haunting the back of her mind.  Kaysey had been the one to make sure her clothing was appropriate for the occasion.  As far as Shepard was concerned, work pants and a ragged shirt would have been fine.  Kaysey’s horrified expression at the time had made the point stronger than any words could have that would not be the case.  Had she erred again this time?  Quickly clamping down on the memories, Shepard allowed her ‘Commander’ presence to take over.   _Not today._  
  
“What?  No, ma’am!” Traynor protested immediately.  “Nothing at all!  You look fabulous as a matter of fact!  I mean -”  
  
Shepard felt the sudden tension fading back to tolerable levels once more.  “Relax, Traynor,” Shepard assured her, but couldn’t help but wonder if she might be trying to ease her own mind more.  “I’m just meeting with a few of my contacts on the Citadel.  Some of them tend to respond better to those not approaching in an Alliance uniform.”  
  
Traynor nodded, and though Shepard sensed that she wanted to say more, all she did was smile and add, “Good luck, Commander.”  
  
Several hours later, Shepard found herself pacing outside the main doors of _Purgatory_.  Now that the rest of her errands were completed, she found her earlier returning.  The idea had been ridiculous in the first place.  He wouldn’t remember … why should he?  So much water under the bridge since then.  So what was she doing here?  
  
And yet … she found herself hoping that he _would_ remember.   _Hope_.  Hope could be a powerful thing.  It could lift one up and assist them through the rougher times life had to offer, or it could be shot to hell and drop like a lead ball, taking one down with it.  And until that happened, one often didn’t know where they would end up.  Kaidan had made it clear on Horizon just how he’d been affected.  Shepard had had her own moment as well.  To this day, they were still trying to sort out the aftereffects of their reactions at that time.  
  
Less than a month after Kaidan had made his promise for her next birthday, Shepard had died.  For almost two years, she’d been either in that state or one of forced unconsciousness as Cerberus had worked to bring her back to life.  Two years.  Two missed birthdays.  This was the first one since then that she’d been ‘alive’ for.  And still, she recalled their discussion that had led to this promise.    
  
Sighing heavily, Shepard turned towards the doors leading inside.  If nothing else, she could at least look around.  Satisfy her curiosity.  Have a drink or two.  Then, depending on what she found, she could move forward knowing that at least she’d upheld her end of of the agreement.    
  
The music, as always, was loud, heavy bass beats vibrating through the floors and walls.  In some ways, Shepard actually found it to be somewhat relaxing.  Her companions might give her a hard time about her lack of ability on the dance floor, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t move with the beat of the music or appreciate the music itself.  She found herself smiling as she climbed the steps to the upper bar, her natural gait moving in step with the beat.  She wondered what they would say if they knew the extent of her musical knowledge and talent, something she kept carefully hidden from them all.  Like her past on Mindoir, it was something that had died the day the slavers had attacked.  No one knew about it, and that was fine by her.   
  
For a moment, as she reached the upper room, Shepard paused to take in the scene around her.  The dance floor was as crowded as ever, almost to the point where she might wonder just how they fit so many people out there in the first place, and a quick glance over at the bar reassured her that they still had the reputation of serving the best drinks despite the coup attempt as lines were at least four people deep.  Though it was crowded, a quick survey assured her he was not present.  She debated turning around and leaving, reminding herself that technically she had met the terms of the arrangement, but pride had her turning towards the bar.  One drink, a walk around the room.  Then she would leave.  
  
Though the line at the bar was long, it moved fairly quickly, and Shepard managed to secure a drink within a reasonable amount of time.  Turning back towards the dance floor, she managed to make her way to the far side, leaning her hip against the rail and watching the people around her find escape in the music.  So used to evaluating and assessing a battlefield, it was second nature for her to do the same in an environment like this.  Especially after Cerberus attempted their coup just a couple of weeks before.  Aria T’Loak’s words regarding how Cerberus had managed to wrangle control of Omega from her came back to Shepard then.   _Deceit, distraction and a big fucking army._  It had nearly worked on the Citadel, too.  They were words, she knew, that would guide her from this point forward.    
  
Another scan of the dance floor and Shepard turned to face moving platforms where some of the _Purgatory’_ s dancers were performing.  Though her eyes were upon them, her thoughts turned pensive … a product of the drink or of the day, she was not certain, but she realized that she would need to leave soon.  It would not do to become maudlin … she had a certain reputation to uphold.  But she could see it at least.  That was a beginning.  
  
“Well, it seems as if the third time is the charm after all.”  
  
Startled by the sudden arrival of a familiar baritone beside her, Shepard turned to face him.  Kaidan, for his part, was on alert, catching the hand holding her drink so that it would not spill over either of them.  Glancing up, she managed a small smile.  “You … you remembered,” she managed.  Surprise had her feeling almost as if she’d been winded by a blow to her midsection or after running a race.    
  
Kaidan chuckled softly, now releasing her hand.  “As I said … third time’s the charm.”  
  
Shepard swallowed as his words finally registered.  “Third … you mean you ….”  
  
His nod had Shepard closing her eyes tightly for a moment.  “I knew you were gone,” he told her, “but I couldn’t stop myself.  The first year was the hardest.”    
  
Her eyes open and found his again and she saw a lingering sadness deep within.  “Kaidan -”  
  
He shook his head, offering her a smile in reassurance.  “I told you before, Shepard, there’s been no one else for me but you.  I had to work it out for myself.”  
  
Shepard sighed and glanced away.  That was true enough, but it didn’t help her mindset at the moment, especially after the events that had followed.  “And the second year?” she hedged, almost afraid of his reply.  
  
Kaidan snorted softly.  “The first year, I drank a toast to you, to us, to what could have been,” he explained.  “The second year, I began saying goodbye.”  
  
Shepard swallowed tightly.  It had been a month or two after that ….  “And then there was Horizon.”  She sighed heavily.  No wonder he’d been so angry, so upset.  “Kaidan, I -”  
  
Reaching out once more, Kaidan took her hand and squeezed it.  “Don’t, Shepard.  That’s all past now, remember?  You’re alive, you’re back, and it’s your birthday.”  She noted then that he held a drink in his other hand as he lifted it towards her.  “Let’s just drink to now and move forward from there, okay?”  
  
Shepard paused for a moment, her eyes locked onto his as she tried to weave her way through the myriad of emotions just then.  In less time than it took to blink, she found she was lifting her glass to clink against his, a smile pulling at her lips.  “So then, major,” she asked after finishing off her drink, “is this going to become a yearly habit?  Forcing my hand each and every time I have my birthday?”    
  
“That,” he told her, a mischievous glint in his eyes making her breath catch, “will be entirely up to you, but I think it safe to say that I’ll be there if you so wish it.”  
  
Shepard opened her mouth to reply, but instead found herself suddenly thrust into Kaidan’s arms as one of the people on the dance floor bumped into her.  Chuckling a bit self-consciously, she glanced back up at him.  “Hmm … perhaps some place other than the ‘most popular club’ might work?” she teased.  “It’s a bit too crowded here at the moment, even for my tastes.”  
  
Kaidan nodded, his arm curving around her back and hip as he led her back across the dance floor towards the steps leading away from the area.  Before descending, he took her glass and set both his and hers on the counter of the bar.  “I think I know a better place,” he told her as they walked towards the exit.  “I heard _Apollo’_ s down on the Presidium is back up and running.  Even have steak, if I recall correctly.  How about we go there for lunch?”  
  
Shepard thought back to her visit to the Presidium earlier that afternoon.  Still in process of cleaning up, some storefronts badly damaged, but all in all she decided she liked the idea.  “Alright, major,” she agreed, flashing him a smile.  “That sounds agreeable.”  Following beside him, she finally admitted to herself that, as birthdays went, this one had the potential to be one worth remembering.


	9. Knit One ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, this chapter was inspired by both a MASH episode and a picture that came across my tumblr dash this morning. Shepard searches for a way to relax from the daily stresses of trying to save the galaxy from the Reapers ....

  
  
  
  
“Hey, Commander, you going to join our poker game this time?”  
  
Shepard nearly turned back into the elevator as James spotted her stepping off onto the crew deck, but years of training and instinct kept her from retreating.  Thankfully, the lieutenant was headed in the opposite direction than she was.  “Not this time, James,” she hollered after him.  “I’m still recovering from the last time you left me broke.”  
  
Vega laughed.  “Yeah, well, you could just come watch my next victims squirm, you know,” he offered in return.  “A little moral support might do them some good.”  
  
Shepard swallowed her laughter, glancing over her shoulder as Vega entered the lounge, noting quickly who else was inside.  Kaidan, Garrus, Joker and Samantha all seemed to be willing targets for Vega and his card sharking abilities this evening.  “Think I’ll pass this time,” she replied with a half grin.  Vega’s chuckle sounded somewhat less than reassuring, at least where the others were concerned, but Shepard let it go.  In the long run, whatever happened at that table would happen no matter if she was present at the time or not.  Besides, they all knew what they were letting themselves in for, which was more than what she could say for herself and was a large part of why she was attempting to keep her activities hidden from public knowledge.  
  
With the port side lounge door closing quickly behind Vega’s retreating form, Shepard turned back in the direction of the Med Bay, her original destination.  Entering a moment or two later, she found Dr. Chakwas seated at her desk as usual.  “Doctor,” she called out in greeting.    
  
Dr. Chakwas turned in her seat to face Shepard.  “Commander,” she returned.  “Should I assume by the timing of your visit that you are here for another lesson?”  
  
Shepard nodded, though she did fidget with her hands just a bit as she stood there, a rare case of nerves finding purchase for the briefest of moments.  Just how many lessons she would need (she was certain this was at least number eight if not more) was beyond her at this point.  Was it normal for someone to require so many to get the basics down?  Shepard’s motions did not go unnoticed by the good doctor, either.  When Shepard noted the grin forming on the other woman’s face, her eyes narrowed just a bit.  “What?” she hedged, though even to her own ears it sounded a bit on the defensive side.   _Damn!_  Sighing, she tried to calm herself.  
  
To her credit, the doctor attempted to assist with this.  “Relax, Commander,” she offered while rising and crossing the room to one of the rarely used storage cabinets on the far side.  “You’ve been progressing nicely thus far.  I would imagine you should be finishing up soon.”  
  
Remaining silent, Shepard followed the doctor across the room to assist with the removal of items from the cabinet.  Once they were all in hand she made her way to the back section of the Med Bay, a nice, slightly darker and definitely more hidden from view area where no one else could look in through the windows and see what she was up to ….  
  
Dr. Chakwas laughed lightly.  “Why must you scrunch yourself up in that tiny corner over there, Commander?” she teased.  “It can’t be comfortable.  Nor is it good for your back.”    
  
Shepard merely grumbled an unintelligible response.    
  
Dr. Chakwas tried again.  “You do realize, Commander, that this is an exercise to assist you in relaxing more?”  
  
Sighing, Shepard side-glanced the doctor as she settled herself onto one of the unused beds and began situating herself and the items around her.  “So you’ve told me, doctor,” she replied as she gave the project her full attention.  “Repeatedly.”  
  
Dr. Chakwas settled herself back over at her desk and did the same though with the relative ease of someone who was more than familiar with the procedures.  Within moments she had needles in hand and was working away quite comfortably and without any extra added effort; a picture of relaxation and contentment.  Shepard, on the other hand, sat with shoulders hunched over and a slight frown on her face as she struggled to read and understand the written instruction on the datapad laying before her.  Another quick side-glance over at the doctor had her chewing at her lower lip a bit, the casual grace with which the doctor was working reminding Shepard just how far she had to go.    
  
Shepard had just slipped while attempting a simple stitch, cursing softly as she barely missed jabbing the side of her finger, when her attention was drawn upwards by the approach of the doctor.  Reaching out, Dr. Chakwas placed a hand over the slightly tangled mass of needles and yarn in Shepard’s hands.  “Commander, I repeat: this activity is to help you relax.  It is no different than if you were in the lounge being fleeced by Lieutenant Vega.”    
  
Shepard snorted.  “This is a bit easier on the paycheck,” she muttered.  
  
Dr. Chakwas laughed.  “Alright, you have me on that,” she agreed.  “But my point still remains.”  Gesturing towards a second chair over near her desk, she urged, “Come over and sit comfortably.  Relax.  Remember - you are not out on a mission.  These stitches are not Cerberus soldiers or Reapers or whatever other enemies you are fighting that need to be destroyed and those needles are not weapons.  Knitting is a fine art, a creative one.”  
  
Shepard gave the doctor a skeptical look.  Lifting her project into the doctor’s line of sight, she added just a bit sheepishly, “And one that apparently has a mind of it’s own ....”  
  
The look of surprise that crossed the doctor’s face then had Shepard wincing.   _That bad?_  Dr. Chakwas reached out, took the project in hand and began turning it this way and that for a moment, examining it closely.  Shepard fought back a case of nerves by chewing at her lip some more, a move that she knew Kaidan would notice the next time they were together if she didn’t stop soon.    
  
“Oh, my,” the doctor breathed softly.  “It would appear that your scarf has developed a pituitary problem.”  
  
Shepard’s startled gaze met the doctor’s then and for one long moment, the two simply stared at each other in silence.  But the moment that the corners of the doctor’s lips began to twitch, Shepard knew she would be lost.  First it was an almost strangled giggle, something that sounded more like the death cry of one of the cannibal’s that had been at the receiving end of one of her Widow’s headshots than actual laughter.  However, after a moment or two in which the doctor’s words finally hit home, Shepard felt herself relaxing and the sound became more natural.  Once she began, the doctor lost her self control as well, and the two women spent the next several minutes laughing together until tears began rolling from their eyes.    
  
Wiping away the tears with the sleeve of her shirt, Shepard finally calmed somewhat, enough so that she could rasp out, “It does look like something more suited to a brute, doesn’t it?”  
  
Shaking her head, the doctor took the needles in hand, allowing the knitted project to tumble down, rolling out across the floor before them.  It didn’t stop until it was well on its way towards the center of the room.  “Or perhaps one of those Reapers.”  There was a twinkle in her eye as she glanced at Shepard and suggested, “Maybe if you gave it to Harbinger he would be grateful enough to end this war?”  
  
Shepard sighed, but she did manage another laugh.  “Peace through domestication?” she quipped back.  Sighing again, she shrugged her shoulders and tossed her hands up in the air before her.  “I think I’m a hopeless case, doctor.”  
  
Dr. Chakwas sniffed her opinion of that comment.  “Nonsense, Commander,” she protested.  “All you need is practice.”  
  
Shepard snorted.  “And patience.”  
  
The doctor grinned.  “Well, perhaps that, too,” she agreed.  “But then again ….”  
  
Shepard watched as the doctor lifted a hand to tap her finger against her lips as she thought.   _Uh oh, this can’t be good._  This was how the whole idea of teaching Shepard to knit had begun in the first place.  A short quip by Shepard about the doctor knitting bones back together, a flippant comment back from the doctor about that not being the only sort of knitting she did … and _WHAM!_  Next thing she knew, Shepard had needles and yarn in hand and was struggling to make it work into something remotely resembling a scarf.    
  
A moment later, the doctor took the project off the needles and began unraveling it, much to Shepard’s dismay.  “Hey!” she cried while jumping to her feet, startled by the doctor’s actions.  “It wasn’t _that_ bad, was it?”  
  
The doctor laughed.  “Of course it wasn’t!” she returned reassuringly, continuing her previous actions for a time.  “We’re just going to make an adjustment is all.”  
  
Shepard frowned, her attention uneasily focused on the growing pile of unraveled yarn.  “What sort of … adjustment?”  
  
When finally satisfied with the length of the ‘scarf,’ Dr. Chakwas took one of the needles and carefully began replacing the stitches on it.  “There,” she announced a minute or two later while handing over the needle to Shepard.  “Now you can end this one and we’ll start over again with a second.  Practice does make perfect, after all.”  
  
Shepard blinked in astonishment.  Glancing at the doctor, she protested, “But -”  
  
But the doctor shook her head.  “Now, Commander,” she argued, “you can’t tell me you don’t do the same thing with your training.  How many times have you gone to the shooting range with a new weapon to determine it’s strengths or weaknesses, hmm?  To learn how to maximize its efficiency?”  
  
“There’s a big difference between using knitting needles and an M-98 Widow, doctor,” Shepard commented dryly.    
  
“I’m not debating that issue, Commander.  All I’m saying is that the process is similar.  Perhaps it might help put you into the proper mindset to work on this.”    
  
As she finished speaking, the doctor placed the knitting project back into Shepard’s hands.  Shepard eyed the thing warily.  “You’re not going to let up, are you?” she asked.  
  
Dr. Chakwas chuckled again.  “You know me well, Commander,” she replied.  “Remember, I’ve yet to give up on you, just as you have yet to give up on the rest of us.”  
  
And in that statement, Shepard found something she hadn’t expected.  Sighing once more, she lifted the project in her hands and tilted her head as she considered it.  “Alright, you win, doctor.  Just … don’t tell the others about this, okay?”      
  
Dr. Chakwas gave Shepard a quick, knowing grin.  “Like I don’t tell them about your dancing ability, you mean?” she teased.  “The list of taboo subjects concerning Commander Shepard continues to grow, I see.  It’s nearly as long as that scarf was ….”  
  
Shepard gave the doctor a flat stare as she crossed her arms.  “No, I will _not_ be trimming the list like you did this scarf!”  
  
Laughing again, the doctor pointed towards the other needle.  “Alright, alright.  Consider the list amended, Commander,” she finally agreed.  “Now then, let’s finish this off before someone comes in and ‘accidentally’ finds you with a pile of unraveled yarn at your feet ….”  Shepard’s grumble was covered by the doctor’s delighted laughter.


	10. Omega's Alpha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aria T'Loak is calling in a favor and Commander Shepard will assist. But how will the crew of the Normandy respond to the Queen of Omega's restrictions?

  
  
  
It was interesting, Shepard noted, just how quickly the war room could go from being so perfectly silent that the only sound heard was the gentle humming of equipment and the _Normandy_ ’s engines, and in less time than it took to blink became a cacophony of shouts, yells and protests.  Shepard mentally noted it was a very good thing she didn’t have overly sensitive ears.  
  
“You can’t go alone!”  
  
“Shepard, this is madness!”  
  
“Commander, how could you even be thinking to do this all alone?!”  
  
“Just great!  This will end up like it did for you against those batarians.  Who’s gonna be around to protect your ass if you’re alone?”  
  
Shepard managed to stand there, arms crossed, neutral expression across her face as she allowed her crew - her _family_ \- the time to vent their concerns and frustrations.  Truth be told, the commander wasn’t overly fond of Aria’s stipulations for this call of assistance either, but she would honor the asari’s request.   _I have objections to some of the company you keep, Shepard._   She supposed this shouldn’t have been surprising given who some of the individuals who made up her crew, but dammit they _were_ the best.  But despite her arguments to the contrary, Aria had insisted.   _I want you all to myself._ And that had been that.  Aside from the incentives offered of additional troops, ships and plentiful eezo to help with the building of the Crucible, Shepard recognized that she still sort of owed Aria for her help in bringing the Blue Suns, Eclipse and Blood Pack into the fray.  But she was going to make for damned certain that Aria understood this would be the final payback for that debt.  Aria might be the ‘Queen of Omega,’ but Shepard was not one of her minions, nor was she going to keep playing her games.  
  
But that would do nothing to calm the raging debate around her at the moment.  Sadly, she doubted that anything would be able to do that, save her agreeing to take them along … which she couldn’t do.  “Everything will work out fine,” she announced confidently, bringing their protestations to a close.  “A couple of days and I’ll be back leading you off to face the Reapers again like I wasn’t ever gone.  Just think of it as a mini-vacation.”  
  
Joker could be heard snorting loudly across the intercom system.  “Yeah, right.  Like it worked out fine in the Bahak system before this all started?  Vega’s got you there, commander.  I wonder if the Alliance still has that detention cell available, or better yet, a padded room at Huerta Memorial ….”  
  
Shepard rolled her eyes.  “It’s hardly the same thing,” she reminded the pilot.    
  
“No, it isn’t,” Garrus echoed, “it’s worse.  This won’t be like manipulating the different mercenary groups of Omega to get what you want, Shepard.  You are heading into a self-sustaining, enclosed space station that is currently occupied by fanatical Cerberus troops.  Occupation troops.  You can’t tell me that doesn’t increase the odds against you.”  
  
“Garrus -”  
  
The turian shook his head to cut her off, his arms crossing to match her posture.  Shepard also noted that Kaidan, James and Liara moved to similar positions behind him.  Apparently, this was going to become a bone of contention between them and her.  “Don’t, Shepard,” he insisted.  “Just don’t.  Remember, I know Omega and -”  
  
Shepard sighed hating to cut him off, but if she let him continue the rest would follow suit and she’d never get out of here.  “I know you do, Garrus.  Better than most, probably.  However, the fact remains that Aria insists I go alone.  End of story.  Done deal.  There is nothing I can do to change that.”  A quick look at their eyes told her that they did not agree, but that was it.  And it seemed to have worked as no vocal protestations were made.  Whether they felt the same or not towards the asari was beside the point as they all knew Shepard’s sense of honor was what was really at play here.  “Anything else?”  She waited a moment, but no one spoke.  “Dismissed then.”  She watched her friends filter out of the room singly and in pairs until only she remained.  Turning towards the vidcom room, she went to notify Admiral Hackett of her plans.

* * *

  
  
Focus was difficult for him at first knowing what she intended to do, but the fact that he wasn’t alone in his concerns did help somewhat.  After a brief stop down at the armory where he, James and Cortez tossed around a few ideas mixed with more rumblings of discontent over Shepard’s plan, he made his way back to the crew deck to find Garrus.  As usual, he found the turian in the forward battery calibrating the ship’s guns, a pastime that Garrus seemed to find calming.  Though Kaidan hadn’t really had a solid idea of what it was he was going to do or say when he arrived there, once the two began voicing their concerns regarding Aria’s request, the discussion took a natural shift from complaining about Shepard’s stubbornness down a path leading towards what could be done to protect her despite herself.  This led to even more ideas, which in turn eventually resulted in calling Liara over to join them … and then James and Cortez as well as a consult with EDI and a quick check with Joker to figure out just where Shepard was at the moment.  
  
“Okay, we’ve got the solution … now what?” James asked after a while.  
  
“We need to place it on her, someplace it won’t be detected or accidentally removed yet it can still send out a strong signal,” Kaidan explained.  The idea of placing a tracking device on their commander was not something that all agreed was the best option, but it certainly was the only workable one at the moment, and time to act was rapidly running out.  
  
There was silence for a time as they all considered options.  “What about on her weapon?” Liara asked.  Everyone aboard the _Normandy_ knew that it would take practically death itself to separate Shepard from her M-98 Widow when in battle.    
  
Kaidan shook his head.  “There’s always a chance something could happen to it.  She could become separated from it, it could take damage and she would have to leave it behind ….”  
  
“Or she could find the device.”  Garrus’ observation was made with a slight frown.  “You know how she is with that thing.  It’s her baby.  She knows it inside and out, every scratch and nick.”  He snorted softly.  “Wonder if she’s named it yet ….”    
  
Kaidan nodded as he and the others chuckled.  But, the turian did have a point.  Shepard was very particular about the upkeep of her weapons.  “The only other viable option I can think of is her armor.”  
  
Another pause as each considered.  The trick here, as with her weapon, was that Shepard was completely attuned to everything around her - her surroundings, her weapons, her armor.  Nicks, cracks, any sort of alteration or change due to whatever cause was quickly noted.  It was one of those things that she tended to shrug off as ‘life’s lessons learned the hard way,’ but Kaidan knew better.  It had more to do with her background, of being the victim of a surprise attack not once, but twice.  If there was anything he’d learned about her over the years it was that she never took anything for granted, right down to inspecting her weapons and armor multiple times, even as late as when they were boarding the shuttle for a mission.  Placement of the tracking device would be difficult at best if they were going to get it past her.    
  
“Statistically speaking, beneath the shoulder plating where it meets the shoulder joints would be the one location to meet all placement requirements and provide the best opportunity to go undetected,” EDI’s voice announced.    
  
There was a moment after she had spoken in which everyone in the room looked a bit sheepish for not having thought of that themselves, but it did not last long.  “Alright.  So … how do we do this then?” James asked.    
  
“You should move quickly,” EDI added.  “The commander is currently finalizing her preparations for departure.”  
  
Kaidan glanced over at Garrus.  “Go,” the turian told him.  “You’ll have the best chance right now.”  And while Kaidan had to admit he didn’t mind that he’d been chosen since it would give him one last opportunity to see Shepard before her departure, he was feeling a bit unnerved at the thought of having to deceive her in such a way.  Especially now that their relationship seemed to be on more solid ground and (he hoped) moving forward.  But that said, he probably had the best chance of succeeding with this plan.  He just hoped she would forgive him for his part in this if she ever found out.

* * *

  
  
Shepard was in the last stages of donning her armor when she heard the knock at the door to her cabin.  “Enter,” she called as she reached for the chestpiece.  She was not surprised in the least to find Kaidan walking into the room as she glanced over.  Brow lifting slightly, she gestured towards him with the chest piece.  “Help me out?”  
  
“Alright.”    
  
Shepard kept her eyes on him as he approached, noting a slight hesitation to his movements, a reluctance almost.  Well, he’d certainly made his opposition to this plan well known earlier, so she supposed that was to be expected.  Handing him the armor, she asked, “Are you going to be okay with this decision?”  
  
He took the piece from her before guiding her to turn so he could help place it over the fabric.  “You’re the commander,” he replied evenly.  “The call is yours to make.”  
  
Shepard frowned as she held the piece in place while he reached for and situated the back portion.  The silence between them remained as he began securing the pieces together at the sides.  A somewhat awkward silence followed.  Finally, when she could stand it no more, she murmured, “Kaidan ....”  He was in the process of securing the left side of her armor when his eyes lifted to meet hers, and in them Shepard saw something that had her hesitating for the briefest of moments.  

* * *

  
  
He knew as their eyes locked that he was allowing her to see more than he’d originally intended.  Since his return to the _Normandy_ , he’d been carefully hiding the depth of his feelings for her.  Perhaps not as successfully as he might have liked around the others - Garrus and Liara in particular - but around Shepard, he’d been very careful to guard them.  She had so much to worry about, her own wounds and losses to overcome, he hadn’t wanted to put any undue pressure on her.  But in this moment, all of that seemed to fall by the wayside.  She was about to go off on a mission, alone, without anyone of her crew to have her back … and it was a mission that could possibly lead to her death ….  
  
It was also a good means of distraction for her as he placed the tracking device, and he hated himself that he would use it as such.  Swallowing past a suddenly dry throat, he managed, “Just … be careful.  Okay?”  As he spoke, his hands moved automatically, securing the armor so that it would remain in place.  How many times had he assisted her with this before?  She him?  The others?  For a soldier it was as common as breathing.  She shouldn’t suspect a thing.  
  
“I will be.”    
  
Her voice was low and quiet, not quite a whisper, but close.  That was a hopeful sign, wasn’t it?  Leaning in just a bit, Kaidan lowered his head just enough until their foreheads met,  his eyes closing briefly with the contact.  There was so much that he wanted to say to her, show her, but he knew this wasn’t the time.  Sighing, he pulled back and somehow managed to pull himself together.  “Here, let me check the rest of your armor,” he offered, hands beginning to move across the metal, tightening fastenings where necessary, tugging at other places to make certain they were secure.  And finally, in that process, he quickly, quietly and carefully slipped the tiny tracking device into the small crevice that EDI had recommended.  A few moments later, he took a step back and faced her.  “All good,” he told her while managing a lopsided smile for her benefit.

* * *

  
  
Shepard nodded absently at his words as he stepped away.  Earlier thoughts regarding the mission and her partnership with Aria had flown the moment Kaidan had allowed her entrance to his thoughts.  How was she to refocus after that?  “Thanks.”  
  
Turning away from him, she reached for her Widow and the Shuriken, her usual weapons of choice, and after a last minute of examination, shouldered the one and set the other at her hip.  Still facing away from him, for she was not certain she could handle it just then if he was still looking at her with such intensity, she informed him, “You’ll have command of the _Normandy_ while I’m gone.”  
  
There was no hesitation before he replied, “Aye aye, commander.”  Internally, Shepard smiled.  When it came to duty, he wouldn’t hesitate.  That was good.    
  
Turning then, Shepard, surveyed her cabin one last time.  Everything she needed to take was accounted for.  “Right.  I should go then.”    
  
Kaidan preceded her out of the room, moving to call the elevator for them both.  “Stay safe, commander.”  
  
Shepard followed him onto the elevator when it arrived.  The descent to the shuttle bay where she’d be meeting Cortez to take her to Aria’s ship was a quick one.  Offering Kaidan a slight smile, she returned lightly, “I’ll be back before you know it.  You won’t even know I’m gone.”    
  



	11. Early Christmas Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the following OTP challenge on Tumblr: Imagine your OTP's children waking them up early on Christmas morning.

 

_It was the soft rumblings of hurried footsteps in the outer room that pulled her suddenly from sleep. That said, it still took a few moments before the haze had cleared enough for her to realize what the sound meant. A yawn pulling, she rolled over onto her back and elbowed the sleeping form next to her. His grumble of complaint was short lived, however, and within seconds she heard him asking, "What's up?" as he lifted a hand to rub the sleep from his eyes. Like her, he was used to nights of interrupted sleep. It was something you just rolled with when you were off saving the galaxy from Reapers … or raising children._

_"It's time," she murmured, shifting over the edge of the bed and reaching for the robe she kept nearby. "They're up." He grunted softly in affirmation, but a quick glance over her shoulder in his direction reassured her that he was well on his way to rising along with her._

_A shrill squeal of delight from beyond the doorway caught both their attentions then and she sighed softly, a smile of contentment playing at her lips. Ah the memories that sound brought back. "I hope your mother doesn't mind being woken up so early," she murmured to him as she turned to exit the room. He followed right behind, his hands securing his own robe in the process._

_His chuckle was near her ear as he leaned down to give her a quick 'good morning' kiss before opening the door. "You know my mother loves being around the kids." A muffled voice of authority from the other side assured them both that his mother was indeed up with the children._

_Another yawn and she felt the popping of her jaw in the process. She winced. Ouch. "Do I even want to know what time it is?" she mumbled. Without waiting on a reply, she pulled the door open and they exited the room._

_More squeals, tiny hands clapping and general shouts of joy greeted her as she made her way into the room. "Merry Christmas, Mama! Merry Christmas, Papa!" She smiled at her eldest, now five, and swallowed back any complaint. Kneeling down, she caught the child who launched herself at her mother with the enthusiasm that only a five year old could have this early on Christmas morning. "Merry Christmas, Cricket," she returned, holding the girl tightly for a moment and kissing her forehead before passing the child off to her father. Rising once more, she pointed to the small tree they had set up weeks before and added, "It looks like Santa found you all the way up here on the Citadel, doesn't it?"_

_More squeals, this time combined with the three year old who had been hopping around all of the gifts lying about on the floor in front of the tree, examining each wrapped package as if it were a piece of treasure just unearthed. The two year old, thankfully, was safely ensconced in his grandmother's arms well shielded from any overabundance of enthusiasm._

_She winced and glanced over her shoulder at him. His smile and the soft chuckle that rumbled free, however, served as a reminder that there was nowhere else in this galaxy she'd rather be at that moment, no matter what time of morning it was. "How many more years of this do we have to go through?" she teased lightly as he set the child down to run over to her brothers and grandmother._

_His arm slid around her waist, patting gently at the swell there. "Considering our last is on the way, I'd guess at least ten more years."_

_She sighed and leaned against his shoulder. "Not nearly long enough," she replied quietly even as the sound around them began to increase once more due to the excitement of the younger ones. "And I certainly wouldn't have it any other way." She felt his arm tighten around her in acknowledgement as they both yawned this time and padded over to begin handing out presents …._

* * *

Shepard awoke with a sharp gasp, the dream still clear in her mind as she sat up in the bed. A quick glance around the room assured her that all was well, that it was indeed the present and she was aboard ship in her cabin. She felt a movement beside her and glanced over to find him grinning up at her. So … had she awoken from the dream or had it been him? Blinking back her surprise, she murmured around a yawn, "What … time is it?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Christmas morning," he challenged before tugging gently at her arm until she tumbled across his chest. "What time does it have to be?" Nuzzling her nose with his own for just a moment, he then asked, "You did remember it's Christmas today, didn't you?"

Shepard groaned softly, more from the recollection of the celebration that would be taking place down in the mess in just a short while than because of the attention he was currently paying her. Though, she had to admit, that in itself was a rather nice way to be awoken on Christmas morning. His hands settled around her waist a short time later pulling her closer. "How could I forget?" she returned, ducking in to kiss him quickly before pulling back. Sadly, she was still tired and was hoping to get just a bit more sleep. "Garrus and Liara have been asking me questions for weeks now in an effort to try and get a better understanding -"

The moment was interrupted as EDI's voice broke in. "Commander, I have been asked by the rest of the crew to request your immediate presence down on the crew deck so that they may begin the tradition of 'decking the halls.'"

A heavy sigh this time, followed by dropping her head onto Kaidan's shoulder as reality struck. The sound, however, was drowned out by Kaidan's groan as Shepard elbowed his mid-section when he began snickering at her reaction. A quick glance at the clock answered Shepard's earlier question as to the time and she muttered, "Tell them it's too early and they are to go back to bed! And that's an order!"

Kaidan laughed again, this time rolling out of range of her elbow. "Children will be children," he reminded her. "You can't tell me you never woke your parents up early on Christmas morning when you were younger."

Shepard glared at him. "That's not the point."

EDI's voice broke in once more. "The general consensus, Commander, is that you are in a minority and that you should proceed to the crew deck immediately before they 'come up and drag you down.'"

Grumbling softly, Shepard shot daggers in Kaidan's direction as he laughed and grinned at her while she moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "Stop it," she hissed while rising to her feet, reaching over for a pillow in the process and turning to throw it at him a moment later. He only laughed harder and caught the pillow in his arms. A sudden thought occurred to her then. "Did you put them up to this?"

"Would I do a thing like that?" he countered, but the grin on his face gave him away to her way of thinking.

Sighing heavily once more, Shepard grumbled in his direction, "Children, the lot of you!"

Kaidan lurched across the bed, grasped her hand and tugged her back to his side, cushioning her fall as she landed. "And you wouldn't have it any other way," he told her quietly, "and you know it."

Reluctantly, Shepard had to admit he was right on that point. "Fine. Fine. EDI, tell them we'll begin in an hour and not before."

"Yes, commander."

Once certain the AI had disconnected from the com system, Shepard glanced down at Kaidan. "I suppose this is something I should get used to each year then?" she queried lightly.

Kaidan grinned back at her. "It is Christmas, Shepard," he reminded her.

Shepard sighed softly and felt her irritation giving way to a small smile. "That it is," she replied. "And you were right: I wouldn't have it any other way."


	12. Through the Looking Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a brief explanation of my headcanon for Serafina Shepard. She is a colonist, a child of agriculturalists on Mindoir who exemplified the life of hard work, making the necessary choices and meeting the challenges of everyday life head on of the frontier. That said, she also knew how to enjoy life to its fullest, celebrating successes with family, friends and community. One of the ways in which Shepard was able to enjoy life was through music. She and her sister sang and played guitar, as did their father. Though barely touched here, it was during a celebration such as the one mentioned below that batarian slavers attacked, killing Shepard’s immediate family and much of the colony. More of her experience will be referenced in her story, “After the Rain,” but suffice it to say that because of what happened, Shepard forcibly blocked her memories of Mindoir from her mind. While the attack and her survival are a matter of public record, there is much that the galaxy does not know of what happened there.
> 
> Though I do not have a particular song in mind for the first part below, the second part I was inspired by Extreme’s “Hole Hearted.” In my head, it is the song she and Kaysey are playing/singing together.

 

“Major Alenko.  Do you have a moment?”  
  
Kaidan was just exiting engineering when he heard the unexpected female voice calling his name.  Turning, he spotted Allers nearby, standing halfway out of the door to her quarters.  Surprised, for the one time he’d spoken with her he thought he’d left things on a ‘I’ll let you know if I have anything else to tell you’ note, he wondered what she was about.  “Allers.”  Walking over beside her, he asked, “How can I help you?”  
  
She gave him a quick smile, one of those knowing looks that could put the people she was interviewing on ease or on edge depending on what the situation called for.  “It’s more like how I can help you, major.  I have something I think you might want to see.”  And without further comment, she retreated into her quarters, clearly leaving the choice to follow up to him.  
  
Kaidan sighed and considered walking away for a moment, but he quickly realized that she probably would not have approached him if it wasn’t something she thought was important.  She’d not even glanced his way at all since that one interview … so why now?  Taking a deep breath, he threw caution to the wind and entered the cabin, door swooshing shut behind him.  “Alright, Allers, I’ll bite.  What’s up?”

* * *

  
  
As missions went, Shepard supposed this one had gone well enough.  She’d decided on taking Garrus and James this time, as the fuel reactor was a joint human-asari-turian operation as well as to give James some more specialized N7 training experience.  After the fact, they’d both agreed that going head to head with Reaper forces should be more than enough experience to count towards his training.  The radiation hazard was just bonus.  
  
The usual debriefing with Admiral Hackett followed upon return to the _Normandy_ , after which Shepard had opted for a long, hot shower before sitting down to write up and file her report.  She was seated at her desk focused on this when she heard the knock at her door.  “It’s open,” she called, her attention still on the monitor in front of her.  Just a bit more and she’d be done.  Sometimes, the hardest part of the mission was the paperwork that followed.  
  
“Hey, Shepard.  Got a moment?”  
  
Shepard felt a smile pull at her lips as she twisted in her chair towards the direction of his voice.  “Hey, Kaidan.  What’s up?” she asked automatically, her eyes finding his quickly … and then spotting the woman following behind him.  The surprise could not be hidden from her tone or the widening of her eyes in reaction.  “Allers.”  Rising to her feet, Shepard stepped away from the computer to give the pair her full attention.  After the one and only interview Allers had managed from Kaidan, to see them both together in the same room told Shepard that something out of the ordinary was occurring.  “What can I do for you both?”  
  
Kaidan stepped forward, his hand catching Shepard by her elbow and turning her back towards the desk and computer.  “Allers has come across something I think you might want to see,” he explained.    
  
Shepard gave the other woman a quizzical glance, but the reporter simply smiled and remained silent.  Allers almost always had something to say whenever she was around Shepard.  That in itself was enough to alert Shepard that something unusual was about to happen.  Well, that and the fact that the woman’s shadow, her camera-bot, was not anywhere to be found.   _Off the record?_ she wondered.  “Okay?” Shepard hedged, her eyes lifting to meet Kaidan’s again.    
  
She watched as he reached around her, depressed a few buttons on her computer monitor which enlarged the display so that it overlay on the front of the glass display case above it.  A moment later, a slightly grainy video feed began playing, the sound of a reporter’s comments in the background barely discernible.  Frowning, Shepard quickly scanned the image.  It seemed straightforward enough - clearly a gathering of some sort, humans by the looks of it.  An area set aside for performing, it seemed.  Music in the background.  Voices singing.  Hands clapping.  All in all, everyone seemed to be having a good time.  Obviously, it was not a recent occurrence, so not a situation requiring an evacuation or protection detail or ....    
  
A moment later, Shepard realized it sort of reminded her of ….  “Oh dear God!”  Blue eyes darted up to meet brown as full comprehension began to dawn.  “This ….  This ….”  Ice cold hands lifted to cover her cheeks as she felt the blood drain from her face, her hands and other extremities, the chill deepening and taking hold over her entire body.   _Where had this come from?_  
  
For the first time since Allers had given him the footage, Kaidan began to wonder if showing the video to Shepard had been a good plan.  Her initial reaction worried him and watching her turn paler than her normal coloring was almost unnerving.  “Shepard,” he murmured, reaching out and touching her arm.  Her reaction was unusual, her focus so caught up that she continued to stare at the images before her, her arm falling into his grasp only when his hand touched her.  Taking a step nearer until he was standing directly behind her, he followed her gaze and watched with her.  
  
From what Allers had told him when first showing him the clips, the data had been partially corrupted before being found by her fellow journalist and forwarded on, a journalist intent upon finding some sort of angle for a ‘real’ story on Commander Shepard.  As it played now, the sound was slightly scratchy, fading out every so often, and the images flickered in and out periodically, but as the camera angle zoomed in, it became clear that the young woman singing with the older man looked suspiciously like a younger version of Shepard.  Considerably younger, hair hanging down loose and wearing a dress, her voice was strong and vibrant as it countered the more mellow tones of her duet partner as the two stood before the crowd singing and playing old-style guitars.  
  
“Dad.”    
  
Kaidan barely heard the whispered recognition, but it became clear upon closer inspection that Shepard was referring to the older man on the screen.  “Your father?” he asked quietly while leaning against her, keeping the conversation as close and private as possible.    
  
Shepard barely nodded, but he felt the movement against his shoulder.  “This was ….”  She closed her eyes for a moment before finishing, “I was fifteen …  This was the year before ….”  
  
Kaidan shifted his arms to wrap securely around Shepard’s waist then, hoping that the contact might offer her some comfort.  He noted, though, that despite what personal pain she was experiencing, her eyes remained glued to the footage.  A moment or two later, the song ended, the younger Shepard and her father exiting the stage and another group replacing them.  Shepard continued watching, lowering her arms to rest atop his, leaning back against him just a bit more.  Kaidan couldn’t say he minded.  There were times during their often complicated relationship that he wondered just what he offered that helped her when she appeared so strong, capable and unflappable to those around her.  It was in moments like this that he found the answer to that question.  
  
The video continued on through more footage, until finally the last set of performers (he knew this from previewing it in Allers’ cabin earlier) took the stage, one of whom he’d recognized was the commander once again.  The man she’d identified a few moments before as her father was back, as was another young woman.  As the scene before them settled, and the song began, Kaidan heard Shepard whimper softly.  He was about to question if she was alright when it occurred to him who the other person must be.    
  
“Kaysey.”    
  
Hearing her voice crack, he glanced down to see tears rolling down her cheek.  Arms tightening around her, he glanced to his left towards Allers.  Nodding once, the reporter spoke up.  “Commander, the images here were gathered years ago for a series of reports on life out in the colonies.  A colleague of mine came across it recently, forwarded it on to me since he knew I was on board the _Normandy_ and asked if I would verify that it was indeed you in the footage.  After receiving it, I approached Major Alenko for his input.”    
  
Kaidan then added quietly, “Allers has agreed to kill the story if that is what you want.”  He watched as for a very long moment, Shepard’s eyes remained locked on the display in front of her.  Had he erred in judgement with this decision?  Should he not have brought this to her attention?    
  
But then he felt her move slightly, and his eyes dropped to make certain that she wasn’t trying to pull away.  What he found instead, however, confused him for a moment.  Shepard still stood ramrod straight, her military bearing difficult to miss even now, but her left hand was tapping lightly against her leg.  It took less than an instant to realize that it was moving in rhythm with the song.  And as his eyes lifted back towards the screen, he observed that her lips were barely mouthing the words to the song, only noticeable by someone standing very close to her like he was, but still not something he had expected.    
  
The song ended soon thereafter, and as it did, Shepard seemed to come back to herself, turning slightly so she could look over Kaidan’s shoulder in Allers’ direction.  “Thank you,” she rasped and he could hear the pain in her voice.  Then a bit more steadily, “Thank you for this.  You have no idea ….”  
  
A smile lit Allers’ eyes then as she nodded.  “Don’t worry, Commander,” she assured Shepard quickly, “the story will not move forward.  And this,” she gestured towards the images, “you can keep.  I will see that any remaining copies are purged once and for all.”  
  
Shepard nodded, but could say nothing else in response.  The swooshing of the door opening and closing was lost on her as she turned back to watch the last of the footage.  With Kaidan still standing behind her offering his support, she reached over to start the footage once more.  This time, she managed to make it through without completely breaking down.  This time, as Kaidan’s arms remained around her, she watched and listened and did something she hadn’t done since that day on Mindoir nearly sixteen years before.  She _remembered_.  Fully and completely, she recalled events from her past that while they still brought pain (Javik’s memory shard came to mind for the briefest of moments, and suddenly Shepard thought she could understand the Prothean’s initial reaction when she had asked about it), she also experienced a form of healing in the process.  This time through when she reached the performance with her sister, Shepard began humming the tune along with the vid.  
  
To say that he was surprised was an understatement.  In all he had ever learned about Shepard, Kaidan would never even have guessed she had such musical talent … or such an incredible sounding voice.  But to see her now … it was like seeing the sun rise over the tops of the mountains near his family’s orchard: beautiful, breathtaking, captivating.  
  
When the vid ended this time, Shepard did not reach to replay it.  She had too much to think about just then, so many memories from her past that she had blocked still flowing over and through her.  With Kaidan standing there, his arms still around her in support, she felt brave enough to face them.  Just how much time passed, she wasn’t certain, but when finally she opened her eyes once more and tilted her head back just a bit, she found Kaidan smiling gently down at her.  Shepard managed a small smile back.  “Thank you,” she murmured, turning in his arms.    
  
Kaidan lifted a brow.  “I didn’t do much -”  
  
Shepard’s smile widened just a bit.  Lifting a hand so she could cradle his cheek, she insisted firmly yet quietly, “You did more than you will ever know.”  Leaning up on her toes, she kissed his lips briefly.  “This was something I should have done years ago,” she admitted afterwards.  Then with a sigh, she rested her head against his shoulder again.    
  
“Glad I could help,” he murmured in reply.  “I assume one day you’ll explain to me just what I did?”  He had a pretty good idea, but it never hurt to hear it from her directly.  
  
Shepard managed a soft chuckle then, surprising even herself given what she’d just experienced.  “Soon,” she promised.   _One step at a time._  
  
  



	13. A Commander's Best Friend

“The diamond?”  Kaidan asked, curiosity getting the better of him.  He glanced at the price tag and tried not to wince.  He’d expected the price to be high, but that could be considered gouging, particularly with the war going on.   “Why not the pearl?  Or the ruby?”  
  
Liara shook her head, her focus on the items laid out on the counter before them.  “No, I don’t think the pearl would work.  Not with her pale complexion.”  The asari didn’t go into the many reasons that the red just would not be right.    
  
Kaidan frowned.  “I have to think of her skin tone to decide this?” he asked in some bewilderment.  He ignored the amusement in the asari’s chuckle.  He’d find a way to get even with her later.  Right now, he needed her help.  
  
“If you’re worried about color,” the sales clerk suggested while reaching for yet another option in the display cabinet, “what about the emerald?  Or perhaps the sapphire?”  
  
Kaidan’s eyes lifted to view the two new items being set before him.  Immediately, his eyes were drawn to the sapphire, a blue so vibrant that it reminded him of the color of her eyes.  Liara’s gasp was soft, but he heard it and took it as a sign to indicate that she too thought this might be the one.  “That’s beautiful,” she murmured.  “Matches her eyes, don’t you think?”  
  
“Yeah,” he replied as he felt his mouth go just a bit dry.  He was taking an awful chance with this idea, but he wanted to give Shepard something special.  Something meaningful.  Something that told her in no uncertain terms that this time around he was committed to their relationship.  He’d said as much before, but still ….  “And you said it’s resizable, right?”  
  
The clerk nodded.  “Absolutely.”  
  
Again, Kaidan hesitated.  But in the end, he knew he had to do it.  He just hoped it would help Shepard understand just how serious he was.  “Can you have it wrapped and delivered to the _Normandy_?”  When the sales clerk nodded, Kaidan gave Liara one last questioning glance.  The asari nodded once, but firmly.  “Alright, I’ll take it.”

* * *

  
  
The Presidium not being his usual haunt, it had taken James a while to feel something resembling comfortable as he prowled the shops and cafes.  What had possessed him to even show up here was simple - the commander had asked him to stop by one of the arms shops to check if a certain updated modification was in stock.  And while this normally would not have bothered him, seeing as it had only been a short time since the Cerberus coup attempt, he could not help but feel that everyone’s eyes were upon him, judging him and marking him for someone suspicious.    
  
And while he’d somewhat expected that sort of reaction from the variety of people who lived on the Citadel, what he’d not expected to come across was the Doc and Flash huddled together at one of the shops, heads drawn close together in consultation.  The talking in hushed voices kind.  He’d moved on quickly, not wanting to be accused of eavesdropping or anything, but he did overhear some of their conversation as he walked by and what he’d overheard was not sitting well with him.  James was somewhat familiar with the relationship between the major and the commander, having picked up on it over the past few months, some of which had even been made clear by Lola and Flash themselves.  To him, it had seemed as if whatever had stood between them before the Reaper invasion had finally been worked out.    
  
But if that was the case, then why had he heard Flash talking about gemstones with Doc?    
  
He’d not had much time to think about it, however.  He’d arrived at his own destination and had a lengthy conversation  first with the sales clerk and then with the shop owner regarding the commander’s request, until finally coming to some sort of mutually beneficial resolution.  By the time he was exiting the Presidium, Flash and Doc had departed, leaving James to start wondering again.  But now the question became something else entirely.  Should he mention any of this to the commander herself?  He wasn’t one to stick his nose into other peoples’ business, especially when not invited, but then again, the commander was someone he trusted and respected and if she was about to be hurt by someone else’s actions … well, he certainly didn’t want to see that happening.    
  
Upon return to the ship, James discovered that the commander was still aboard the Citadel, and having nothing better to do to kill time, he made his way to the kitchens where he began preparing one of his favorite snacks to tide him over until dinner.  When Buggy showed up shortly thereafter and they began conversing, James found himself forgetting the incident on the Citadel completely ….

* * *

  
  
If there was one thing Shepard could say that she ‘hated’ about the trips to the Citadel it was that she never seemed to have a moment to take just for herself.  With the ever increasing escalation of the Reaper invasion, it seemed that she was needed to help everyone and anyone who requested assistance.  Normally, this was not an issue.  Being a soldier, an N7, even a Spectre, it sort of fell under the job description.  Hell, looking at her background, it was simply a part of her nature.  You did what needed to be done.  You saw to your own people.  You helped those who needed assistance.  It was as natural to her as breathing.  But when friends began noticing that she looked more drawn, haggard and even downright exhausted from everything that seemed to be weighing upon her … well, she knew better than to let it get to the point where they stepped in and _forced_ her to take a break.  While they might be right about the fact she needed one, the inevitable ‘discussion’ that would ensue (maybe they were right about her being stubborn?) was not something the rest of the crew needed to witness with any sort of frequency.  
  
Which was why she’d stayed aboard the Citadel so long this visit.  Once meetings and errands were complete, she took just a short while all to herself, and a page out of both Cortez and Garrus’ books, heading up to look out over the Presidium and watch as the ships and cabs and other vehicles traveled by.  While not exactly quiet per se (no auditory emulators could turn off real life, right?), for fifteen minutes or so she had found some peace to help separate herself from the demands of daily life and just let the world go by around her, without her.  It wasn’t a perfect solution by any means, but it would have to do.  
  
Upon her return to the _Normandy_ , Shepard consulted with Joker and EDI to make certain all crew members were back aboard before giving the order to leave.  This completed, she headed to her cabin where the inevitable filing of the multitude of mission reports required by the Systems Alliance in regards to her meetings and errands began.  It never failed, it seemed.  Always, whether it was a battle, a meeting or just a delivery or pickup there was paperwork to be done.  Why couldn’t the Reapers be caught up in paperwork?  Might end the war more quickly.  
  
Sadly, so deep into this task did she become that the dinner hour was long past when Shepard glanced over to look at the time.  Though she still had a ways to go to reach the end of her chore, she had made a huge dent in the mountain of reports needing attention so she felt justified in a break.  As she exited her cabin, she silently hoped there were some leftovers still in the mess otherwise it might mean finding something to make on her own and that could be a dangerous thing indeed.  
  
Exiting onto the crew deck, Shepard found it quiet enough.  With the mad rush of dinner well over, she only found a few individuals remaining, standing around and chatting while finishing their coffee.  She nodded at them as she passed, saluting only when one saluted her directly, and eventually made her way to the kitchen.  A quick inspection of the contents of the refrigerator resulted in the discovery that no leftovers remained.  Damn.  Well this wouldn’t be the first time she’d relied on rations to keep her tied over until the next hot meal.  Giving the refrigerator one last glare of disgust for its betrayal, Shepard turned sharply away …  
  
… and nearly bumped right into James.  “Hey now, Lola,,” he teased with a bit of a chuckle, his hands lifting automatically to keep her from falling, “what did that thing ever do to deserve such a reaction?”  
  
Shepard stepped aside in case he was headed to get food as well.  “I missed dinner,” she admitted, feeling just a bit ridiculous for how petulant that made her sound, “and there’s no leftovers.”  
  
Vega’s chuckle rumbled just a bit louder then, but he backed off a bit, lifting his hands in front of him in defense as Shepard narrowed her gaze on him.  “Hey now, it’s not like _I_ ate them all,” he reminded her.  “Though, dinner was good tonight ….”  
  
Shepard sniffed and turned away.  “Glad someone enjoyed it,” she muttered.  Then as Vega began listing off what had been served, Shepard both heard and felt her stomach rumble.  “Not helping, lieutenant,” she grumbled.  
  
But James didn’t seem worried.  “Tell you what, Lola,” he offered as her stomach rumbled once more, “how ‘bout I make you something?”      
  
Shepard eyed him for a long moment.  Arms crossing before her, she asked, “What are you thinking?”  
  
James grinned.  “Huevo rancheros,” he told her.  When he saw her eyes narrowing further, his grin widened.  She was known to be a fierce soldier … but not one with a cast-iron stomach.  “I’ll keep ‘em tame.  Promise!”  
  
Shepard kept the frown in place a moment, but then nodded.  It would be better than the alternative.  “Alright, just ... yeah.  Keep it tame.”  She moved around to watch as James began pulling out the ingredients for the meal.  She’d seen him make it before, but never tried it herself.  This could be interesting.  While he began his preparations, she went about making herself a cup of tea to drink.    
  
As he began cracking the eggs, Shepard asked him about the trip to the Citadel to collect the modification she’d requested.  It was as he was assuring her he had that he found himself conflicted about bringing up what he’d seen and overheard between Flash and Doc.    
  
Shepard was listening to James’ recounting of his conversations with the sales clerk when she heard footsteps approaching behind her.  Glancing over her shoulder, she spotted Kaidan and Liara nearing, though the asari veered off at the last moment, offering a knowing grin and a wave of the hand to Shepard before disappearing around the corner into her quarters.  Confused, Shepard could only wave back, her eyes drifting over to meet Kaidan’s with a brow raised in question.  It was then that she saw a bit of a sheepish look cross his face and … was that a blush?  “Hey Kaidan,” she greeted him while turning to face him.  “What’s up?”  
  
“Hey, Shepard.  Do you have a moment?”  He nodded at Vega whose attention had turned towards him as well.  Swallowing tightly, he added, “In private?”  
  
Shepard nodded and gestured towards the now empty table nearby.  “Have a seat,” she told him while taking her own.  Setting her tea aside, she continued, “What’s up?”  She was a bit startled to see him begin fidgeting across from her then, his hands moving in familiar knuckle-cracking motions that she recognized from the few times she’d observed him nervous in the past.  Reaching out, she placed her hand over his and waited.  He jumped a bit at first, almost as if he hadn’t realized what he was doing, but then he turned one of his hands to curl around hers.  “Everything okay?” she asked.    
  
“Yeah,” he managed after a moment.  “I guess I just ….”  Kaidan sighed.  He saw concern for him growing in her eyes and he knew he just needed to tell her.  Another sigh.  Reaching behind him with his other hand, he pulled out the purchase he’d made earlier that day and laid it before her on the table.  “I saw this earlier,” he explained quietly, nudging it just a bit closer to her, “and thought you might ….”  
  
Startled, Shepard caught his gaze for just a moment.  “Kaidan,” she told him quietly, her hand squeezing his before releasing it to reach for the box, “you don’t have to do this.”  
  
When she let go of his hand, Kaidan explained, “I did it because I wanted to.”  He watched her pull the box closer, her fingers slowly, almost hesitantly, moving to open it.    
  
Shepard had to admit that she suddenly felt nervous at the idea of receiving a gift from Kaidan.  It wasn’t like they hadn’t exchanged gifts before … they had, but this one appeared to have more meaning behind it if she was reading him correctly, and that was something that had the butterflies in her stomach flitting around quite rapidly just then.    
  
Kaidan’s stopped breathing as the box opened and she tilted it just enough to see what was inside.  He watched closely, eyes focused first on her hand as it reached inside.  Was it shaking?  That certainly seemed like a tremor.  He lifted his gaze to watch her eyes as she took hold and pulled the gift from its wrappings.  He heard a soft, “Oh, Kaidan,” escape her lips, barely discernible over the humming of the _Normandy’_ s engines.  But he couldn’t tell … was that a good sign or a bad one?    
  
Taking the gift in hand, Shepard lifted it out of the box.  Eyes darting over to meet his, she searched for something to say.  “That’s -”  
  
Kaidan nodded.  “Yeah.”  
  
Shepard paused a moment, searching for something else.  “It’s … beautiful, Kaidan.”  And it most definitely was that.    
  
Kaidan drew in a slow lungful of air then, realizing she wasn’t rejecting it.  “Just an idea I had after finding it on the Citadel,” he told her with a lopsided smile.  She didn’t have to know it was something that had occurred to him weeks before, shortly after they had gotten back together.  “Is the color okay?”  That was the one thing that still bothered him.  Yes, he liked it.  Liara assured him it was a good color for Shepard.  However, the real test would be Shepard’s own reaction.    
  
Shepard nodded silently while running her finger along the outer edge.  It was a brilliant shade of blue, one that she knew he likened to the color of her eyes (he’d told her this enough in the past).  “It’s … perfect.”  
  
Relief washed over him completely then almost making him feel weak.    
  
“Here you go, Commander.”  Both Kaidan and Shepard seemed startled by his arrival, James noted, their eyes darting quickly up to meet his as he set the plate on the table in front of her.  It was then that he noticed what Shepard was holding in her hands.  “What’s that?”  
  
Shepard smiled warmly over at Kaidan.  Setting the gift down on the table between them, she reached for the plate of food and began eating.  “You know that old saying, James?  ‘Diamonds are a girl’s best friend’?”  
  
Vega nodded.  “Yeah, I’ve heard it,” he admitted.  A chuckle from Flash though had James re-evaluating the conversation he’d partially overheard on the Citadel earlier that day.  Was _this_ what he’d been talking about with Doc?    
  
Swallowing a mouthful of the huevo rancheros, Shepard winked up at James before adding, “Well, in this case the Paladin is a commander’s best friend.”  A quick grin at Kaidan again and she felt the butterflies beginning to diminish.  “And in my favorite color, too.”  
  
Kaidan chuckled.  “Well, you are damned difficult to buy for, Shepard,” he teased.  Reaching out, he lifted the weapon and began examining it in more detail now that his nerves had settled.  “Soldier … Spectre … N7.  What do you buy for someone like that?”  
  
Shepard chuckled.  “Can’t be too difficult,” she returned, gesturing towards the weapon.  “You managed this easily enough.”  
  
Additional voices could be heard moving into the area then, and upon recognition of one particular turian rumble James commented, “Better put that beauty away under lock and key then, Lola.  Don’t know what’ll happen if Scars sees it ….”


	14. At the End of the Day

For Shepard, there was a routine to her life as a soldier.  A certain rhythm to the day, to a mission, and everything in between.  Never was this more true than immediately before or following a mission.  It wasn’t superstition, per se, it was just something she did.  There had been only one time in her career she’d not followed her usual routine … and that had ended up with, well, her ‘death.’  Still and all, even after all that had happened over the past few years, she did not think of it as a superstition.  Even if, and she’d swear it was a subconscious thing, she did step off the elevator with her right foot whenever exiting into the shuttle bay for a mission, arming herself with her pistol before her sniper rifle, or making certain that she took her position in the co-pilot seat in the shuttle just before Cortez seated himself.    
  
Upon their safe return, she was just as ‘fussy’ (Liara’s term, not Shepard’s), but procedure was procedure, right?    After a mission, once the shuttle had returned to the _Normandy_ and landed safely, Shepard and her companions would disembark and check their gear over thoroughly before storing it away for their next trip out.  Each item would be examined closely, if necessary by more than one pair of eyes.  Afterwards, while the commander would head off to shower, change and then debrief with one of the admirals, the others would also get cleaned up.  Eventually, all team members involved would all meet back at the mess and share a post-mission meal with their commander while debriefing amongst themselves.  And though procedure might be procedure, Shepard was all about keeping things casual and comfortable among her crew whenever possible.  They had enough to deal with in this war already without adding any further formality to it.  
  
At least, that was the theory.  Quite often, several of the other crew members would join the ground team which inevitably resulted in a semi-debrief-but-mostly-bull-session before turning into a trade-off of stories regarding past missions or what have you, especially if Vega and Garrus were involved.  However, all in all it was a good way to wind down and recover, particularly from missions that did not end as well as they should have, and in the end that was what Shepard wanted for her people.  That each and every one of her team members appreciated the process was just a bonus.    
  
Just as they had with this particular mission.  Sort of.  The trip to the Ardat-Yakshi monastery had been difficult to say the least, and an experience that had almost ended much more tragically than it ultimately did, noble intentions being what they were to some people.  Though tragedy had been averted, the trip back on the shuttle had been subdued which was an indication to Shepard that her squadmates would need to talk things out.  Yet further reinforcement supporting her procedures.  In this particular case, it was Liara and Kaidan, and while Cortez might have had his own concerns, he expressed them to Shepard privately while they were still in the shuttle bay, exacting somewhat of a promise from the commander that she would alert him the next time she decided to blow up their present location.  
  
It came as a bit of a surprise for Shepard, then, to arrive at the mess after this mission and discover that Kaidan was absent.  Liara was there speaking with Garrus and James, explaining what the Ardat-Yakshi were and the purpose for the monastery.  But as she grabbed some food and took her seat, Shepard made a mental note: no Kaidan.  After only the briefest of hesitations, Shepard decided it wasn’t worth trying to hunt him down just then and so she sat with the others.  Cortez joined them a short time later, and as usual, the ‘debrief’ lasted for a good couple of hours before Shepard finally begged off on the grounds that she would never get her reports written and filed which in turn would lead to a lack of sleep, which was enough of a not so subtle threat for the others to shoo her off, chuckles following after her retreating form.  
  
Before leaving the crew deck, however, Shepard went in search of Kaidan.  It was unusual enough for him to miss the debrief that it had her slightly worried.  The fact that he’d been so subdued on the return journey only heightened her concern.  She ducked into the starboard observation lounge first, Kaidan’s usual hangout when he was off duty.  The room was empty though, Shepard noted, and there was no sign that he’d even been in there since his return from the mission.  Eyes narrowing, concern growing, she moved on, peeking into the sleeping quarters where Kaidan had taken up residence and claimed a bed, but that room was empty too.  Again, there was no sign that he had been in there since before the mission started.  And on and on it went.  Concern growing with each empty location, by the time Shepard was on her way up to her own quarters, she began to wonder how she’d get her focus back in order to do her reports.    
  
Entering her cabin, the first thing Shepard noted was that the luminescent glow coming from the wall-mounted fish tank appeared to be dimmer than usual.  That being said, she nearly tripped down the steps as she entered the room.  But before she could wonder at it, her eyes were drawn to the even darker silhouette lying upon her bed.  It did not take much for her to understand.  Reaching out, she found the edge of the bed and moved around until she could sit beside him.  “Kaidan,” she murmured softly, her hand reaching out to touch his arm lightly.  He didn’t reply, but she knew he was awake when a hand reached up to cover the back of hers.  “Do I need to call for Dr. Chakwas?”  
  
“No,” he insisted immediately, almost too forcefully.  “Just a migraine.”  
  
Shepard nodded.  Kicking off her boots, she moved to slide up behind him, her back against the headboard as she reached over to massage his shoulders and neck area.  Gently, carefully, she attempted to offer him whatever comfort she could.  It was something she had done for him several times in the past, something he had insisted helped, but this was the first time in years she had been around him when suffering from one of his headaches.  “The banshees?” she asked quietly.  He grunted softly, an indication of his agreement with her assessment.  Several times on this mission, Shepard had heard Kaidan groaning a reaction to this new form of Reaper creature, and while she could not say that their screeching calls had not left her unaffected, she figured that his sensitivity to them came from his biotic implant.    
  
After a time, she asked, “When did you come up here?”  
  
“When you were debriefing with Hackett,” he replied.  “It was the only place I could think of that would be … quiet.  I hope you don’t mind.”  
  
“No, of course not.”  Shepard felt him roll his shoulders a bit and she paused her actions until he settled once again.  As she did so, she noticed that he had shifted to lean back against her just a bit more than he had been earlier.  Hands settling once more, she remained silent for a time while gently kneading the muscles around his shoulders and neck.  His migraines were troublesome things, she knew.  A debilitating effect caused by his L2 implant, Shepard had seen firsthand just how bad they could be for him in the past.  This, however, was the first one he’d experienced that she knew of since he’d started treatments with Dr. Michel while at the hospital on the Citadel.  For his sake, she hoped it was just a one-off triggered by the banshees, and not some new trend.  
  
Her thoughts returned to the present when Kaidan’s hand moved to catch her left one.  Glancing down, she found his eyes staring up at hers.  Blinking in confusion, she asked, “Did I do something wrong?”  To be honest, she had been so deep into her thoughts that she wasn’t quite certain what she had been doing with her hands other than just rubbing along his shoulders.  
  
“Uh, no,” he replied haltingly, turning to face her more directly.  “Not wrong, exactly.”  
  
Shepard frowned.  “Then what …?”  
  
She watched as he turned and propped himself up on his arm, a move that brought him closer and definitely well within her personal space.  For the first time in weeks, since that day on the Citadel when she had lost Thane, Shepard felt the drell’s absence from her life not ache quite so much.  Eyes dropping to meet Kaidan’s, searching them for answers to questions she was still uncertain of herself, she managed to whisper his name.  It was enough.  She felt his hand touch her cheek, his fingers a bit hesitant at first before sliding around to weave through her hair in an effort to pull her closer towards him.  And the touch of his lips against hers ….  How could she ever have forgotten that?    
  
The contact was brief, Kaidan’s hold on her releasing just moments later as he lowered his head back to the pillows.  Unconsciously reaching out, Shepard traced her fingers lightly along his temple only to feel him tremble just a bit beneath her touch.  She was at a loss what to say just then.  They had finally managed to reach a somewhat neutral status in their relationship since his return to the _Normandy_ and she didn’t want to lose that.  He’d said he wanted to be at least friends, and she wanted that too.  But if this was any indication, there was the chance for something more ….  
  
“Thank you, Shepard.”  
  
Shepard drew her lower lip between her teeth then as he spoke.  “For?” she countered, unsure why he was thanking her.  It could be any number of things, she knew, ranging from allowing him back onto the ship to -  
  
“For a second chance.”  
  
Shepard sighed.  Well, that didn’t really explain anything now did it?  Dropping her hand from his face to his shoulder, she slowly traced a line out and down his arm with her fingertips.  She felt a smile pull at her lips as his hand moved quickly to halt her movements.  Nice to know she wasn’t alone in this sort of nervous exploration of feelings thing.  “You’ll need to be a bit more specific, major,” she murmured, her eyes lifting to meet his then.  The look she saw there, though, pretty much told her what she needed to know.  
  
Kaidan managed a small chuckle.  “Do I really, commander?” he returned.    
  
Shepard swallowed tightly, her mouth feeling dry all of a sudden.  Between the look she hoped she was seeing in his eyes and the double meaning to his words, she was suddenly feeling very out of her element.  She was used to being in control of the situation, but now …?  So much had passed between them over the past couple of years, she could not help but feel a bit uncertain.    
  
Whether he felt the same or not, Shepard didn’t know but in the long run it didn’t matter as she noticed the look in his eyes alter just slightly, enough so that the moment was gone almost as quickly as it had risen between them.  She felt a sharp pang in her chest at the thought of missing out on such an opportunity, but seeing him wince a moment later stopped that thought process too.  “Your headache?” she asked.  
  
Eyes closed again, Kaidan nodded slowly.  “Yeah.  For a moment, I thought it might have gone ….”  
  
Sighing softly in understanding, Shepard shifted her position so she could lie down beside him, turning just enough so she could wrap her arms around his chest and reach up to rub at his shoulders and the base of his neck once more.  It was a much more intimate position than earlier, but oddly enough that didn’t seem to be an issue just then.  First things first.  He was her friend and he was in pain.  Later she could sit around and think on what had happened, or had almost happened, or … well, whatever it might be considered.  For the moment, however, what he needed was for her to have his back like he so often did for her, and that was something she could do.  “That’s okay,” she told him quietly.  “We’ll just try again.”


	15. Saying Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mass Effect 1 era. Just after Virmire.

  
  
  
Kaidan was torn, feeling at very loose ends just then.  This was the second time on this mission they had lost someone - third, if you counted Nihlus.  But this time it just seemed … worse, somehow.  The commander had explained the decision behind her call to him and the others - something that as their superior officer she didn’t have to do but Shepard, being Shepard, did it anyway - but despite this, it wasn’t lessening the guilt he was feeling.  Okay, sure, he understood that the necessity for making certain the bomb had been placed and detonated was the more important mission … but was it really?  Had it been worth the cost?  
  
Uncertain of what to do with himself, Kaidan finally decided to head down to the armory.  He didn’t venture there too often, and certainly not without specific intent, but it was where Ashley had kept many of her personal effects and those would need to be boxed up and shipped home to her family.  It was the least he could do for her now that she was gone.  And perhaps it might help him gain some perspective.  Maybe.  
  
He soon found that he wasn’t the only one with that idea.  As he stepped off the elevator, he found the area empty … except for one other person who was standing among Ashley’s belongings.  Though the figure was framed by shadows, he knew who it was before crossing the room to join her.    
  
“Commander.”

* * *

  
  
After the debriefs and filing of reports specifying the details of the events on Virmire, Shepard had felt an almost desperate need for solitude.  But duty still called, and so she had settled for the chore of gathering together Ashley’s personal items, preparing them for shipment back to her mother and remaining sisters.  Already, she was mentally composing the letter to accompany the box:  
  
 _Dear Mrs. Williams, Abby, Lynn and Sarah,_  
  
 _It is with a heavy heart that I find myself writing this letter, though a heart filled with a great deal of pride in your daughter/sister.  Ashley was an exceptional soldier and one I am very glad I could call friend …._  
  
Pausing a moment, Shepard found her thoughts returning to the present as she came across a book.  Even before she took the worn cloth bound item in hand, she knew what it was as Ashley had told her just weeks before that it was the only book she carried with her in the field.  Shepard found the proper page easily, the crease of the top corner where it had been repeatedly dog-eared over the years an obvious marker.  With a small smile, Shepard made the same observation she had made when Ash had shown her the tome: how had the corner not fallen off?  Swallowing tightly, she lifted the book closer so she could read the words in the dim lighting, though as she did so she could hear Ashley’s voice in her head reciting along.  
  
 _and though  
We are not now that strength which in old days  
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;  
One equal temper of heroic hearts,  
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will  
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield._  
  
“Commander.”  
  
Shepard jumped slightly, more than a little embarrassed at being caught so unaware.  She’d not heard his footsteps as he’d approached, as caught up in the poem as she’d been.  “Kaidan.”  Her voice was little more than a quiet murmur as she struggled to keep her personal feelings in check, hidden from the rest of the crew as always.  Grieving was a personal thing as far as she was concerned.  At least, where _she_ was concerned.  Besides, a captain should be there for the crew and not the other way around, right?  
  
“I see we had the same idea,” Kaidan commented quietly while gesturing towards the partially filled box.  “May I help?”  
  
It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him no, but Shepard refrained.  Just in time it occurred to her that as much as this might be a part of her own personal healing process, it could be the same for the lieutenant.  “Sure,” she confirmed.  “There are still a few things left to pack up.”

* * *

  
  
Appreciative of the opportunity, Kaidan stepped forward.  He immediately spotted a photograph of four women bearing a striking resemblance to Ash.   _Her family_ , he concluded.   _Mother, Abby, Lynn and Sarah_.  As the names came back to him, Kaidan recalled the few instances he and Ash had taken the time to just chat, to learn about the other.  He’d found her to be an interesting person, if not exactly his type.  They’d had a few things in common, but beyond that their relationship had quickly fallen into what he’d assumed to be one similar to siblings.  Quick, light hearted banter; easy teasing that could give way to fierce loyalty one moment or decided antagonism the next; and always there had been the camaraderie between soldiers.  “She had a strong, supportive family,” he heard himself saying before handing Shepard the picture.  
  
“That she did,” Shepard agreed, taking the picture and adding it to the collection.  Moving up beside him, she reached out for several datapads containing messages between Ashley and her family.  She didn’t bother to go through them, privacy was still privacy even after a marine had fallen, right?  Instead, she just loaded them into the box, setting the book of poetry over top of it to keep them weighted down.    
  
It was as she was turning back to view the next item Kaidan had taken up that Shepard spotted the assault rifle mod she’d given Ashley not two weeks before, just after their last run to the Citadel.  The mod that should have been installed on her weapon.  The one that they had disagreed about and in the end, Shepard had _ordered_ Ash to install.  
  
 _“But commander -”_  
  
 _“But nothing!  Williams, you know as well as I do that the only thing keeping us alive in these battles against the geth is by having every available advantage!”_  
  
 _“Ma’am, with all due respect, you know as well as I do that a soldier knows their weapons best.  I’m set up the best way I need to be.”_  
  
 _“Just do it, chief!  We always have to be prepared, even for the things that come along that are unexpected.”_  
  
Shepard took the mod in hand for a long moment and simply held it.  Wrapping her fingers around it, she could feel the coldness of the steel against her skin though her irritation and the slightest bit of anger from their conversation remained.  Shepard was astute enough to realize that in the long run, this and any other mod Ash had used would have made no real difference.  Not with what had transpired on Virmire.  But that was beside the point.  Closing her eyes for a moment, Shepard whispered, “You should have been prepared for the unexpected, Ash.”  
  
Hearing Shepard murmuring something beside him, Kaidan glanced over at her to find her standing very still and with eyes closed.  “Commander?” he ventured, uncertain as to whether he should interrupt her just then.  
  
But Kaidan’s voice pulled her back and Shepard’s eyes popped open.  “Sorry,” she replied, setting the mod aside for the time being.  “Just … remembering.”  
  
“Hmm.  You said something about the ‘unexpected’?” Kaidan observed then.  
  
Sighing, Shepard nodded.  Turning to lean her hip against the table, she folded her arms across her chest and looked up at him.  “Ash and I had a … disagreement a few weeks ago,” she explained.  “Right after Feros.  I’d purchased a mod for her to use … and she refused to install it.  In our discussion, I’d warned her about being prepared for the unexpected.”  She gave a quick head tilt towards Ashley’s belongings before she added, “In the long run it wouldn’t have made any difference, I suppose, but …”  
  
Kaidan nodded.  He understood.  “But that’s beside the point,” he concluded quietly.    
  
Shepard sighed.  “Yes.  It was a lesson I’d learned the hard way,” she added softly.  “One I’d hoped she’d take my word on perhaps?”  She sighed again, lifting a hand to rub against her temple for a moment.   
  
“Or maybe,” he mused, “it was something she should have known already after Eden Prime?”  
  
“Hmm.”    
  
Kaidan stepped around her to set a few more datapads inside the box.  Turning to face her for a moment, he asked, “Are you alright?”  
  
Shepard lifted her hands to her face for a moment, covered her cheeks and then sighed.  “It just … stirred up some old memories.  Memories I’d thought I’d dealt with a long time ago.”  Another sigh.  “Memories I _had_ dealt with a long time ago.”  It was never easy to lose one of your crew, but this ….  
  
Kaidan kept his eyes on her for a long moment, only slightly concerned by her words.  Her past was well known in Alliance circles and even outside them, but there was an emotion he heard in her voice that caught his attention, yet he could not quite put a name to it.  “Akuze?” he asked.  
  
Shepard lowered her hands, glancing up at him and shaking her head.  “No.  Mindoir.”  She straightened after another moment.  “I’ll be fine,” she reassured him, strength returning to her tone then.  “It just … hit a bit close to home is all, I guess.”    
  
“Commander,” he began, reaching out to rest a hand lightly on her arm, “you know, if you ever want to talk about -”  
  
Shepard’s head lifted to meet his look of concern with a small smile.  “Thank you, lieutenant,” she replied, “but I’m good.  I’ll be fine.”  
  
The last few things were gathered then and added to the box before Shepard sealed it and moved to lift it.  Kaidan surprised her though by reaching for the box himself and tucking it beneath his arm.  “I will take care of this, commander,” he told her.  “If you want to add a message to her family …?”  
  
Shepard nodded as they entered the elevator together.  “I will go do that now.  When we get to the Citadel we can leave this with Captain Anderson to be shipped out.”    
  
The rest of the trip up went in silence, but all the while Shepard was thinking.  Always thinking.  Perhaps Kaidan was right.  She’d thought she’d dealt with these issues after Mindoir and Akuze years before, but her solution had been to ‘deal with them’ in solitude.  Maybe sharing them would help?  
  
As they exited the elevator and Kaidan turned to the left, Shepard called out, “Lieutenant?”  
  
He turned back to face her.  “Ma’am?”  
  
She felt heat rise in her cheeks at the almost too formal stiffness that was rising between them.  This was not the way she should go about asking him.  “Kaidan,” she tried again and noted him relax just a bit at the use of his name.  “Maybe you’re right.”  He looked startled by her comment, so she added, “About talking, I mean.  If you’re free later … maybe over a cup of coffee …?”  
  
Kaidan nodded immediately.  “Of course, Shepard.  I’d be glad to.”  
  
“Thank you.  I’ll see you in a bit.”  Shepard smiled and turned towards her cabin then.  She had a letter to write first.


	16. The Trouble With Archangels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set ME2 era. Commander Serafina Shepard goes in search of Archangel.

_*****_  
 _Dossier: Archangel_  
 _\- Small-unit tactical expertise_  
 _\- Omni-tool expert and noted sniper_  
 _Archangel is a mercenary commander whose operations are noted for their technical expertise and strategic brilliance. He is responsible for high-profile attacks on gang leaders on Omega and can likely be found there._  
*****  
  
Shepard thought back to the words she’d read over and over again before disembarking the ship.  Between the dossier provided by the Illusive Man and the information gathered from Aria T’Loak, Shepard had a good idea now of why this man had been selected as a potential recruit.  Certainly his outlook on things seemed to match her own, given some of the reactions of the mercenary leaders.  Though, there was something about him that was nagging at the back of her mind though she couldn’t quite identify what it was ….  
  
“Ready when you are, Shep.”  
  
Kasumi’s quietly spoken words brought Shepard back to the present.  A small smirk of satisfaction played at her lips in response.  There was one mech that wouldn’t be causing them trouble in future.  Score one for the good guys.  “Right.  Let’s move out.”  Some minutes later while using the advance of more mercenary bands being sent across the bridge towards the hideout, Shepard was able to incapacitate Sergeant Cathka … and Tarak’s gunship.  Yet another plus.  
  
Shepard led her squad over to the bridge then, their objective now within sight.  A quick glance across and she could see the shadowy figure on the second level.  “Remember,” she murmured to Kasumi and Zaeed, “unlike the rest of these mercs we want him alive.”  Shepard was not surprised by either Kasumi’s laugh or Zaeed’s grunt just then.  Both companions had unique sense of humor, but they certainly were easier for her to trust at the moment than either Jacob or Miranda.  No doubt, word would get back to the Illusive Man.  In fact, Shepard was counting that it would.  She’d made it clear in no uncertain terms to him that she had no love or trust for him or Cerberus.  Hell, she wouldn’t even be here associating with them if not for the Collector attacks.  She was in an impossible situation - allying herself with an organization to which she felt obligated for her life even though she had no trust of them.  The stress alone was going to wear her out … unless she found more people she could trust.  She’d tried to recruit Tali back at Freedom’s Progress, but the quarian had backed off, claiming another mission of her own took priority.  Which might be true, Shepard knew that, and so she’d let it go for the time being.  But the desire to have at least one person she could call friend on that ship with her, aside from Dr. Chakwas or Joker, someone who would have her back out in the field, that was something that might set her mind at ease ….  
  
The trip across the bridge with the other freelancers went easily enough.  Shepard waited until the were nearly across the bridge before she started taking pot shots at them.  Keeping Kasumi’s darting form in her line of vision at all times, all that was needed was one well placed grenade ….  
  
The fight inside the building was a bit dodgier, but no more difficult in the long run.  Shepard was able to take out the last of the mercs with headshots her Predator as she approached while cloaked.  Entering the room above, she,  Kasumi and Zaeed came face to face with the masked Archangel.  Shepard called out his name in a neutral sort of greeting, as they entered, uncertain what their reception might actually be.  It was one thing for the Illusive Man to suggest that Archangel might assist them, but another to actually get his compliance.    
  
There was a vague moment where a hint of recognition niggled at the back of her brain while she kept her eye upon him as he knelt at the ledge, taking aim, firing his shot … but still she couldn’t place it.  This was becoming irritating, to say the least.  And distracting.  Miranda had told her she might have moments like this, shadow memories of a sort, she supposed.  Things from over two years before that she thought she remembered but really were.  It wasn’t that she hadn’t believed the woman, but then again ….  
  
Archangel removed his helmet then, commenting in a somewhat casual manner, “Shepard.  I thought you were dead.”  
  
Shepard blinked in astonishment as Archangel turned towards her revealing a strikingly familiar face.  “Garrus?”  It was barely a whisper, but he slight flare of his mandibles assured her he had heard.  A moment later, she felt a smile pulling at her lips.  What was that old saying?   _Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it._  “Just like old times, hmm?”     
  
The turian before her chuckled as he reached for his rifle and reloaded it.  “Loser buys the drinks?”  
  
Shepard chuckled as she switched out her pistol for the Mantis.  “Something like that.  And the story that goes with it.”  The look in his eyes assured her that he knew what ‘story’ she meant.  

* * *

  
  
It was a nervous habit.  One she’d picked up in her youth, had kept for years, but rarely ever showed to anyone else … until recently.  Whether it was due to the craziness of her ‘rebirth’ or the personal stresses and worries over what had happened, she wasn’t certain, though she suspected both and possibly more were involved.  Today, she was even cutting her debriefing short, unable to find the necessary focus.  So what was she doing?    
  
Pacing.   Back and forth.  Counting her steps.  Around the table.  Turning, retracing her steps.  She knew she needed to go down to the med bay, check in with Dr. Chakwas, but she was hesitant to do so.  Dismissing Jacob with a curt nod, she sent him off to formulate a plan for locating their next recruit.  That left her alone.  Not entirely a good place for her to be just at that moment, especially when she was still being haunted by the vision of Garrus lying in a pool of his own blood ….  
  
The whoosh of the door sliding open caught her attention, and Shepard’s eyes flew open, a soft gasp of alarm escaping her lips.  Straightening to attention out of habit, she turned slightly as a familiar rumble queried, “So tell me?  How bad does it look?  No one will give me a mirror to look in.”  
  
Shepard’s eyes met his for a long moment.  In that time, she felt her throat go dry as she saw the extensive bandaging Dr. Chakwas had left him with.   _I nearly failed my mission_ , she thought while taking a step towards him.   _Have my skills really fallen so much that I’m that far behind the game?  If I can’t protect my own team …._   Attempting humor as a way of hiding her worries from him, Shepard smirked and managed, “Hell, Garrus.  You were always ugly.  Slap a bit of face paint on it and call it done, already.”  
  
Thankfully, he found the humor in it and laughed.  It was a beautiful and very reassuring sound.  "Ahh.  Don’t make me laugh, Shepard,” he admonished while closing the distance between them.  “My face is barely holding together as it is.”    
  
If there was one thing about Garrus Shepard was certain of it was that he could give as good as he could take.  “Uh huh.”  
  
“You know, some women find facial scarring attractive,” he pointed out.  She rewarded him with a skeptical look.  “Mind you, most of those women are krogan."  
  
Another smirk.  “No doubt.”  Another long look.  And then she knew.  She just … she knew.  Things were going to be alright.  With Garrus there, she knew he’d have her back.  She could trust him.  They would get through this.  Straightening again and allowing the worry to roll off her shoulders, she nodded towards the door.  Together they headed out, weaving their way around towards the elevator.  “So,” she commented as they walked, “think you’re up to all this?”  
  
Garrus chuckled.  “Well, someone has to have your back while you fight the bad guys, right?”  
  
Shepard’s smile was one of relief.  “Something like that would be nice, yeah.”  
  
Once inside the elevator, he added, “So … why don’t you ‘buy’ me a drink and tell me all about it.”  
  
Finally, stress fading for the first time since she’d awoken, Shepard laughed.  A full, deep belly laugh, unencumbered by worry or concern.  “Watch it, Vakarian,” she warned with a broad wink as they stepped out onto the crew deck and turned towards the lounge in Kasumi’s room, “I know damned well who the loser was in our last battle.”  
  
She felt his hand settle on her shoulder as they entered the room.  “Yeah, but the Illusive Man isn’t here to buy the drinks, so as his designated employee, you’ll have to do.”    
  
“Remind me again why it’s good to have you back?” she tossed back easily.  
  
The sound of his rumbling laughter echoed through the room.  “No one else can outshoot you, remember?”  
  
Shepard grinned.  “Challenge accepted, Vakarian.  Challenge accepted.”    
  
The mixed sounds of human and turian laughter could be heard throughout the deck even after the door shut behind them.    
  



	17. Oh Captain, My Captain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Captain, My Captain! included in this piece is by Walt Whitman and is one of my all time favorite poems.

  
  
  
Everyone was well aware that any time one of them went out on a mission there was always a chance they might not come back.  It was a fact of life for a soldier.  During a war, the odds only increased.  The fate of the galaxy was dependent upon you.  You ignored the risk, though, focusing instead on the important part: achieve the objective.  Because ultimately, the objective would (presumably) save those who could not fight for themselves.    
  
In preparation for this, everyone had their own specific routine that they followed before departure.  Superstitions.  Prayers.  Meditations.  Any or all of the above.  And for the most part since the war had begun, each had returned safe and sound.  There had been the time on Mars when Kaidan had nearly lost his life, of course.  As recent events went, that was probably the closest the team had come to losing anyone.  At least until Tuchanka and then the Citadel.  But that had been a turning point of sorts.  Since that time there had been injuries, some more devastating than others, but at least people were surviving.  
  
This time, though, it was different.  This time it wasn’t one of _them_ but _her_.    
  
Liara had called ahead from the shuttle so that Cortez could focus only on the evac, arranging with Joker to have Dr. Chakwas waiting in the shuttle bay when they arrived.  As she was speaking to Joker, Kaidan had been doing everything he could to stem the bleeding.   _So damned much blood,_ he kept thinking, centralizing his focus to keep the panic at bay.  He slammed the door on the panic and the memories that tried to invade, to distract him from his current objective.  He’d had to keep Shepard alive long enough so that the doctor could take over treatment upon their arrival.    
  
Of course, it hadn’t been just the doctor waiting, which was a good thing in the end though tempers had flared for a few moments when the extent of Shepard’s injuries became known.  Voices raised, a punch or two thrown, harsh words tossed around as sharply as weapons might.  Anger and frustration finally giving way to accusations.  No one, it seemed, wanted to believe that their fearless leader’s life could be hanging in the balance.  Eventually, though, common sense prevailed, tempers calmed and apologies were made.  
  
While the majority of the group made their way towards the crew deck - showers and changing notwithstanding, they would want to be there, waiting, outside the med bay to offer whatever support they could for Shepard - Kaidan chose a different path.  Heading towards the war room, he struggled to find the words he would need to explain.  He knew Shepard’s routine after a mission as well as any of the others.  But he also realized that of the rest of them, he was the most senior ranking officer of any of the Systems Alliance crew.  It would be up to him to report to Admiral Hackett.  As he made his way through the CIC, Kaidan asked Traynor to make contact.  By the time he was entering the communications room, the image of Admiral Hackett was firming up.  Kaidan could not fail to notice the surprise in the man’s face as he stepped towards the console.  “Major Alenko.”  
  
“Admiral,” Kaidan returned as he nodded.  
  
“I assume that Shepard has a good reason to send you in her place?”  It wasn’t anything personal, Kaidan knew that.  But yet, in a way it was.  There was only one reason Shepard wouldn’t be here herself making contact with her superior.  And Admiral Hackett knew it.  Eyes met and held for a long moment as Kaidan straightened to attention.  “That bad?” the admiral asked in concern.   
  
Kaidan nodded solemnly.  “Admiral, I was with her.  I’m sure Dr. Chakwas could give you some long and detailed professional medical spiel to describe her injuries, but all I can tell you is that it was bad.”  It took every effort not to pointedly glance at the specific stains on the armor he still wore, knowing that they were evidence enough.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
Kaidan sighed.  Now there was a good question.  “A Cerberus phantom, sir.  One of those new ninja-like infiltrators.  Damn fast and near invisible when cloaked.  One got behind her, managed to get a blade to her shoulder area.  Might have been low enough to catch her lung … I just don’t know.  Dr. Chakwas is working on her right now.”  
  
Hackett nodded solemnly.  “And the mission objective?” he asked almost as an afterthought.  
  
Kaidan nodded.  Of course the admiral would ask about that.  “Achieved,” Kaidan replied.    
  
“I see.”  The admiral hesitated before concluding, “Send me the report when you can.  And keep me updated, major.”  
  
Kaidan stiffened and saluted.  The admiral’s image had disappeared before Kaidan could finish uttering, “Yes, sir.”  Debriefing completed, he turned on his heel and exited the war room.

* * *

  
  
“Major?”  
  
Startled into a state of semi-wakefulness, Kaidan both felt the sharpness of his breath as he inhaled and hears the raspiness of it at the same time.  When had he fallen asleep?  For how long?  Hand lifting to rub at tired eyes, he turned towards the sound of the voice.  “Doctor?”  
  
Karin Chakwas gave him a soft smile of compassion.  “Major, you need to go get some proper rest.  You’ll not find that in that chair you’re trying your best to not fall out of.”  
  
He pulled in a deep breath, feeling his lungs expand a bit, the sensation causing his senses to become more alert.  “I’m fine, doctor,” he muttered, his eyes glancing to his left.  “How is she?”  
  
Dr. Chakwas crossed her arms and gave him a hard look.  “Major Alenko, do not make me pull rank on you,” she threatened.  
  
Kaidan kept his eyes upon Shepard’s sleeping form, but his words were for the doctor.  “Karin, I am not leaving her behind.  Not again.”  
  
Sighing, Chakwas relented and replied to his question.  “Shepard will be fine, Kaidan.  She’s lot a lot of blood, and the blade did catch her lung, but we got to it in time.  You saw to that.  Right now she just needs time and plenty of rest.”    
  
Kaidan’s snort was one of disbelief.  “That might be the bigger battle in itself.”  
  
The doctor chuckled softly.  Laying a hand on his shoulder for a moment, she squeezed gently.  “Indeed.  By the way, good work out there today.”  Her smile softened just a bit.  “You’ve always been pretty good with the first aid.”  
  
Kaidan shrugged, glancing over his shoulder at her.  “I had a good teacher,” he replied.  What seemed like a lifetime ago, back on the SR1, he’d asked the doctor for additional first aid training, for times out on the battlefield when it might mean the difference between life and death.  Jenkins’ death had hit them all hard at the time, followed by Shepard’s encounter with the Prothean beacon.  Afterwards, Kaidan had just taken a step or two further in his training to try to keep it from happening again.  Today had been one of those times it had mattered and paid off.  
  
“Well, if you’re determined to stay here with her, major, I’m going to go and get myself something to eat.  Would you like me to bring you anything?”  
  
Kaidan shook his head, carefully slipping a hand into Shepard’s.  “Nah, I’m good for now thanks.  Maybe later.”  He hoped the last would keep her from nagging on him about eating.   
  
After the doctor’s departure, Kaidan settled himself more comfortably on the chair, never releasing his hold on Shepard’s hand.  Leaning forward so his arms could lie upon the edge of the bed, he lifted her hand so that the back of it could brush against his cheek.  There was warmth there.  He could feel the life still inside her.  Carefully, he turned his head and brushed his lips against her skin.  It frightened him seeing her like this.  Remembering the last time he’d watched her die, or at least watching the _Normandy_ go down and knowing she was inside at the time.  Knowing what followed.  They were well beyond that now, thankfully, but it had taken a long time for them to get to someplace that was … comfortable for the both of them again.    
  
But probably what frightened him most were the words that came to mind as he watched her lying before him now, chest rising and falling with each breath, understanding how very close she had come to dying again out there today.  For a moment, he was taken back in time, a memory of their days together on the SR1 returning.  A few of weeks before her ‘death,’ just after being sent out to find the last of the geth.  They’d been lying in bed together, talking, still learning about each other.  Small things, yet important.  As they’d talked, memories of Ashley had returned and the discussion had turned to their friend.  Eventually it had slipped into a discussion of poetry due to Ashley’s enjoyment of it, and Kaidan had been surprised when Shepard had retrieved a datapad from her desk.  

* * *

  
  
_“Look at this,” she told him as she handed over the pad._   
  
_He frowned.  “What …?”_   
  
_“Just read it.  Aloud, if you like,” she replied while slipping back beneath the covers beside him.  “Or not.  Your choice.”_   
  
_As she sidled up against him, he gave her a quick look and decided that it had been a request, so he proceeded to do just that._   
  
_“O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;_   
_The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;_   
_The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,_   
_While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:_   
_But O heart! heart! heart!_   
_O the bleeding drops of red,_   
_Where on the deck my Captain lies,_   
_Fallen cold and dead._   
  
_“O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;_   
_Rise up--for you the flag is flung--for you the bugle trills;_   
_For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths--for you the shores a-crowding;_   
_For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;_   
_Here Captain! dear father!_   
_This arm beneath your head;_   
_It is some dream that on the deck,_   
_You've fallen cold and dead._   
  
_“My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;_   
_My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;_   
_The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;_   
_From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;_   
_Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!_   
_But I, with mournful tread,_   
_Walk the deck my Captain lies,_   
_Fallen cold and dead.”_   
  
_Kaidan set the datapad down between them, turning to face her.  “Shepard -”  He was surprised by the strength of his feelings in response to the poem._   
  
_Shepard lifted her fingers to his lips to silence him.  “Kaidan, I need you to know, to understand,” she told him.  “Wherever this takes us,” she waved her hand around as if indicating the ship around them, “I will do whatever it takes.  It’s what kept me alive on Mindoir until that Alliance patrol found me.  It’s what helped me to survive Akuze.  It’s born and bred into me, saw me through N7 training and made me who I am today.”_   
  
_Shuddering slightly, he leaned over to kiss her.  “I know,” he finally replied when he felt his voice wouldn’t crack.  And thing was, he did.  That she would lead them all, give of herself first, had never been in question.  But that didn’t keep it from frightening the hell out of him in the process._

* * *

  
  
It was difficult to tell which reached her first, the pain or the cold, but whichever it was had her eyes flying open, breath sucking into her lungs harshly as she bolted upright, groaning.  She felt the warmth and strength first, wrapped around her hand, and it gave her an anchor as she struggled to bring vision into focus.  She could hear a voice, too, murmuring her name, telling her she was alright, urging her to relax and lie back.  She knew that voice ….  
  
“K-kaidan?”  
  
“Yes.”    
  
Shepard blinked a few times, felt his other hand coming up to support her back while he still urged her to lie still.  She tried to focus on evening out her breathing, but the pain in the process was such that she could only groan and turn on her side, eyes closing tightly, body curling into a fetal position.  Panting softly, she moaned, “Hurts ….”  
  
His voice became her anchor then as he agreed with her, acknowledging her plight.  She heard him call for the doctor, but she couldn’t be bothered to look.  A moment later, she felt a slight pinch in her arm.  Moments after that, the worst edge of the pain began to fade.  No longer the sharp edge of a blade, but ….   _Blade._  Eyes snapping open, she searched for and found Kaidan’s eyes.  “You,” she managed after a moment, “Liara …?”  
  
“We’re fine,” he assured her.  “You were the one injured this time.”  
  
She nodded once, took a tentative deep breath, and when she was able to do so without the pain blinding her, she finally began to relax and uncurl her frame, eventually laying back on the bed.  “What …?”  Eyes narrowing, she tried to recall the events leading to this point.  All she could remember was a sharp, piercing blow from behind ….  
  
“A Cerberus phantom,” Kaidan explained.  “Came out of nowhere, caught your shoulder.  Dr. Chakwas said it nicked your lung, too.  A few days of treatment and you should be back to normal, she says.”  She felt his hand tighten briefly around hers then, and she lifted her eyes to meet his.  “It was close,” he added softly a moment later.  
  
Shepard sighed and tightened her hand around his.  “Not close enough,” she replied, a small smile turning at her lips.  She kept her eyes upon his, realizing what he’d probably just been through.  They’d come a long way since Horizon.  She’d even told him, to a point, about the flight from Mars to the Citadel after he’d been injured.  And while they were pretty certain they had things ‘fixed’ between them now, there were still certain insecurities present.  Some that were years old, from long before Horizon.    
  
Kaidan leaned over to give her a quick but gentle kiss.  Her lips still tingling as he pulled back, Shepard’s smile widened a bit more.  “Always knew you were a first rate medic,” she murmured teasingly.  “Better than any drug.”  
  
Kaidan chuckled.  “Thanks, I think,” came the reply, but it was accompanied by a small smile and that was good enough for her.    
  
Tightening her hand around his, Shepard shifted to her side just a bit more so she could face him.  Sighing softly, she ignored the obvious and fell back upon something he’d mentioned.  “A few days, huh?”  
  
He nodded.  “Yeah.  Doc says you need to take it easy.  Rest up.”  
  
Shepard couldn’t resist a chuckled.  “She does realize there’s a war on, right?” she teased.    
  
“I am nothing if not hopeful that you will one day follow my advice, Commander,” Dr. Chakwas’ voice rang out from the far side of the medical bay.  
  
“‘Hope springs eternal,’ doctor,” Shepard called back, though there was a hint of amusement in her tone.  Turning her focus back to Kaidan, she saw an intense gleam in his eyes.  “What?” she asked.  
  
“We’re heading to the Citadel,” he told her.  “You’re going to take that time to rest, like you should.”  Shepard blinked for a moment then opened her mouth to protest, but he was quicker.  “Hackett’s orders.”  
  
That shut her mouth for a moment.  “Hackett?  You told him?”  
  
Kaidan’s eyebrow arched.  “Do you honestly think he wouldn’t be able to figure it out when I had to debrief him instead of you?” he countered.  
  
Sighing, Shepard had to admit he had her there.  “Right.  Fine.  So, Citadel.  Then what?”  She saw his smile return then, a bit wider than before and definitely more mischievous.  “Oookay?”  
  
“Rest,” he insisted, his hand tightening briefly before loosening again.  “You’re going to get rest.  At your apartment.  We’ll just sit around and relax.  Music, movies, books … whatever.”  He sighed softly, she noticed, before bringing the back of her hand to rest against his cheek.  “I’ll take whatever I can get with you, _Captain_ ,” he murmured.    
  
And suddenly, Shepard knew.  She could see the unvoiced concerns and fears in his eyes, almost felt it in his touch.  But the one thing she was certain of was that he would not speak of them to her.  And he was too stubborn by half to be forced into it.  Relenting just a bit, she nodded.  “Alright, Kaidan,” she promised.  “We’ll take the time to rest and relax.”  And maybe a little bit more.  She’d be damned if they’d stay holed up in the apartment for the entire time.  


	18. For the Long Haul

From the moment she regained consciousness on board the shuttle, he’d been keeping a close eye on her.  Her body temperature had been so damned cold, colder than the dead in some ways, and it had scared the hell out of him.  He’d already lost her once for two years.  He didn’t want to go through _that_ hell again.  But then she started coughing, moving, breathing on her own and proving she was still alive so he couldn’t complain … much.  What it did, however, was bring home to him yet again just what sort of chances she was taking with her personal safety … would _have_ to take in order to end this damned war.  It was enough to make him cringe.  Would he be able to handle it?  Watching her risk life and limb each time they went out on a mission?  Shepard was not the type to hold back from doing something dangerous certainly, and when it came right down to it, her nature had her risking herself over the lives of her crew without hesitation or question.  It was something he’d been trying to come to terms with almost since they’d first met more than three years before.  That first mission on Eden Prime certainly had only reinforced it.  He could remember all too clearly the anxiety and concern he’d felt when Shepard had collapsed after her encounter with the Prothean beacon.  And from there, the instances had just added up one upon another.  A certain level of risk was expected on each mission, but he couldn’t help but wonder with no undue concern if Shepard was beginning to believe that every mission she led was Akuze all over again ….  
  
Upon their return to the _Normandy_ , he’d watched her stumble out of the shuttle, waving off concern from Javik and Cortez, insisting she was fine other than a headache.  Kaidan knew where she was headed.  First thing after every mission, she went to debrief with Admiral Hackett or Admiral Anderson.  And while Kaidan believed that she could have at least stopped at the med bay along the way to have Dr. Chakwas give her a quick look over or at least get something for the headache, he knew she wouldn’t do it.  Shepard’s level of tolerance for medical attention for herself was about as well known as her lack of skill on the dance floor.    
  
With her attention elsewhere for the time being, though, it gave him a chance to do several things that required his attention.  First, he removed and checked over his armor.  There’d been a couple of times during that last mission where he’d thought he’d at least heard something grazing the metal or catching at the fabric.  But after thorough inspection, he found there was no substantial damage and so he stowed it away.  Next, Kaidan inspected and cleaned his weapons, again, routine procedure, before stowing them away until the next mission.  Finally, after all of his gear was put away, he headed up to the crew deck to shower and change.  That would give Shepard time to do the same.  It would also give him additional opportunity in which to find a way to deal with his concerns.  Only _then_ would he approach her.  
  
She answered the door immediately, almost as if she’d been expecting him.  Wrapped in a towel, her hair still lying heavily against her back, damp with moisture.  Their eyes met and held for a long moment before she stepped aside and gestured him into the room which he gladly accepted.  But before a word between them could be spoken, they were turning towards and reaching for the other, arms wrapping tightly, lips meeting in heated kisses that only hinted at deeper concerns.    
  
“Shepard -”  
  
She lifted her hand and covered his mouth with her fingers, leaning in just a bit to press her forehead against his cheek.  “Kaidan, don’t,” she murmured almost pleadingly.  And in that moment, Kaidan realized that, despite Shepard’s professional demeanor (which he did admit was easier for her to maintain on occasion than it was for him sometimes), she seemed to understand what it was that he was going through each time they went out on a mission.  “I know.  And, I’m sorry.”  
  
His hand lifting to tuck some loose strands of hair behind her ear, he leaned down just a bit further so he could rub his nose against hers.  “You scare the hell out of me with those risky stunts,” he murmured thickly, his fingertip stroking the outer edge of her ear.  
  
“Kaidan -” she started, but he cut her off.  
  
“But I guess it’s also part of what I love about you,” he concluded before she could finish protesting.  He had to let her know … this he couldn’t hold in any longer.  She needed to understand.  
  
Sighing, Shepard nodded, her arms moving around his waist to hold him close.  He did the same, his arms tightening around her.  “I can’t lose you again,” he whispered before guiding her back a few steps, trapping her between his body and the wall.    
  
Shepard tilted her head so she could see his eyes.  “Kaidan, I’ll always be with you,” she promised, her hand lifting to stroke his cheek.  “You can’t lose me unless you set me aside.”  Barely had she finished speaking before his lips were on hers, devouring her as much as anything.  Somewhere in the process, the towel loosed and fell to the floor, giving his hands the opportunity to begin roaming.  It was an invitation he could not refuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This was intended to be a part of something longer, but the muses decided it sounded better stopping here. For ease of reference, this takes place just after Leviathan is completed.


	19. Life's a Beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this one since before Christmas (ie: before Citadel DLC came out).

“I’m telling you, Kaidan, get her out of here for an afternoon.  For a few hours even.  Away from the stresses of the job, away from ‘one more thing.’  She’s wearing herself out and we all know it.”  
  
Kaidan sighed.  Garrus was right, no doubt about it.  But how exactly was he to distract her?  To get her to stop thinking of all that needed to be done, still?  “Any ideas?” he asked while glancing at the turian.  “And I mean good ones, because you know as well as I do just how stubborn she can be.”  It had been all he could do just to get her to sit down for a birthday dinner at _Apollo’s_ with him just weeks before.  
  
Garrus snorted.  “Heh, yeah,” he muttered in agreement before narrowing his eyes to think.  It didn’t take long for an idea to form.  Chuckling softly, he inquired, “How are you at swimming?”  
  
Kaidan blinked.  “Swimming?” he echoed in confusion.  When the turian nodded, he shrugged.  “Had to take courses as a part of basic training,” he explained, “but I can do it well enough on my own I guess.  Why?”  
  
Garrus recounted his recent attempt to distract Shepard.  “She once said something about taking a dive in the pool at the Presidium.  Had to admit, I was more startled by the idea at the time than anything.”  He gave Kaidan a sardonic look.  “Turians don’t swim well,” he added.  “But it didn’t occur to me until later that it could be something maybe she was wanting to do?”  
  
Kaidan’s eyes narrowed as he thought on the idea for a moment.  “Alright … sounds like a good idea but for one thing: Where to take her?  Any of the more tropical planets we could visit are overrun by the Reapers these days, and last time I checked, the lake on the Presidium is off limits.”  
  
Chuckling again, Garrus smiled.  At least, Kaidan thought it was a smile.  It was nearly impossible to read a facial expression on a turian.  “Leave that to me,” he advised.  “I know of a place; survived Sovereign’s attack.  C-Sec took control of it years ago and never relinquished it.  I’ll check with Bailey to see if I can get you permission to use it for an afternoon.”  
  
Kaidan eyed Garrus closely for a moment.  He opened his mouth to ask a question, but then quickly reversed himself, muttering, “Never mind … just never mind.  I don’t think I want to know,” before turning to leave.  The last thing he heard was Garrus’ chuckling heartily behind him.

* * *

  
  
“Liara, this is ridiculous!”  To her credit, the asari did not laugh, but Shepard could see her lips twitching at the corners.  Eyes narrowing, the commander added, “If you think I’m going to -”  
  
A monotonic voice broke her ranting off.  “Commander, I believe Dr. T’Soni’s intentions are to -”  
  
“Thank you, Glyph,” Liara cut in quickly, struggling to keep the smile from her tone but knowing she was failing miserably, “but I don’t believe the commander is seriously arguing the point.”  Turning to face Shepard, Liara gave her friend a knowing look.  “Is she?”  
  
Shepard tossed her hands in the air in exasperation and turned to leave her friends quarters.  “I never get to win any arguments with you … or surprise you … or -”  
  
Liara chuckled.  “Go and have a bit of fun, Shepard.  You need a break - you know it and we know it.  No one will begrudge you that.”  Crossing to the doorway, Liara caught Shepard’s arm and held until their eyes met.  “No one else can take us where we need to go, Shepard.  You are as important to this as we all are.  Take the time … relax ….  The war will still be here a few hours from now and you need to be well rested to take it on face to face again.”  
  
Sighing, Shepard reluctantly had to admit Liara had a point.  “Fine.  Send me the navpoint and I’ll go for a while if only to take refuge from your nagging.”  
  
Liara’s grin broke free then.  “Good,” she replied, pushing a few buttons on her omni-tool to send Shepard the coordinates.  “Garrus and I will make certain that -”  
  
Shepard managed a laugh.  “That Joker won’t start any suicide missions?” she finished, echoing the turian’s words to her some weeks before after the battle with the Reaper on Tuchanka.    
  
Liara laughed with her.  “Something like that, yes.”  
  
Shepard offered the asari a warm smile.  “Alright.  I will be back in a while then.”  As she walked away, she called back over her shoulder, “Don’t be thinking this means you’ll always be getting your way in these discussions!”  Thankfully, the door closed before she could hear Liara’s amused laughter breaking free.  
  
A brief stop by her cabin before disembarking had Shepard having second thoughts about her decision, however.  The one thing lacking in her current wardrobe (if it could be called that with all of the variations on a military uniform crowding her closet) was a swimsuit of any kind.  But a promise was a promise and Shepard hated to go back on her word, so she’d grabbed the rest of her kit, tossed it into a pack and headed onto the Citadel, her first destination being the Presidium in the hopes of finding a shop that might have something appropriate.  Amazingly, she found a shop still selling human clothing, and they did have some suits in stock, though they were not quite what she had expected.  Had Shepard been the least bit uneasy about this whole plan she might have backed out of the agreement then and there, but again she chose not to and simply purchased the one suit that was available in her size.  At least the color was nice.  A deep burgundy with black edging.  
  
She arrived at the coordinates Liara had given her a short while later, surprised to find it as secluded a location as it was.  Space on the Citadel was at a premium and this one certainly couldn’t have come cheap.  From what Liara had told her, it was the former home of some ambassador to the Citadel who had fallen into the Council’s bad graces years before.  Though a part of her was curious about the history behind the place, Shepard let it go for the moment.  She had the afternoon to use the site and she intended to do so because somehow, she knew that if she didn’t, Liara would find out and then give her hell the moment she set foot back on the _Normandy_ ….  
  
Passing through the security checkpoint at the main door, Shepard entered the lodge area, found a room to change and then exited out the back of the building.  Once there, she came upon an open space near the edge of the lake and set her things aside before turning to eye the area.  Fenced in.  Secluded.  Peaceful, even.  She smiled slightly in relief.  At least no one would have to witness her in this ridiculous excuse for a swimsuit.  She glanced down at the two pieced thing that the clerk had _assured_ her was quite respectable, but had her slightly on edge.  Not that she spent much time over the years on beaches or anything … she just preferred that one-piece style that she’d had during basic training.  This one just seemed so … bare.  Or maybe it was because the barest remnants of so many of her scars would be visible.  Or maybe ….  
  
Shaking off the remainder of her annoyance to this end, Shepard stepped close to the water’s edge, dipped her toes in to evaluate the temperature, and then moved further in.  It wasn’t bad.  Not too warm, not too cold.  She sighed softly, James’ comments after their first visit to the Presidium so many weeks before coming back.  It look too perfect.  This situation certainly seemed to reflect that as well.  Shaking the thoughts aside, she took a slightly larger step into the water before diving in.  

* * *

  
  
Kaidan had been on the opposite side of the lodge changing when Shepard arrived, but he’d seen her enter the building.  And while she was changing, he was finished retrieving a few things he had brought along to surprise her.  It wasn’t much, but a bottle of wine, some sandwiches from one of the cafes still operating on the Citadel and a few other items, but it made for what he hoped would be an enjoyable picnic.    
  
He heard the doors at the back of the lodge closing as he made his way in that direction and soon came to the conclusion that Shepard had beaten him out of doors.  Shaking his head in silent amusement, he exited as well and managed to look over just in time to watch her enter the water with a fluid grace that would make anyone envious.  Did she have any idea what that did to someone like him?   _Probably not,_ he figured.  Besides, she didn’t even know he was standing there.  
  
While she continued her swim, Kaidan moved over to where she had set her things, hoping she would be distracted enough by the water to allow him a chance to get things set up.  It didn’t take long at all, and by the time he turned back to face the water again, she was approaching the shore.  Smile planted firmly on his face, he noticed the exact moment when she realized she was not alone, her eyes widening in shock first, and then settling into something akin to bemusement.  But to her credit, her stride did not falter.  Kaidan supposed that had more to do with her self-assurance as an N7 than anything else.    
  
“What’s brought you here?” she asked as she neared, reaching for her towel and drying off her face.  “I was under the impression that I’d have the place to myself.”  
  
Kaidan actually felt a bit of heat stinging at his cheeks and ears.  Stepping to the side and gesturing with a wide sweep of his arm, he admitted, “To be honest, it was a setup.”    
  
Shepard chuckled as she set her towel aside.  “I sort of figured that out, Kaidan,” she teased before leaning over to kiss his cheek.  “But thank you.”  
  
It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her that Liara and Garrus had more to do with this than he did, but he decided against it for the time being.  After all, the intent was to get her to relax, and she certainly seemed to be doing that.    
  
Seating themselves, Kaidan handed her a glass of wine before turning to serve up the rest.  Shepard took the glass, tasted it and smiled.  “Nice,” she told him.  Then with a curious glance around them, she added, “So … what else do you have in store?”  
  
He handed her a plate of food then.  “Oh, a little bit of this and that,” he returned.  “More swimming.  Whatever you want.”  
  
Shepard’s brow arched.  “Whatever I want, hmm?” she echoed.  
  
They took their time eating, talking about simple things from their pasts.  After awhile they decided to swim some more and, as he had before, Kaidan found himself mesmerized watching as Shepard dove into the water.  When she resurfaced a short distance away, he regarded her in wonder, asking, “Is there anything you can’t do well?”  
  
His words, though, caught her off guard, and she nearly lost focus on her swimming.  Moving back towards him and rising up on her feet, she approached slowly.  When she stood right before him, she looked up and held his gaze.  “Us,” she said quietly, her voice filled with regret.  
  
Kaidan moved quickly, grasping her hand, pulling it so he could brush a kiss along her knuckles.  “No,” he insisted immediately, desperate almost to reassure her.  “That wasn’t only you, that was me - both of us.  But we’ve learned from it, right?”  
  
Shepard nodded.  “I can’t - _won’t_ \- take back my choices,” she told him.    
  
He nodded.  “And I would never ask you to,” he returned softly.  “Not now.”  
  
They stood there in silence for a few minutes, each trying to find a way to get the afternoon back to something a bit more comfortable for the both of them, when Kaidan happened to catch a glimpse of a mark peeking out from the corner of her swimming top.  Reacting on instinct, Kaidan began tracing the design there that marked her skin.  The area was still slightly red, proving that it had been a recent decision.  “What’s this?” he asked, noticing as his fingers moved she seemed to shudder in reaction.  Definitely recent.  
  
Shepard sighed, her hand lifting to cover his, forcing his fingers to stop their movements.  “They’re called tattoos,” she teased, wondering if she might convince him to drop the subject.  The flat stare he gave her then mixed with the pursed lips had her chuckling though.  “Fine.  Fine.  The last time we were here.  I met up with Jack over at the Armax arena.  After a few rounds, we decided to go out for dinner.  Alcohol was involved and the next thing I knew, she had me in a tattoo parlor.”  
  
Kaidan’s laughter began to bubble up as he removed her hand and his so that he could get a better look.  That had been a couple weeks ago?  Less?  “And the design?” he asked.  It looked vaguely familiar.    
  
Shepard gave him a warm smile.  “It’s the celtic symbol for eternal life,” she explained.  “Jack had other ideas, as I recall, but I was insistent.  This was the one I wanted.”    
  
Kaidan nodded, his fingers moving to trace the design once more, pushing the fabric of the suit aside so he could see the entire tattoo.  “Never ending.”  
  
She nodded.  “Exactly.”  She flashed him a cheeky smile.  “The whole ‘coming back from the dead’ thing sort of … well ….”  
  
Kaidan smiled back at her, finally at peace with the past.  “Yeah,” he agreed.  “I can see that.  For what it’s worth,” he added a moment later, “I like it.”  
  
Shepard chuckled.  “So then,” she teased, wondering if perhaps the wine was finally getting to her just a bit, “you like your girls inked, do you?”  
  
Kaidan grinned slyly at her as he murmured, “Mmmhmm,” closing the distance between them.  In a sudden move, he scooped her up in his arms and took a few more steps forward, deeper into the water until it was just above his knees.  
  
“Kaidan!” Shepard screeched, arms flying around his neck.  “Don’t you dare!”  
  
“Me?” he challenged in mock indignation.  “Who is putting me on the spot?  I have to retaliate somehow, don’t I?”  
  
Her arms tightened.  Laughing despite herself as he began a swaying motion to gain momentum, she pleaded, “Don’t!”  
  
Their eyes met and held for a long moment.  “What will you give me if I don’t?”  
  
Reacting on instinct, Shepard leaned forward, pressing her lips tight against his.  The slow, sharp sweetness of the kiss was in stark contrast to the desperation of her current situation, but Shepard did find it somewhat calming.  Grounding.  Solid.  She shifted just a bit, arms still tight around his shoulders, but she felt his hold adjust to her movements until he allowed her to drop to her feet, but still remaining within his embrace, leaning against him.  When she felt his hands begin moving along her back, Shepard lowered her hands to grasp at his upper arms, breaking the kiss reluctantly.  Turning slightly, pressing her hips against his, her forehead resting against his shoulder, she groaned softly.  “Kaidan?” she whimpered, hands drawing down his arms until she could tighten them around his forearms.  
  
Kaidan couldn’t hold back a groan in reaction.  Damn!  The things she could do to him with just a kiss!  He felt her hands tighten around his wrists, and whispered her name in return.  But as he found her gaze and met it, he instantly realized it had been a ploy.  There was a spark of playful mischief behind the blue and in less time than it took to blink, he realized his mistake.  He’d allowed himself to think of her as simply a woman, forgetting how well trained she was, why _she_ was the reason they would win this war.  “Shep -”  
  
Shepard laughed delightedly as she moved a leg between his, gave his wrists a strong tug and turned, flipping him over her shoulder in a manner similar to the moves she used with Vega in the past.  He landed on his back, with a huge splash.  She didn’t mind the fact that she was splashed in the process, but as he sputtered and flailed about for a moment while recovering from the unexpectedness of it all, Shepard grinned at him.  “Something you were trying to say, Major?” she asked, amusement filling her tone.    
  
Kaidan managed to sit up enough to keep from drowning in the shallow water, but he was by no means ready to let this go just yet.  Wiping the moisture from his eyes and glancing up at her, though, he couldn’t help but notice that she seemed to be relaxed.  Really, completely relaxed.  In a way he had not seen since … well, since back before they had started chasing Saren across the galaxy over three years before.  Well, if nothing else came of this afternoon, at least he would know that the main objective of it had been achieved.  His eyes met hers then, narrowing as he noted she was still just a bit on the gleeful side of taunting.  Drawing his knees up, he casually draped his arms around them.  “Perhaps,” he admitted, attempting to mask his next move by portraying himself in a slightly dejected manner.  
  
Shepard had to admit she was taking great delight in having deceived him.  It was his own fault, really.  He should have remembered her skills, after all.  It wasn’t her fault that -  
  
Kaidan kept his eyes on hers, noted when she seemed just the littlest bit distracted and only then did he pounce.  Certainly not the best of his biotic moves, his abilities with pull were sufficient enough for his purposes.  In a quick move, one so fast that he could tell Shepard hadn’t expected it by the way her eyes flared when she saw what was happening, Kaidan gathered the necessary energy, extended it towards her, and with a quick tugging motion, pulled her towards him.  Using the momentum from his arm, Kaidan jumped to his feet and caught her securely in his arms as she neared him.  Grinning down at her, watching as the shock turned to understanding and then into a smile of appreciation, he murmured huskily, “You were saying, Commander?”  
  
Shepard chuckled as she gave in, leaning against him when he caught her, her delight at having a free moment to just be playful eating away at the weeks and months of stress, wear and tear.  Leaning up on her toes, Shepard kissed the side of his cheek.  “I think I was saying that maybe we should move back to dry land,” she responded.  “Don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to work up quite an … appetite.”  
  
It took every ounce of willpower he had for Kaidan not to lift her over his shoulder and just head back up to the lodge.  Though he had to wonder if she was indeed doing this on purpose, just to get him to react, he knew that there was indeed more to it.  Taking her hand firmly in his own, he turned and led her out of the water, back up to the shore where they’d left the food and drink.  A quick glance over at her showed the light of playful amusement and other potential distractions that lay ahead of them the rest of the afternoon.  He had to admit, but maybe only later and only one time out loud, that Garrus’ idea of taking Shepard for a swim certainly had been a good one.


	20. Out of the Frying Pan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ME1 era. Inspired by a comment Shepard can make in the Citadel DLC combined with an idea I've had for a while now.

“Shepard, get over here.  You need to learn how to cook.”  
  
Shepard glanced up from the datapad she was reading, eyes meeting his across the room.  “Nichols, you’re out of your ever loving mind,” she muttered.  Behind her, she heard Walters snickering.  Ignoring them both, she turned her attention back to her datapad.  
  
“Seriously,” Nichols continued as he reached for several ingredients out of the fridge.  “Eating that swill they serve in the cafeteria twenty-four-seven is bad for morale.  You need to cook _real_ food.  Something with a bit of … bite to it.”  
  
“C’mon, Shepard,” Walters prodded.  “It’ll shut him up and amuse me in the process.”  
  
Shepard snorted.  “What if I’m not interested in amusing you?” she countered easily.    
  
“I could pull rank on you, you know,” the newly promoted Major reminded her.    
  
Shepard glanced over at her roommate.  “N7 trumps Major any day, you know that,” Shepard retorted, fierce pride in her designation obvious.    
  
“Why don’t you both stop your posturing and get your skinny asses over here and learn how to cook?” Nichols shouted across the room.  “Then one of you can grab me a beer while you’re at it ….”  
  
“Well, why didn’t you say alcohol was involved?” Walters tossed back, rising to cross the room.  “Come on, Shepard.  It’ll take us both to keep him in line.”  
  
“Can’t,” Shepard replied distractedly, head still bowed as she read through the datapad in her hands.    
  
“What’s with her?” Walters asked Nichols while pulling three beers from the fridge and handing him one.  She glanced at the counter top and smiled.  Shrimp.  Her favorite.    
  
“New assignment,” Nichols mumbled.  “Got her new orders this afternoon.  It’s official - they’re taking out that new prototype being built.  That joint human-turian one.”  
  
Walters looked stunned.  “Seriously?” she breathed.  “Damn!  That’ll look good on her jacket.  When does she have to leave?”  
  
“Three days,” Shepard called out from across the room.  Rising, she moved into the kitchen and took the proffered beer from Walters.  Popping the top, she tipped the bottle towards her friends in salute.  “Just reading up on the ship, it’s crew, that sort of thing.  They’re still filling some positions, but we’re mostly ready.”  She grinned.  “Helps that I’ve been serving with Anderson for the better part of the past year, too.  Makes it easier to grab who we want from the old crew.”  
  
“Gratz, my friend!” Walters saluted her before taking a drink.  “Now we’ll have to celebrate.  How about tomorrow night?  Dinner out.”  She glanced at Nichols who nodded.  “Our treat.  And we’ll even bring a friend for you.”    
  
Shepard rolled her eyes.  “One last try at setting me up before I leave?” she challenged before returning to the sofa.  “Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.  You remember how that went the last time you tried that?  Because, I certainly do, and I’ve no desire for a repeat performance.”  
  
Walters grinned over at Shepard.  “Nah, this one’s different,” she insisted.  “He’s a nice guy.  Really!  Career marine.  Biotic.  And very smart.  Hell, he’s _my_ go to with tech questions.  Seriously!” she added when Shepard looked doubtful.  Walters had been at the head of her sentinel class in training.  “He makes me look like a dumbass at times.”  
  
“Not all that difficult to do,” Nichols jibed while surreptitiously moving the knives out of her reach.    
  
Shepard laughed as Walters glared daggers at Nichols.  “We’ll see,” she replied.  “No promises.  I have to go meet with Anderson in the morning.  Could be he’ll want me on the ship ASAP.  If so, I’ll have to take a raincheck on your Mr. Dreamboat.”  
  
Walters laughed.  “That’s Lieutenant Dreamboat, to you.  But he’s worth it, Shepard.  Trust me.  He’s a sweetheart.  Anyway, just let me know and I’ll get it set up.”  
  
By that point, though, Shepard had tuned the pair of them out once more as her eyes scanned over the latest information Anderson had sent her.  She recognized a few of the names, had served with a couple of them before, but for the most part the crew was unfamiliar to her.  But there were three new names at the bottom of the list that caught her eye.  Flagged as new information, Shepard realized that Anderson must have just forwarded them over.  She smiled to herself.  The man had always struck her as a workaholic.  Nice to have some things in common with your commanding officer.  
  
Dr. Karin Chakwas, whom Shepard had served with previously, would be on this journey it seemed.  Shepard nodded and smiled at that.  She knew the doctor to be one of the best.  She was glad Chakwas would be there, if only because she knew without a doubt she could trust the woman’s skill and judgement.    
  
Then there was this pilot, a Flight Lieutenant by the name of Jeff “Joker” Moreau.  The name was unfamiliar to Shepard, but his nickname caught her attention.  She knew there were two basic reasons someone got a nickname.  Either you were the perfect example of it, or you were just the opposite.  She couldn’t help but wonder what this man’s story was.    
  
And last but not least, it appeared Anderson had found them a staff lieutenant.  Kaidan Alenko.  Seemed to be experienced enough, extensive training, high tech abilities, strong biotics and more than just basic medical training.    
  
Shepard nodded to herself and jotted down a few notes on another datapad nearby, things to run by Anderson in the morning when she met with him.  The crew was beginning to shape up.  Hopefully, that meant that this initial training run would go smoothly enough to let them work all the kinks out before they were tossed into the proverbial ‘fire’ throughout the rest of the galaxy.    
  
“Shepard, get your ass over here so I can at least show you how to make garlic shrimp!” Nichols ordered.  “Everyone needs at least one good recipe in their repertoire.”  
  
Shepard chuckled and set her datapads aside for the time being while grabbing her beer.  “Fine, fine,” she muttered in mock consternation as she slipped into the chair opposite the counter from him.  “But _you_ will be the one who’s sorry for it!”  


	21. Technical Difficulties

  
  
  
Shepard sat back in her chair, arms crossed, glaring harshly at the monitor before her, the jumping and wavering image enough to sour her mood considerably.  Reaching over, she pressed the intercom button with vigor … and cursed softly as her finger slipped, smashing roughly against the key.  “Traynor?”  
  
“Yes, Commander?” the specialist’s voice came back immediately.  
  
“Is Major Alenko back onboard?”  
  
There was a pause in which Shepard knew Traynor was quickly checking her data.  They were docked at the Citadel, after all.  Kaidan _was_ a Council Spectre.  Shepard herself had only just returned a short while ago from the multitude of errands she’d had to run during this quick stopover.  “He’s in the shuttle bay with Lieutenant Vega, Commander.”  
  
Shepard hesitated as her initial irritation gave way to a sort of embarrassed irritation.  Surely she could figure this out on her own, right?  After all, in basic they’d been trained on how to fix stuff like this - the simple problems … years before … before the Reapers started causing problems and her attention had been turned towards ….     
  
 _Shit._    
  
“Could you ask him to come up to my cabin when he has a moment, Traynor?  My monitor’s on the fritz again.”   _There’s nothing wrong with admitting defeat in THIS battle, is there …?  Bigger fish to fry and all that?_  
  
“Yes, ma’am.”  
  
Just for a second, right before Traynor disconnected, Shepard thought she’d heard a tinge of laughter in the woman’s tone.  Frowning, Shepard sat back in her chair for a moment and thought on this.  It wasn’t the first time this particular technical issue had arisen.  Hell, it actually dated back to when she’d first gained access to the ship from Cerberus.  She’d tried to deal with it herself then, her own technical skills limited but adequate enough for the challenge at the time.  By the end of that run, though, she’d been calling on assistance from both Garrus and Kasumi.  That it still existed was clear evidence that it had not been at the top of the priority list for Alliance retrofits (though the thought of Anderson suffering through them was pretty much unimaginable).  Sighing heavily in resignation because there simply wasn’t anything she could do about it at this point, Shepard rose and descended to the lower part of the cabin.  There wasn’t much of _anything_ she could do really until the thing was fixed, so she decided to listen to some music instead.    
  
That, at least, was something easy for her to do.  Laying back on the bed, eyes closed, comforting notes and rhythms floating around her soothingly.  New songs, old songs, whatever.  She’d been surprised the first time she’d turned it on to find that her playlist from her time with Cerberus was still available.  On the other hand, EDI had successfully disguised herself as a VI, so perhaps she’d manage to hide Shepard’s music too?  Whatever the case, it had been one bright spot early on in the war, when so many other things were turning to hell in a handbasket.  For that matter, listening to it Shepard could almost believe there was no war, no Reapers breathing down the back of her neck out to harvest her entire species as well as the rest of the ones scattered around the galaxy ….    
  
Shepard lost track of how many songs played through before she heard the knock at her door.   “It’s open,” she called out as she sighed, sitting up and rising from the bed.  She’d finally gotten comfortable, relaxed enough to the point of being able to stare up out the window at the broad expanse of the universe as it passed overhead.  It had taken a long time for her to get used to seeing the stars like that after what had happened over Alchera, but the magical draw of the ‘final frontier’ had come back to her readily enough after a while.  Now, reaching over, she lowered the volume to the stereo but did not turn the music completely off.    
  
“Commander.”  
  
Shepard turned towards the voice, smiling as she did so.  He stood there, on the upper level, as if waiting for her permission to do … something.  “Hey, Kaidan.”  Crossing the room, she stepped up beside him.  
  
There was a look in his eyes then that she couldn’t quite decipher, but she let it pass for the moment.  “Traynor said something about your monitor acting up?”  
  
Shepard’s snort was soft and slightly annoyed.  “Yeah.”  Gesturing roughly towards the machine, she added, “Same thing as last time.  Think you can fix it again?”  
  
“Hmm.  Let me take a look.”  She watched him step over to the desk, nudging the chair out of the way so that he could maneuver things around a bit, get beneath the desk if he needed to.  She watched closely as he began running through the basic checklist they were all taught to use in these types of situations.  She half thought of reminding him she had done all this before, but she didn’t.  He knew her well enough to know that she would have done at least this much before calling for him.  “This might take me a few minutes.”  
  
Shepard sighed.  Of course it would.  “I figured as much,” she murmured before turning and stepping to the lower section of the cabin once more.  Reaching for a datapad off the table, she sat down and began reading.  Or at least tried to.  It wasn’t so much the sounds coming from the computer and the examination that Kaidan was giving it that distracted her as much as the man himself did.    
  
The music switched over then and Shepard barely noticed.  Still attempting to read the updated information that had been waiting for her on her return to the ship earlier (like Admiral Hackett’s group needed to remind her constantly of the continued need for resources for the Crucible?), she didn’t even realize she’d begun humming under her breath.    
  
“Commander?”  
  
Shepard was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of Kaidan’s voice.  Glancing up, she found him standing almost directly in front of her.  “Hmm?  Oh, did you fix it?”  Setting aside the datapad, she rose.  The look on his face, though, had her confused.  “What?”   
  
“You were singing.”  
  
Shepard froze instantly.  “I - I was?”  Kaidan nodded, but she saw the smile starting to form there.  Okay, so  … “Umm …”  
  
“It was nice.”    
  
Shepard’s eyes met and held his.   _Nice._  Well, he wasn’t teasing her about it, that was a relief.  She knew she could sing, that wasn’t the issue.  It had been a while, but still.  What concerned her more was that the rest of the crew didn’t find out.  It was something she guarded closely and kept very, very private.  For very specific reasons.  Reasons she was not willing to share quite yet.  But apparently being around him had her lowering that guard unexpectedly ….  
  
Giving him a quizzical look, Shepard ventured, “Are you going somewhere with this?”  
  
He chuckled.  Hand lifting to rub the back of his neck, a nervous gesture that she was, to be honest, a bit surprised to see from him just then, he continued, “Just … an observation.”  
  
Shepard eyed him carefully for a long moment.  She could move forward with the conversation, or she could back off and let it be, focusing instead on ….   
  
_The better part of valor is discretion, in the which better part I have sav'd my life._  Shepard nearly laughed as the Shakespearean quote came to mind.  It was odd at how things like this would often come to mind when certain types of decisions needed to be made.  Glancing over at her computer terminal then back at Kaidan, she changed the topic by asking, “So … were you able to fix it this time?”  
  
Seemingly unfazed by her shift, Kaidan nodded.  “You could say that,” he replied while gesturing her over towards the monitor.    
  
Frowning, Shepard followed.  “What?” she asked as she moved beside him.  “Have you found the root of the problem?”  
  
Kaidan pressed a couple of buttons on the keyboard and a string of code began running up the screen.  Shepard followed it, but most of it was gibberish, to her at least.  “Something like that,” he murmured.  Pressing a button, the scrolling stopped and he pointed to a particular line.  “That’s your problem.”  
  
Shepard leaned over and read the line.  Still, it meant nothing to her.  Pulling back, she looked over at him.  “It’s not … some remnant Cerberus code or anything?” she asked, hoping sincerely that wasn’t the case.  God, had they been spying on her since she got the ship back?  
  
“No,” he replied, “not Cerberus.  This one is more … foreign.”  
  
That had Shepard frowning.  “Foreign?” she repeated.  
  
“Think turian.”  
  
Still confused, Shepard began, “Tur - wait …   _Garrus_?”  
  
Kaidan nodded.  “I think so.  However, it’s not just him.  I’ve managed to trace back the origin of the code … but to two locations and timestamps.  The earliest was a little over a year ago.”  
  
Shepard sighed, hand moving to rub against her right temple as she could feel the headache coming on.  “In the weeks right before we went through the Omega 4 Relay,” she stated.  He nodded.  That was about the time it had started.  The time when Shepard had begun calling on both Kasumi and Garrus for assistance with a recalcitrant macine.  Shortly after an ill-fated trip to Omega where Shepard had been a bit more … wild than usual.  Eyes closing, shaking her head, Shepard asked, “And the second timestamp?”  
  
“Just after the Citadel Coup attempt.”  
  
“And this was Garrus too?”  
  
“Actually,” Kaidan continued, scrolling up the page just a bit further and pointing to a different line, “this was from down in the CIC.”  
  
Suddenly, Shepard recalled the slight tinge of amusement in Traynor’s tone earlier.  Sighing, she asked, “And what is the purpose of the code?”  
  
That was when Kaidan began chuckling, a reaction that had Shepard’s eyes opening and meeting his amused gaze.  “Absolutely nothing except to make it seem as if your system has a problem and is in need of attention by someone with more advanced technical skills,” he explained.    
  
“It’s … a setup?”  Shepard winced as her voice squeaked in astonishment.  “But, how … why … who …  No, scratch that, I know who,” she corrected herself, “and probably the how.  But the why …?  Shit.”  
  
Kaidan reached out and pulled the hand she’d covered her face with away.  “I’m guessing, of course,” he told her quietly, “but I suspect that the reasons, at least in the beginning, were to simply have a fabricated reason to have them check up on you.  You do tend to … hyperfocus on things sometimes.”  
  
Shepard pursed her lips and frowned at him, but she did not contradict him.  He was right, after all.  Back when this had all started, they were still pulling the team together that would got through the relay.  It had been shortly after Horizon, and Shepard had focused solely on work to get her through the pain of her confrontation with Kaidan.  Once she and Thane had become involved, though, the incidents had diminished somewhat.  But this time?  “Okay, I can accept that for last year,” she admitted, noting the glint of surprise in his eyes.  Well, he wasn’t the only one who could change, right?  “But what about this second instance?”  
  
“Ah.”    
  
Shepard thought she saw a bit of pink creeping up Kaidan’s neck now.  “What?” she demanded.  “Wait - _you_ didn’t have a hand in this, did you?”  
  
He looked startled.  “What?  No!  No, I didn’t … at least, not willingly,” he amended.    
  
“What do you mean, ‘not willingly’?”  
  
Kaidan sighed.  “I mean that I think they did this to try to, I don’t know … play matchmaker?  Bring us together?  That’s just a guess, by the way,” he clarified.  “I certainly don’t think there was any harm intended.”  
  
Shepard sighed, turning away to stare thoughtfully at her fish tank while she thought.  “Matchmaking, hmm?”  
  
“That would be the obvious answer, yes.”  
  
Which, Shepard had to agree, was a bit … humbling, depending on their reasons behind it, of course.  In the weeks since the coup attempt and Thane’s death, Shepard had begun working her way through it all.  That she still cared about Kaidan, whether he knew it or not, was not at issue here, either.  She was more concerned about whether or not she’d feel comfortable enough allowing herself to move on from Thane.  The other aspect to it, of course, was whether or not Kaidan still had feelings for her and if so, just how deep those feelings went.  He’d been respectful enough after her loss, though, and that told her a lot about how he’d grown during their time apart.  “And how do you feel about that?” she asked finally.  
  
He was silent for a moment and Shepard turned back to face him.  But what he had not said in words, Shepard thought she could see in his eyes, and she felt a smile pulling then at the corners of her lips.  Perhaps it was still too soon, she mused silently, but when the time came, it seemed as if he might be open to the idea.  Taking a step back towards him, she told him quietly, “Thank you.”  He could think she meant in relationship to her monitor issue, or perhaps he could make the same jump her thoughts had just made regarding them.  Either would be correct at the moment.  Just so long as he knew she appreciated it.  
  
“You’re welcome,” he replied.  Then, with a glint of mischief in his eyes, he asked, “So … would you be interested in a bit of retaliation?”   
  
Shepard felt a flare of amusement at his words.  “Calibration shenanigans?” she countered.  
  
“Exactly.  For a start, at least.”  
  
Grinning, she nodded.  “Tell me what you need me to do.”  And as she listened, Shepard could not refrain from a delighted chuckle.  Revenge, as lighthearted as it would be, would be very sweet indeed.v


	22. Me, Myself and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea caught me from the first moment Serafina Shepard faced her clone in the Spectre Archives. Yesterday, she finally allowed me to write it up.

  


“Here, take my hand!” Shepard shouted over the roar of the _Normandy’s_ engines and whooshing of air around them.  It was something that, just an hour or two before, she’d never have thought she’d be saying to her clone.  As a matter of fact, she’d wanted to kill the bitch and Maya Brooks, or whatever her real name was.  Time certainly had a way of changing things.  

 

“And then what?” her clone demanded, derision oozing from every word.

  
“And then you live!” Shepard informed her, hand extended, stretching out towards her.  Was it really that difficult a concept to understand?

 

For the cloneShepard, however, it appeared to be just that.  Or maybe it was simply a concept too foreign for it to understand.  She’d been ‘alive’ for, what, less than a year?  Even admitting that she’d had to rely on neural implants to ‘learn how to be human,’ surely she had learned more than that, right?  Internally, Shepard could only shake her head.  Some lessons apparently had not taken root.  “For what?” the clone challenged.  

 

Shepard leaned further forward, Kaidan and Wrex both holding onto her so she wouldn’t fall off the ship … but it was a moot point.  Before Shepard could reach the clone, she’d pushed herself backwards, falling, disappearing into the mass of buildings below.  Shepard winced and automatically drew backwards as she saw the clone hit one of the taller buildings.   _Such a waste_.

 

She felt the weight of the hand at her waist tighten then, remembered to whom it belonged.  She wasn’t surprised when, a moment later, his familiar baritone was at her ear asking earnestly, “You okay, Shepard?”  

 

Turning towards him, her hand covering his briefly and for just a moment, she sighed heavily.  “Honest truth?” she countered after a moment.

 

“I’d prefer that over the alternative,” he quipped only half-seriously.    

 

She smiled.  The first, honest to goodness smile, though exhausted it might be, since this whole mess had begun just hours before.  “Honest truth is, Kaidan,” she told him quietly as Wrex ambled off to begin mopping up some of the last problematic issues in the shuttle bay, “I don’t know.”  She took a deep breath, held it for a long moment, then looked up into those familiar amber eyes.  She knew he’d understand her dilemma.  He knew more about her than any other living soul.    

 

Kaidan’s hand lifted to cup the back of her head, holding it in place as he tilted his forehead to meet hers.  “You know as well as I do,” he sympathized quietly, “that it wouldn’t have been real.  Don’t you dare fool yourself into thinking that, Shepard.”

  
Shepard’s eyes close for a moment, a soft snorting sort of exhale escaping her lips.  “Yeah,” she whispered, “I know … it’s just that … for a minute … for that first minute when I saw her … it was almost like having her back ….”

 

Kaidan brought his other arm around, both now finding her shoulders, shaking her once, firmly.  “Look at me, Shepard,” he urged gently.  When she did look up, her eyes meeting his, he continued.  “It wasn’t Kaysey.  It would never have been her.  It _couldn’t_ have been.  Kaysey died on Mindoir, sixteen years ago.  Hell, this wasn’t even really you, and she was created from your own DNA.  It was a pale imitation, nothing more.”

 

Shepard nodded, but her eyes held his.  She took his words to heart, hoping that somehow, some way, they would assuage the last vestiges of guilt - guilt for surviving that day so long ago when her twin had not, and guilt for having even remotely wished that this clone could have replaced her sister in her life now.  “You’re right, Kaidan.  Of course, you’re right.”  

 

“Can I get that in writing?” he asked, turning and leading her back into the main part of the shuttle bay.  The _Normandy_ was coming in to land back at the docks and he wanted to be sure they wouldn’t accidentally be ejected from the ship.  

 

Shepard chuckled, thankful for his attempt at humor.  “What’s the matter, major?  Don’t you trust me?” she hedged.  When he seemed startled by her words, she quickly added in a more teasing fashion, “Get me drunk, and then we’ll see.”  

 

He flashed her a grin as the ship came to a halt at bay D-24.  “That, Commander, I think I can do.”

  
The sound of the elevator arriving then had Shepard turning her attentions back to the duties at hand.  With the arrival of Joker and Cortez, an assessment and evaluation of the damage done to the _Normandy_  could begin.  And after that, well, she was determined to do her damnedest to salvage what she could of their shore leave.  She owed that and more to her team ... her _real_  family.

 


	23. The Piano

  


Shore leave on the Citadel was something that had, at least at one point, been one of those things that was to simply be endured.  Sure it was leave, time away from the ship, but there was often duty tied to it as well.  If not recruiting for the Alliance, then assisting current allies in varying capacities, even making new alliances with others who under ‘normal’ circumstances might be considered shady.  Then there were always the Spectre duties.  These were mostly paperwork related, though it was difficult to fathom just how an organization that had such a free hand in resolving intergalactic disputes always seemed to end up with so damned much paperwork.  But at the end of the day, even on multi-day stays, there was always ‘home’ to return to: the Normandy.

****

Kaidan chuckled to himself as he maneuvered his way from the Presidium to the Silversun Strip.  These days, thanks to Shepard, ‘home’ also now included Anderson’s former apartment that the Admiral had given the Commander with express instructions to ‘rest up and recharge.’  And where she was, he often wasn’t far behind these days.  Though their relationship was nearly back to where they had once been together, back in the days of the SR1, there were times he still tried to keep it light between them or at least not at stressful levels because he too was worried about her.  All of them were.  She often referred to herself as ‘just a soldier,’ but the rest of the Normandy’s crew disagreed.  They knew that they would not be able to get to where they needed to go without her leading the way, and in order to get there it would be up to them to make certain she took better care of herself and not only focus on them.

****

Which was part of why he was headed towards her apartment now.  Having finished his errands for the day he was now headed on his secondary mission:  Operation ‘Distraction’ as Garrus and Cortez had nicknamed it.  And while Kaidan was all in favor of offering Shepard whatever sort of distraction she might need at the moment, he couldn’t help but recall how out of sorts she’d seemed when they’d docked earlier that day.  Short tempered was not a description he would normally use in reference to her, but the way that she’d all but barked at some of the crew as they were leaving had him and the others more concerned than usual.  

****

Then again, it wasn’t too difficult for him to sort out the cause either.  The memories of their failure at Thessia were still fresh.  With no real leads to follow next, they’d returned to the Citadel to stock up on what supplies they could before heading out once more.  He had two days to see if he couldn’t help Shepard move forward from that experience.

****

After what seemed an eternity but in reality probably hadn’t been more than an hour, Kaidan found himself entering Tiberius Towers.  Shepard had given him the pass code some weeks before, so he made his way through and up to her flat.  It was as he approached the door that he noticed the music flowing from the other side of the door.  The first thing he noticed was that it was different from Shepard’s usual taste, though he couldn’t quite put a reason to why he thought that.  But it was the volume that really caught his attention.  He was mildly surprised at not being approached as he passed the neighbor’s flat.  This particular person had been known to protest before.

****

It was as he opened the door and entered that Kaidan realized it wasn’t the stereo system that was on, but Shepard sitting nearby at the grand piano.  Playing.  He felt a sad smile pull at his lips then as the import of her actions began to weigh upon him.  It had only been recently, just weeks before actually, that Shepard had told him of her background, of performing music with her sister and her father on Mindoir in her youth.  She’d been opening up to him more since, allowing him to see a side of her that no one else living ever had.  

****

For a very long moment, Kaidan stood nearby and simply watched.  Dressed in her fatigues, she sat there, hands flowing as gracefully over the keys as they might do when using her beloved Black Widow out on the battlefield.  Economy of movement, but with grace and style.  From her waist down, she was still for the most part, save when her feet adjusted to press one of three pedals there.  Waist upwards, however, was an altogether different story as her efforts seemed to utilize every muscle group from back to shoulders and down into her arms and hands.  In a way, it was came across in nearly violent contrast to the seemingly sweet song … though there, too, Kaidan could hear elements of anger, frustration and a myriad of other emotional responses, no doubt triggered by recent events.  The piece was not a familiar one to him, but even Kaidan could tell that at that moment Shepard was not playing it for the music itself, but as a sort of release.  There was a harshness, an edge to it.  

****

He took a few cautious steps towards her, but it was clear she was not paying close attention to her surroundings.  Even if it hadn’t been for the carpeting, he doubted Shepard would have heard his booted steps on the floor.  And when her head turned just a bit so he could catch a side glance, he noted that her eyes were closed … and tears flowing freely.  Sighing, he tossed caution to the winds and closed the distance between them.  

****

~ ~ ~

****

In the weeks since Anderson had ‘tied up loose ends’ with his apartment Shepard had been avoiding this particular corner of the flat with a vengeance.  It brought back too damned many memories from her past that she had wanted to bury and keep buried.  Sure, she might have been talking to Kaidan about some of it, but that was only a part of it.  And despite her own personal wants or needs, this particular area kept coming back to haunt her.  The first time had been at the memorial service for Thane.  Not so much the piano or the music it might provide as it was just memories, or the ideas of memories returning.  Hearing his voice, visual proof of his attempts to message her on Earth … and knowing that they’d been denied to her at the time and why.  How many memories together had they missed out on together?  Lost moments that they would now never have a chance to share?  Time that could never be recaptured?  So many things they could have done together in six months ….

****

Later, when Liara had come to see her and Shepard had found the asari over by the piano, noodling around with the keys … that had nearly broken Shepard right then and there.  How many times in the past had Shepard walked in upon her twin doing the same sort of thing on the family piano back on Mindoir?  Shepard loved Liara like a sister, would be the first to openly admit it and declare it to the galaxy if necessary, and to walk in and find her standing there, unknowingly imitating Shepard’s own flesh and blood in her actions if not particular song had almost been too much to handle.  But she’d done her best and played it off as a lack of skill, hopeful that if Liara ever found out the truth she would understand.

****

That day on the Normandy, when Diana Allers had convinced Kaidan to show her the video footage from Mindoir … that had been the real kicker.  Proof.  Truth.  Undeniable evidence to any who were paying attention (and she knew both Kaidan and Allers had been) that she not only had a connection to the music but was quite good at it as well.  Their closeness gradually returning to what it had once been, and more, Shepard had finally opened up to Kaidan after that, revealing to him alone about her past.  To his credit, he never teased her (not that she thought he would) about it.  Quite the contrary, in fact, he was very supportive.  

****

But right now, in this moment, the music was a device, a means of release for her, which was in large part why she kept repeating it over and over, never finding the end.  Every note, each chord, the entirety of the movement was guided by the emotional stress and strain, in this particular case as a result of her failure at Thessia.  It was more than simple mourning for the asari or the distress at yet another world being lost to the Reapers.  It was anger, frustration and untold resentment and indignation that Kai Leng, and by extension the Illusive Man, had managed to outmaneuver her yet again.  First Mars, then Thessia.  And Shepard took it personally.  So many people were counting on her … and she’d let them all down.  Again.  How much longer would this continue?  How much sacrifice would have to be made before this damn war was over?

****

Desperation seizing hold of her for a moment, Shepard stopped playing, hands fisting and pounding down atop the keys in a dissonant, tangled mass of notes in repeated fashion.  Eyes closed tightly, teeth grinding against physical and emotional pain, she was nearly oblivious to the tears that coursed down her cheeks.

****

~ ~ ~

****

Kaidan reacted immediately, stepping forward to wrap his arms around her, murmuring soft words meant to calm.  Guiding her to her feet, he pulled her close as she moved around the bench and nearly collapsed into his arms.  He did not counsel her to calm down or relax or anything along those lines.  In fact, that was the very thing he wanted to avoid.  Shepard was one who too often held in her emotional responses.  He wanted her to find some sort of release, get it out of her system, so that she might find a way back to a clearer state of mind that was necessary to continue the fight.  Leading her away from the piano, he assisted her up the stairs and towards her bedroom where they laid down together and he held her close.  What else was there to do?

****

 

* * *

 

****

It was dark when Shepard opened her eyes, and it took a long moment for her to recognize her surroundings.  The first thing she noticed, though, had any concerns she might have had fleeing automatically.  Laying atop the bedding as they were, Shepard would normally have been quite chilled, but there was a warmth there, one she recognized and knew well.  His arms still wrapped around her, Shepard couldn’t help but smile softly to herself, grateful for Kaidan’s presence.  She’d no idea what might have happened had he not been there the night before when she’d finally given in to her grief.  Not one for self-destruction at all, she was intelligent enough to recognize that she’d not been in a good frame of mind the day before and the piano might have suffered as a result of it.  Speaking of ….

****

Shepard rose carefully from the bed, easing her way out of Kaidan’s embrace so as to not wake him, before turning to leave the room.  Descending the stairs in darkness, a quick look at the chronometer in the kitchen told her it was still the middle of the night.  Despite that, she made her way over to the piano and took a seat, determined to make sure the instrument had not suffered any damage to her earlier fit of temper.  

****

Softly this time, or at least as quietly as she could, Shepard began playing.  This time, as the song took shape, the notes flowed more smoothly, less of a violent confrontation between the keys and her fingers and more of a partnership, a blending of movement and function to journey from one place to another.  She felt a smile pull at her lips as the notes flowed easily, the tune much more receptive to her instruction now than earlier.  

****

~ ~ ~

****

Kaidan knew the moment his eyes opened that she’d left him; or rather, left the room.  Rolling over onto his back, he caught a glimpse of her silhouette as she began descending the stairs.  Curious as to her destination, he rose and decided to follow.  He’d just stepped from the stairs onto the main floor when he heard the first soft strains of the song she’d been playing earlier begin to float across the room.  Though not musically inclined like she was, Kaidan could tell immediately that there was a difference to her playing this time.  Gentler, more delicate in tone, the song presented him with an equally emotional encounter this time, and yet told a completely different story.  

****

Halting beside the fireplace, Kaidan crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, simply watching her play.  This time, her body and it’s actions seemed to mimic the change in the music as well.  Not nearly so violent in their movements, her upper body seemed even more graceful than it had earlier, moving in harmony with the piece instead of offering discord.  A smile pulled at his lips as she continued.  After her initial reaction earlier, she’d broken down but found a way to explain to him just what had precipitated those events.  Shortly after that, she’d drifted off into a somewhat restful sleep.  

****

This time, as she neared the conclusion of the piece, Kaidan was glad to see that Shepard seemed able to find the end this time, to release the music and herself at the finish, allowing the notes to drift off around them.  When she finished, he saw her sit back a bit, hands settling gracefully atop her lap.  He could tell from the set of her shoulders, though, that she was in a much better place than she had been earlier.

****

Stepping up behind her, he rested his hands on her shoulders.  Either she had heard his approach or she was able to sense his arrival some other way as his actions did not startle her in the least and her hand lifted to cover his.  Leaning back just a bit more, she rested her head against him and he glanced down to find her eyes closed, her breathing relaxed, a smile tilting upward on her lips.  It was, most likely, the most peaceful he’d seen her since their first meeting three years before.  It was a start.

  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Note: The first time Shepard is playing, the song is “The Heart Asks the Pleasure First,” from the soundtrack to The Piano by Michael Nyman. The second time Shepard is playing, the song is “The Promise,” from the same soundtrack. Though essentially the same song, there are subtle differences between the two and that is what I was trying to express here.


	24. Belly Up to the Bar, Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set ME2 era shortly after Horizon and Thane joining the crew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to LadyJess for betaing this for me!

_[this oneshot was inspired by a comment made by Dr. Chakwas (below) and the shots contest in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy goes to find Marian in the Himalayas.  Yes, I can make almost any movie work for another fandom :)]_

 

Tossing back the drink in one gulp, the turian shook his head in reaction before attempting to speak afterwards.  The stuff was strong, of that there was no doubt.  Thus the current discussion.  Or was it a disagreement?  He wasn’t certain anymore.  “You hhad to hhave bheen there, Khaidahn,” Garrus slurred.  Frowning, he stared down at his empty glass.  How many of these things had he drunk already?

“Not saying I don’t believe you,” Kaidan replied.  He was being a bit more selective with his drink, savoring it slowly.  He’d still end up with the predictable results later, more than likely, but at least he’d have a better recollection of the evening’s events.  “Just saying I find it hard to believe that Shepard -”

“Well, shhame on yhou, then.”  Both Kaidan and Garrus glanced to their left to find the doctor stepping up to the bar, her arm signaling the bartender for another round.  “If I’ve said it once, Ih’ll say it again … Shhepard can go dhrink for dhrink aghainst a khrogan.”  She took the drink the bartender handed her and turned towards the men.  “Ahnd she’s done it, too.”  A firm nod accentuated her point.

Kaidan was confused.  “What are you talking about?”

Garrus chuckled.  “She hasn’t tohld you?” he managed.  “Abouht Ohmega?”  The chuckling took on a deeper, heartier tone then, and didn’t seem to want to stop.  “Jhust whait tihll you hear thisss one ….”

“Garrus!” the doctor protested, elbowing him sharply enough that the turian took a step back from her.  “Shhow ssome resspect!”

“What?  Shepard lhikes that shtoryyy!” Garrus protested.  Turning his attention back towards Kaidan, he began, “Iht wash on Ohmehga ….”

* * *

“Shepard?”  

Garrus grew concerned when Shepard didn’t acknowledge the summons and continued walking straight on ahead of them.  He glanced to his right, but his krogan companion simply shrugged.  It was clear Grunt had no idea what was going on.  To his left it was difficult to see exactly what Kasumi was thinking, even if Garrus was certain he’d be able to read her expression because she tended to pull that hood so far forward he couldn’t see her eyes.  

“Shepard?” he called again.

Still she kept walking.  And it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with her.  “What the hell …?” he muttered, increasing his pace.  She seemed almost … what was the word?  Possessed?  Obsessed?   _Stubborn?_  Certainly she was ignoring the rest of them, and the turian was beginning to take it personally.  

She continued on, though, not seeming to have a particular destination in mind from the way she was meandering her way through the streets.  Or, he considered a moment later as she took a quick left, then a right, and then another left before turning down yet another dimly lit street before finally coming to a sudden halt, maybe she did know where she was going. Garrus glanced to his right, the direction she was staring intently at the moment, and his eyes fell on the name of the establishment.   _Raider’s Tomb._  Shepard started walking inside with Grunt close behind as Garrus glanced again at Kasumi.  The thief simply shrugged and followed.  Garrus, for his part, had some concerns.  With a name like that … was there any certainty they’d be walking back out again afterwards?  Perhaps he ought to message Zaeed to bring Thane and join them as back up.  In the end, under the theory that it never hurt to be prepared, he did just that.

Shepard was already at the bar ordering drinks when Garrus finally approached.  Uneasily, the turian glanced around the dimly lit bar.  Though it had been a couple of months since his departure from Omega, and given his current companions he doubted he’d have much to worry about, this was still the type of place his enemies might frequent.  But the only patrons in the area he could see just then were a couple of unfamiliar krogan down at the other end of the bar.   _So far, so good._

Grunt’s pleased laughter had Garrus turning his attention back to Shepard.  Grunt laughing usually meant trouble, from what he’d been able to figure out so far.  Tank bred or not, a krogan was still a krogan, and Grunt seemed to have that certain _appreciation_ for battle that most krogan had.  Kasumi had stepped off to the side, determined to do her drinking on her own, so Garrus figured that meant it was up to _him_ to keep Shepard (and by association, Grunt) out of trouble.  But the moment he heard ‘ryncol’ being ordered, he knew he didn’t stand a chance.  Voice lowered so the conversation could remain relatively private, he murmured, “Uh, Shepard?  That might not be the best choice -”

She turned and gave him a long, hard glare that had him swallowing the rest of his words.  “Horizon made it the best choice,” she told him harshly, reaching for the glass.  

Shrugging, Garrus stepped up to the bar and placed an order for himself.  He’d just have to hope she could handle her liquor better than the last time on the Citadel, back before the SR1 had gone down ....

Drinks in hand, the three turned to face each other.  Shepard’s eyes narrowed a bit and she opened her mouth to speak (Garrus had learned back on the SR1 how humans liked to ‘toast’ all the time), but before she could do so, a shout came from the other end of the bar.  “Must’ve been a bad one,” the first krogan was saying to his companion.  “Everyone knows humans can’t hold their alcohol.”  Garrus sighed.  Spirits weren’t on their side tonight, it seemed.  If there was one thing Garrus knew of Commander Shepard, it was that she would _not_ back down from a challenge.  And that had been a challenge, no doubt about it.

“Lightweights,” the second krogan snickered.  Garrus frowned.  Did krogans even snicker?  It sounded more like evil chortling to him ... and a second to the issued challenge.  

A slight movement beside him confirmed his suspicions.  Glancing over at Shepard, he saw her back stiffening, her shoulders straightening, and a defiant gleam in her dark blue eyes.  Grunt, too, seemed to notice.  He began chuckling in his rumbling sort of way, but the sound was all approval.  Garrus sighed.  He hoped Zaeed and Thane would get here quickly.  This was going to go downhill very quickly, he could feel it.

But Shepard didn’t speak, Garrus noticed. Instead, she lifted her glass, murmured her toast in a language he didn’t recognize and tossed back the drink in one shot, followed by Grunt doing the same.  A hard swallow, a sharp shake of the head and a gasp for breath later, Grunt’s amusement seemed tenfold, resulting in him pounding Shepard’s back with such force that Garrus thought she might fall into the bar ... but she didn’t.  Instead, she turned sideways, her attention focused solely on the krogan.  “Care to put your money where your mouth is?” she called to them, eyebrow arching in question.   _Shit!_  Garrus tapped a simple, one word message to Zaeed and Thane:   _HURRY!_

The deep, booming laugh of the first krogan filled the room.  “It’s your money, human!” he told her.  Garrus saw the second one nodding in agreement.  

Garrus felt helpless as Shepard moved around him, signalling the bartender to set up a series of ryncol shots for them both.  She handed him her credit chit to cover the cost of the drinks and … any resultant damage that might occur.  Turning back to the krogan, she told him, “First one to pass out, loses.”

“Agreed.”

“Loser will pay the winner a thousand credits,” she added, pulling another chit from her pocket and placing it on the bar between them, “paid up front.”

For a moment, Garrus thought the krogan might back off of the challenge.  A thousand credits was a lot of money.  But apparently, he thought better of it and soon added his chit to the rest.  The bartender arrived then with a tray - five shots each - and set it between them.  It was then that Garrus noticed the increased murmurings around them, saw the previously occupied patrons moving closer, sensing a challenge, placing bets on who the winner would be.  In the distance, he saw Zaeed and Thane finally arrive and the turian tilted his head towards Shepard.  Moving in, they took up positions among the people surrounding them.  Grunt had moved up to stand behind Shepard.  Garrus took a step closer as well.  Kasumi ....  Garrus frowned as he glanced around.  The thief was nowhere to be seen ... which probably meant trouble in and of itself, but at this rate there would be trouble anyway, so what was a little more to add to the mix, right?

The moment the krogan lifted his glass, the side betting ceased and collectively, the audience held its breath.  Without hesitation, he tossed back his drink and swallowed, lowering his hand, flipping the glass over to prove it was empty, and slamming it forcefully to the counter.  Garrus winced slightly at the force used, wondering at how the glass hadn’t shattered.  

Barely had the glass hit the wooden platform than Shepard’s hand was reaching for hers.  She too, tossed it back quickly, just as she had earlier, before lowering her glass in the same manner.  The sound of the glass rim hitting the bar immediately sent up a cheer among the crowd.  Garrus watched them carefully, but no one seemed to be preparing to take potshots at Shepard, so he eased up just a bit.  Again, bets were placed, and this time out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Zaeed was getting in on the action.  He only hoped the mercenary was betting on Shepard and not the krogan.  

Another round passed.  Then another.  By the fourth round, there was an almost dead silence in the room.  The krogan reached for his glass, slowly lifting it to his lips, and then drank it down.  His moves were a bit slower, had a little more wobble to them, but there was no doubt that he was still in control of himself as he lowered his glass in the manner he’d used earlier.  All eyes then turned to Shepard.  She kept her eyes on her opponent, slowly reached out and lifted the glass and gradually drank the liquid inside.  Garrus noticed her eyes close this time, not a good sign by his reckoning, and he immediately sought out Thane who had switched places with him.  The drell nodded, taking a step closer to Shepard.  

The crowd around them began exclaiming, those who had bet that the krogan believed they had won now and began demanding their payment, but before Thane could even touch Shepard’s shoulder, she called out, “Stop!  I’m good.”  Blue eyes shot open then, and Garrus could see a renewed determination inside of them as well as a smirk of victory turning up at her lips.  How she was doing this, he had no idea.  This many shots of ryncol would kill a normal human, and yet she just seemed to act as if they had little to no effect on her other than a normal drunken reaction to having too many beers.  “I’m good!” she shouted again, her hand turning and slamming the glass down this time with more force than before.  The crowd cheered again, delighted that the competition was continuing.  

The krogan reached forward then, but Garrus noticed his dilemma soon enough.  There was a wobble there, his hand was moving erratically and took nearly twice as long to grasp the glass as he had before.  However, Garrus had to give him credit - he managed to lift the glass, down more of it than ended up on his clothing, and was just starting to lower the glass ... when he began falling backwards into his krogan friend.  The friend wasn’t prepared, and both ended up in a heap on the floor.  Garrus then glanced over at Shepard who ignored the exchange of credits around her and instead downed the last shot glass just to prove her point.  Garrus waited until she had collected her winnings before moving in beside her.  Eyeing her carefully, he commented dryly, “Feeling rather proud of yourself there, huh?”

She looked up at him and he noticed a slight wavering to her movement.  Perhaps she’d been more affected than he’d first thought.  “Acxshualllly, yeah,” she managed, flashing him a grin.  

Garrus sighed.  Moving to her right side, Thane moved to her left, and both wrapped an arm around her waist, intending to guide her out of the bar.  Shepard, however, was having none of it and pulled away from them both, nearly falling over in the process.  Garrus reached out and caught her before she could fall.  “Weren’t you listening when Grunt said it ‘hits aliens like ground glass?’” he demanded.  

Scoffing, Shepard snorted.  “Ayh’m not juss any aileeuhn,” she told him.  “Ayh’m -”

Garrus rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered.  “We know who you are.”  He nodded at Thane again and the drell moved to her side.  Together, they were able to start moving Shepard in the direction of the door.  

“Awww, leaving already?”

Garrus glanced over at Kasumi.  “Yes.  Get the others and let’s get out of here before those krogan decide they want a rematch.”

The trip back to the docking bay took nearly three times as long as the trip in, but they managed it with little incident.  The closest they came to a problem was when Shepard stumbled up the stairs and began protesting, physically pushing at both him and Thane to release her.  But her reaction was short lived, and by the time they _did_ arrive at the _Normandy_ , she had pretty much fallen asleep between them.  Miranda met them at the hatchway, instructing them to take Shepard down to the med bay.  After laying her down on one of the examination tables, Dr. Chakwas stepped over and began taking scans.  “Thank you, Garrus, Thane,” she told them.  

“Doc,” Garrus warned her, “she’s had six shots of ryncol ...”

He didn’t miss the woman rolling her eyes.  “I was afraid of that,” she murmured.  

A soft groan interrupted their conversation, and the doctor began to move around the room.  “You’d better go,” she suggested as she reached for the nearby garbage bin.  “Things are liable to get a bit ... toxic in just a moment.”

As he left, Garrus noticed that Thane seemed to have taken the doctor’s warning to heart, too.  The last thing both men heard as the door closed behind them were the first sounds of Shepard losing the contents of her stomach.  Garrus couldn’t help but cringe.

“Did she give you a reason for her actions?”

Garrus looked over at the drell, still standing beside him.  Sighing, he realized that Thane would have had no idea what happened right before he joined them aboard ship.  “She ... didn’t need to,” he told him.  When Thane continued to wait, Garrus added, “Horizon.  This is all because of Horizon.”  He sighed heavily.  “Look, Krios, it’s her story to tell, not mine.  If you want more details, you’ll have to speak with her about it.”

Garrus watched the drell give him a slight nod and bow before turning away and heading to his quarters.  As for himself, he headed towards the main gun battery.  He figured some calibrating would be called for, if only to help him ease his mind over what had just happened.  

* * *

Shepard stood on the dance floor above the main floor of _Purgatory_ , drink in hand, eyes focused upon the scene below her.  Garrus seemed to be quite into the telling of his story if his hand gestures were any indication, and given the periodic glances Kaidan was shooting up in her direction, she had no doubt just which story the turian was relating.  Sighing, she tossed back the rest of her drink and decided to interject herself into the conversation.  

“Sshhhee wass sick ash a dahg,” the doctor was saying.

“Forr dhayssh,” Garrus added.

Shepard met Kaidan’s eyes over their shoulders, reading the expression she found there.  Sorrow.  Guilt.  A hint of admiration, perhaps.  When his brow lifted in question, she smiled and nodded once.   _Yes, it really happened._  

Garrus took a deep breath as if to continue, but Shepard decided enough was enough.  “So, Garrus,” she began, biting back laughter as both he and the doctor jumped at her unexpected arrival, “are you ready to try to, what was it you called it on the _Normandy_?  ‘Drink me under the table?’”  A quick look at Kaidan nearly made her laugh aloud as she could see he was attempting to contain himself as well.

“Uh ... nnooo,” Garrus rumbled.

Nodding at them, Shepard murmured, “Think I’m going to go for a walk ... clear my head.  Any takers?”

Kaidan set his glass aside and joined her.  “I think I will,” he replied.  Neither Garrus nor the doctor seemed inclined, so Shepard simply turned and led the way out of the bar.  As they walked, she heard Kaidan ask, “So ...?”

Shepard sighed and wandered up to one of the railings that overlooked the lower levels of the Citadel.  “I was angry ... and hurt ... and I did something stupid,” she admitted quietly.  She felt his arm slide around her waist as he moved beside her.  

“I guess I should feel honored?”  She side glanced him, a tilt of amusement at the corner of her lips.  “I mean,” he continued, “it takes an awful lot to get you that kind of angry and upset.”

Shepard laughed.  “That it does,” she agreed.  Normally, she had a long fuse, but there were certain things that could push her to her limits.  Horizon had been one of them.  Turning to face him, his hand still wrapped around her, she leaned up to kiss him lightly.  “It’s over.  Done.  Won’t happen again.”

“Ever?”

“Ever,” she promised.  Gesturing towards the skycabs, she suggested, “Why don’t we go back to the apartment?  We’ll order in some food, watch movies, something ....”

“Sounds like a plan,” he agreed.  As he helped her into the cab, he asked, “So tell me ... does ryncol really hit aliens like ground glass?”

Shepard shuddered and snuggled up next to him as he took the seat beside her.  “You really don’t want to know the answer to that,” she assured him.  

  



	25. The Biotic Brigade

 

All was quiet around them, though there was a heaviness in the air, the weight of something unknown and completely unexpected.  In that moment, Shepard couldn’t help but wonder if there wasn’t something more to be feared than the Reapers.

“What … the hell was that?”

Shepard bit her lip, unable to reply as she staring down at her hand, eyes wide.  Truthfully, she had no idea what had just happened.  Okay, correction:  logically, she _KNEW_ what had happened well enough, but she had no fucking explanation for how it _COULD_ have happened, especially to her, and that was a truly frightening thing.  

“I …,” she stammered, the sudden insecurity and awkwardness taking her back to a time when she’d had absolutely no confidence in herself or her abilities.  That had been a lifetime ago ....

Her eyes closed tight as she heard his booted steps approaching, a brief moment of dread filling her as he neared.  What if he thought it was Cerberus’ doing again? she wondered.  Would he fall back into those doubts?  Would he push her away as he’d done on Horizon?  That would, likely, destroy their relationship once and for all after they’d just started finding their way through once again.  Would he ….

Shepard felt something warm and strong wrap around her hand and her eyes flew open, first glancing at her hand, now cradled gently between his, and then rising slowly to meet his gaze.  Swallowing tightly, she hedged in a voice that didn’t quite sound like her own, “Kaidan, I  ….”

He met her gaze full on and shook his head.  “Don’t, Shepard,” he told her calmly, quietly, patiently, and she recognized the difference from before almost immediately.  This wasn’t the man who had doubted, the one who had wondered if she was real or not, the one who had let the manipulations of one egomaniac nearly destroy what they had.  This was the man who _knew_.  The survivor, the fighter, the teacher.  The one who had confided in her his own fears of the situation so long ago ….  

When his eyes dropped back to her hand, hers followed, though her teeth still chewed at her lower lip.  “Do you think you could do that again?” he asked.

It took another long, shuddering moment for it to click in her brain that Kaidan really wasn’t going to back away from her.  There was no hesitation, no doubts of any kind, just … understanding and acceptance.  The enormity of that observation had her inhaling sharply, her tall frame straightening (when had she hunched over in defeat? she wondered), shoulders pulling back.  “I think … maybe?”  She had hesitation, of course, since she wasn’t certain what she’d done in the first place to make it happen.  

Blinking, Shepard took a step back from him so she could focus and think about the events leading up to what had happened.  She’d been in a somewhat foul mood as they’d returned from Cyone.  Not because they’d run into Reaper forces there - while not exactly expected, given the way the war had gone of late, it certainly hadn’t been a surprise - but more because James had been injured.  Oh, he’d be okay.  Kept insisting she worry about something important, but Shepard had ignored him.  She’d had Cortez call ahead and Dr. Chakwas and her team had been waiting for them on arrival, escorting Vega to the medbay immediately for treatment.  It was only after they had left that Shepard had exited the shuttle, Kaidan just behind her.  Her thoughts elsewhere, exhaustion had tripped her up, quite literally, and that was when it’d happened.  She’d thrown her hand out and the shuttle across the way had unwittingly taken the damage …  

“Aria,” Shepard breathed.

“Hmm?”  The asari’s name caught Kaidan’s attention.  “What about her?”  Her insistence on going to Omega alone to assist Aria was still a raw nerve with most of the crew despite her safe return, even after the passage of time.

Shepard closed her eyes and pulled her hand back, slowly imitating the mnemonic  movement she’d witnessed and apparently had memorized while on the mission.  She could feel a bit of a tingle around her hand, her wrist as she moved.  Eyes opening, she glanced down, noting the slight blue tinge encasing her hand and wrist.  “That was … one of Aria’s moves,” she explained.  “But, I … how did this happen?”  She looked over at him, the edge of earlier panic trying to take hold yet again.  “I’m an infiltrator, for god’s sake!  I have no biotic powers!”  She didn’t pull back as he stepped closer again, frayed nerves latching onto exhaustion and sudden insecurity and self-doubt.  She probably should, she knew that.  She’d only give him one more thing to worry about, to mistrust ….  “Kaidan, I -”

His hands closed over hers again.  “Shepard, it’s okay,” he told her reassuringly.  He pulled out his omni-tool and began running a scan, eventually turning his arm so she could see the results.  “See?  You’re fine.  No nodes, nothing permanent.”

Shepard frowned.  “But then … how?”

He shrugged.  “Such instances are rare,” he explained, “but I’ve heard of one or two.  Think about it.  You’ve been running all over the galaxy for years, right?  Of late,  your goal has been to collect eezo for the Crucible.”  She nodded.  “Over the past few years, how often do you think you’ve been exposed, likely most times without prior knowledge?  And during your N7 missions before that?  I think this is just a reaction to a build-up of exposure.  Something that will fade with time.”

“Then why didn’t it affect me before?” she challenged.  “Last year or back on the SR1?”

Kaidan was silent for a moment as he thought.  “Maybe it’s something that’s been building all along?”  He shrugged.  “Maybe something about Cyone triggered it?  Perhaps there was an excess of eezon somewhere on the station -”

Shepard sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.  “No,” she told him, the memory suddenly hitting her with a vengeance.  “No, I know what it was.  Omega.”  Another sigh.  Lowering her hand, she looked over at him.  “We were in the eezo mines, the processing plant.  It surrounded us, was in the air ….”  Shepard shuddered.  She hadn’t given it much thought at the time, but all that raw eezo ….  God alone knew how much she’d inhaled or absorbed in through her skin.

A hand on her shoulder brought Shepard back to the present.  Glancing up, she met his gaze.  “Let’s get you to the med bay,” he suggested.  “Doc can have a look an ‘official’ look at you and reassure you that things will be alright and then you can check on Vega’s status.”

Taking a deep breath, Shepard nodded.  Still, though, there was one question remaining.  As they stepped onto the lift, Shepard asked, “But … how can it be so … powerful?  I don’t have an implant or an amp, and you have many more years experience than I do -”

“I think it has to do with the direct exposure you’ve had to the eezo,” he told her.  “Sort of like the asari, maybe?  Most human biotics were exposed to trace amounts while in the womb.  You’ve had _direct_ exposure.  Maybe that gives you an extra boost?”

She paused and gave that consideration.  “Okay … I can buy that … maybe.  But still, the power?  The force behind it?  I mean, you saw the damage I just did to the shuttle.”  She made a mental note to make it up to Steve later.  “Was that full tilt or just … the learning curve?”

Kaidan chuckled as the elevator slowed and the doors opened on the crew deck.  “I’d say you’ve got some serious potential there, Commander,” he teased.  “Maybe with a little bit of more focused training …”

For the first time in the past fifteen minutes or so, Shepard suddenly felt herself relax.  Laughing softly, she side-glanced him and countered, “Is that an offer, Major?”

“Maybe,” he replied, though the smile at his lips was answer enough.  

Shepard knew though that between him and Liara, even Javik, she could find enough guidance to bring this … whatever it was under control for as long as it lasted.  Hell, she could probably send a message to Jack and after dealing with the initial amused outburst ( _You asshole!  How could you hide this shit from me?!_ ), Shepard had no doubts Jack would be more than willing to wax philosophic on her biotic artillery ideas now that Shepard could actually _participate_ in them.  

Shepard felt a smile pull at her lips as she and Kaidan neared the med bay.  The panic was receding now that she had a better idea on how to view this situation.  A new tool for her military arsenal, no matter how temporary.  A little more ‘boom’ for the buck, so to speak.  As the doors slid open, Shepard chuckled.  She felt Kaidan’s hand at her back, the silent question in his touch, and she flashed him a quick smile.  “We should start calling ourselves the Biotic Brigade,” she murmured.  The smile he gave her was all the response she needed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has always been something I've been working on in my head to explain how my non-biotic Shepard can end up with a biotic power after running through Omega with Aria. Because trust me, Serafina Shepard KICKS REAPER ASS in London (with Kaidan and Liara) using Flare. After a brief convo with Eleneripenneth on tumblr a few weeks ago, my brain began churning this out, and voila ... my headcanon for how non-biotic Shepard ends up able to use one biotic skill. *shrugs* It works. :)


	26. Duty First

**_Alliance HQ, Vancouver, 2186_ **

 

“Hey, Commander.”

Shepard glanced up from her position on the bed, eyes meeting the lieutenant’s.  “You’re not supposed to call me that, James,” she reminded him idly.  

James chuckled as he stepped into the room, food tray in one hand, other rising to salute.  “Not supposed to salute you, either,” he added.  

Always, it was the same.  Ever since their first meeting on Omega, six months prior when Anderson had met Shepard and the _Normandy_ there.  Months ago.  A lifetime ago in some ways.  But it had become something familiar with them, a pattern, a routine, and Shepard found she couldn’t mind it.  If nothing else, the lieutenant’s insistence on following ‘regulations’ kept her from completely losing hope that one day, hopefully soon, she would be back officially within Alliance ranks once more.  

Straightening, Shepard took the meal from him.  “So, what’s the flavor of the day?” she asked, eyes falling to examine the food on the tray before her.  

“Fried chicken, salad, green beans and mashed potatoes,” he announced.  “Oh, and if you’re a good little Commander and eat all your veggies, there’s ice cream for dessert.”

Shepard snorted as she darted him an impish side-eyed glance.  “Oh, I can be good alright,” she purred.  She didn’t fail to notice the slight stain of pink creeping up his neck at her words.  That was cause for another chuckle … and a flash of a memory which she quickly tucked back into it’s box before it could catch hold and take flight.  She didn’t need that now, of all things.  

“Alright, alright,” she gave in with a grin as she reached for her fork and began to eat.  It wasn’t bad, for military chow, she supposed.  Probably better than she’d have had on a ship after a few weeks’ cruise once fresh supplies had diminished.  “So,” she said around a mouthful of potatoes, “what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?”  

_House arrest_.  For nearly six months now, she’d been a ‘guest’ of the Alliance, first in Chicago, and then later, after a security breach at that location, in Vancouver.  Why they hadn’t brought her here in the first place was beyond her, but then again, no one had asked her opinion.  About anything.  Each day, it was the same: hurry up and wait.  Sit around, read, rest, stare at the ceilings or (in Vancouver’s case) out the windows.  Think.  Always, too much time for thinking.  The one thing she’d always wondered, and someday she’d find someone to ask she supposed, was didn’t they realize that by giving her this much time alone to think she’d be able to find a way out?  An escape of some sort?  She was an _infiltrator_ for crying out loud.  And an N7 to boot!  But apparently, they believed her word in that case - a promise made to Anderson at Omega that she wouldn’t try to escape.  Which was really ironic, to be quite honest, because to believe that instead of her word about the Collectors, the Reapers, the Batarians and the Alpha Relay ….

Sighing, Shepard bit off a chunk of chicken and began chewing thoughtfully.  So for nearly six months she’d been … wasting away.  Skills going to pot (though, she had to give Vega credit.  He did try to keep her on her toes, occasionally sparred with her at the gym they had access to, snuck her in a few times at the shooting range after hours when no one else was around so she wouldn’t completely lose her edge).  But the days ….  She sighed.  The days were something else altogether.

Shepard fully expected the ‘same shit, different day,’ response from him.  As usual.  But when he didn’t reply, she glanced back up at him.  He was standing inside the room, near the door, leaning a shoulder against the wall.  “What?” she asked, confused by this response.  He looked … uneasy.

“You’ve got … a visitor scheduled for tomorrow.”

Shepard’s brow lifted.  That was new.  Well, sort of.  It had been months since any of the brass or the medical staff had come to ‘visit’ her, expecting questions to be answered to their satisfaction.  Whether or not her answers had done that, she had no idea, but after weeks they had finally ceased visiting.  Why would they start again now?  “Who?”

“A Major Alenko.  He ….”

Shepard froze, eyes widening in astonishment as she stared at the lieutenant, chicken dropping from suddenly numb fingers, ears ringing and tuning out the rest of what he was saying, breath taking on an irregular pattern as she fought against an unexpected anxiety.   _Kaidan_.  Her immediate desire was to react with unadulterated joy, but realistically a wave of trepidation washed through her.  Eyes closing, she had no control as her earlier memory broke free, drifting back to the forefront ….

* * *

**_Normandy SR1, 2183_ **

 

_The weight of his arm settled about her waist was more welcome than she’d ever thought it might be, Shepard decided as she roused from a hazy state of half sleep to his light touch around her midsection.  She could feel the tingly buzz of his biotics moving along the same path, and she chuckled softly in response.  So, this was a planned reaction, not a reflexive one done in his sleep.  “You’re awake,” she murmured sleepily as she turned in his arms to face him._

_Kaidan was leaning up on his arm, staring intently down at her.  “I am,” he replied, though his hand continued to wander.  “I refuse to waste any of my time with you.”_

_“Oh?”  Her eyes opened a bit further, widening as sleep began to fade and consciousness returned which focused only on him._

_Swooping down, he planted a trail of kisses along her cheek, down her jaw and onto the sensitive skin of her neck and shoulder.  “Mmmm,” he replied.  Then, retreating, he caught her gaze and held it for a long, quiet moment.  “I thought I’d lost you,” he murmured.  His hand left her belly and lifted to brush some of the ebony curls back from her face, finally coming to rest around the shape of her cheek.  “After the attack, when they found us …  I thought … we all thought ....”_

_Shepard lifted her own hand to rest in a similar manner against his face.  “In our line of work, we both know it’s a possibility,” she told him quietly.  God knew, she knew that well enough after all the events of her past.  Mindoir.  Akuze.  Eden Prime.  Virmire.  How many had she lost over the years?  The tally was nearing numbers that she found difficult to keep track of.  It was also likely the reason for the regulations against fraternization being in place._ A bit late to worry about that now, _she thought._

_He nodded, and Shepard saw pain flash behind his eyes.  But when he spoke, it wasn’t pain she heard, but pragmatism.  Practicality.  “All the more reason to savor every moment we have together.”_

_Shepard smiled.  He had his own demons from the past, had learned to move on from them.  He knew of hers, of course.  Between them, they’d managed to help the other find a better place of peace … though in doing so, they recognized that they were allowing the opportunity for even greater hurt in the future.  “Then we’d best not waste any more of it, don’t you think?” she replied, turning further into his arms until she had knocked him over onto his back.  Taking the initiative, she sprawled across his chest and leaned in to kiss him …._

* * *

**_Horizon, 2185_ **

 

_“But, Kaidan -”_

_“I can’t believe you’re with Cerberus!”_

_Shepard sighed, an ache beginning in the center of her chest, both for the words and anger he was spouting as much as the reasons behind them.  She knew him well enough to know that this wasn’t his usual reaction.  Kaidan was a thinker, almost to a fault.  But this … this was a gut reaction, a loss of control that he rarely gave into, and she suspected she knew the reasons why, none of which had anything to do with her current association with Cerberus.  “I’m not WITH them,” she insisted, stepping towards him.  She reached out to touch his arm, but wasn’t surprised when he pulled away.  “Kaidan, the Collectors are a threat.  A REAL threat, and the only one willing to give me the resources to eliminate that threat at the moment is Cerberus!”_

_The scowl on his face darkened.  “I don’t believe you!  Why haven’t you told the Alliance about it?  The Council?  Hell, speak to Anderson if you need to, he could -”_

_“I DID!” she shouted, her anger bursting free a lot sooner than she might normally have done in the past.  She had a long fuse, but in the weeks since her ‘return,’ she’d noticed it was a bit shorter than in the past.  She could see the surprise on his face at this, too.  “Don’t you get it?  I’ve been to see Anderson and the Council.  Basically, I was told I should be a ‘good little soldier’ and keep to the Terminus Systems in my hunt.  That way they could ignore the fact that I was alive and still trying to convince the galaxy that the Reapers were a threat!”  Pure venom was lacing her words by the end of her tirade, a hint to them both, she supposed, just how affected she’d been by her visit with the Council and Anderson mere weeks before._

_“You … you’re … wrong,” he insisted, his head shaking as he continued to stare at her._

_“No, Kaidan, I’m not,” she told him with an aggravated sigh.  “The Council doesn’t want to admit that the threat is still a real one.  My impression of Anderson and the Alliance is not so much the same as they just don’t want to disrupt the balance of the Council at the moment, Earth being the newest member and all.”  She shrugged her shoulders, snorted softly.  “It’s politics.”_

_“But … why Cerberus?” he insisted._

_Shepard sighed.  She reminded herself, she really did understand where he was coming from.  “They are the only ones willing to give me the resources I need,” she told him.  His scowl darkened further and she could tell he didn’t want to believe it.  Another sigh, a hand raised to her temple to rub at a burgeoning headache.  “Kaidan, you and I both know the threat is real.  We were both there, on Virmire.  We spoke to Sovereign.  We spoke with Vigil on Ilos.  We KNOW what is to come!  Something MUST be done or the galaxy will be lost - again!”  She hesitated just a brief moment before adding, “Duty first, remember?”_

_He turned away from her then, but not before she saw his look turn to one of … disgust.  Hatred, even?  She didn’t think they were aimed directly at her, but ….  “Come with me, Kaidan,” she urged, taking one last step, making one last attempt.  “Help me ….”_

_He spun back around, harsh and almost violent in his actions, and for a moment, Shepard thought she saw his biotics beginning to flare around him.  Eyes lifting to meet his, she held his gaze, steady and silent, waiting for his reaction.  Behind her, she heard a weapon ready, from her left so she knew it was Miranda.  Waving the woman off, Shepard kept her focus on Kaidan.  This was a test … for him and for her, and she would face it alone …._

* * *

**_Alliance HQ, Vancouver, 2186_ **

 

She stood at the window, staring outside at the young boy playing with his fighter on the rooftop below, a small yet somewhat sad smile turning at her lips.  She’d taken Vega’s ‘warning’ to heart.  Freshly showered and in clean BDUs provided by her ‘hosts,’ Shepard was waiting on Kaidan’s arrival.  It had been months … nearly a year, since Horizon.  So much had happened since then, too.  However, the fact that he was willing to come and see her today, to speak with her, she took that as a good sign.  

The hiss of the door sliding open had Shepard stepping back from the window and turning.  As usual, Vega was there, greeting her.  “Commander,” he said, hand rising in salute.  

Rolling her eyes only slightly, Shepard returned, “You’re not suppose to call me that, James.”

“I’m not supposed to salute you, either,” he added as usual.  But then, unexpectedly, “Come on, we’ve got to go.”

Shepard blinked.  “Major -?”

Vega shook his head.  “Defense Committee,” he told her.  “Something’s up and they want to see you.  Like _NOW_.”

Shepard followed the lieutenant out of the door, turning down the hallway and jogging to catch up to him.  Reprieve? she wondered.  Relief?  She wanted to talk to Kaidan, to attempt to sort things out with him.  To figure out where they stood so they could both move forward and help prepare for the inevitable confrontation that was to come with the Reapers.  The fact that he was reaching out to her like this, it gave her hope …

But as she and Vega neared the junction of halls, Shepard spotted another different and yet all too familiar figure striding towards her, his steps filled with purpose.   _Something’s up_ , James had said, and Anderson had his no nonsense look on.  She recognized that look all too well and knew it bode no good.  Only one thing would have him looking that way and coming to find her.

_The Reapers …._

A different sort of hope flared inside of her now, and Shepard felt the old, familiar hold of duty wrap around her, tightening its hold, filling her with purpose and conviction.  By the time they arrived at the conference rooms, Shepard was mentally prepared.  There was a buzz about the place.  When combined with the information that Anderson had just given her, Shepard thought she could understand why … but still, it was not enough.  Accepting James’ hand, she nodded her thanks at him, hoped she would get a chance to work with him at some point in the future ….  

“Shepard?”

Shepard turned.  She heard so much in that one word, in the tone of that all too familiar voice.  Shock.  Expectation.  Hope.  But above all, _duty_.  Eyes meeting, she spoke his name, taking several steps forward.  Their eyes met and held.  He exuded the same aura of grim determination that the others had adopted, only more so.  This _was_ Kaidan after all.  “Kaidan.”  Duty called.

 

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the disappearance over the past few weeks. Mid-late August is a difficult time for me each year as hubby inevitably ends up packing up and going to GenCon (thankfully it's local) and DragonCon with friends, and I end up distracted (wishing I was there) and at home with the kiddo (who this year started high school (yes, they started AUGUST 2nd!) and is in marching band, so I was having to drag him all over). The inevitable side effect of this is that my muses shut down completely.
> 
> However, hubby is now back and I'm hoping to get things back on track! This little idea popped into my head the other morning and is sort of something I've been considering for a while now. "After The Rain" should be updating soon, too (hopefully within a week). For those who are also following "Mass Effect: The Lazarus Project," I've not given up on it - I'm trying to finish up "After the Rain" first (we're nearing the end) because jumping back and forth between those two muses is dizzying!!! Thank you for your patience and understanding!


	27. Nice plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set in the Mass Effect 1 time frame. It's on the shorter side and from Ashley's pov, but I think it helps fill out some of Serafina's background. Inspired by events in my ME playthrough over the weekend. This particular one was inspired by the attack on the pirate base (Helena Blake quest) on Tuntau.

 

"There it is."

The Commander's words had Ashley glancing over at Alenko before peering out of the viewport.  "Uh ... you got a plan, Skipper?" she hedged as she counted at least four men in the small space below.  In open space, the Mako could take them on fine.  No problem.  Hell, the Mako could take on Geth Armatures and survive.  But that was in wide open, easy to maneuver spaces.  Close quarters like this ....

"Just drive on in.  If they get in the way, drove right over them."

Ashley blinked.  "But, Skipper -"

"That's an order, Chief."

Ashley glanced over at Alenko a second time, but his attention was focused on the scanners monitoring their surroundings.  "Yes, ma'am," she replied as she began easing the Mako forward and down the hill.  "This is such a bad idea," she muttered to herself.

"What was that, Chief?"

Ashley swallowed tight as Shepard's query reminded her that the woman had exceptional hearing.  "Nothing, ma'am!"

Not a minute later, the vehicle shook lightly both from dropping onto level ground at last and from moving into range.  Alenko called out, "We're taking fire!"

Ashley bit her lip to keep from replying, but her mind followed through,  _No shit, Sherlock!_ , even as she struggled with the steering.

But even as the echo of the lieutenant's voice faded, Ashley saw that Shepard was responding.  A cannon blast precisely aimed at a barricade just as they landed on level ground sent two men hurling across the small clearing, bodies glowing an eerie orangish-red.  Another target, closer in and to their left, took a shot at them with his weapon, but before Ashley could turn the Mako around (the damned thing didn't turn on a dime, after all!), Shepard had taken the pirate out with the Mako's guns.  

"In front of us," Alenko announced, and Ashley spotted the last man trying to sneak in towards them, using his companion's demise as a distraction so he could plant a grenade on the underside of the Mako's carriage.

"Oh, no you don't!" Ashley growled, the Mako suddenly lunging forward.  The move clearly stunned the man and she could see the surprise in his eyes ... right before he disappeared beneath the Mako's tires.

"Remind me never to get you mad at me, Chief," Alenko murmured as the vehicle then rolled to a stop near the door to the building.

Ashley released her harness and turned to face Shepard after flashing Alenko a knowing grin and a broad wink.  "Nice plan, Skipper," she commented wryly.

Shepard smirked.  "Move out," she ordered a moment later.  They still had the mission to complete, after all.

 


	28. The End of All Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Shepard makes her final decision regarding the fate of the Reapers, memories of the past return.
> 
> tw: character deaths from in game (Ashley Williams, Thane Krios, Mordin Solus, David Anderson)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by several things including fanart that crossed my dash on tumblr in passing and music I've been listening to on Serafina's playlist. I'm honestly surprised this didn't hit me before now, but here it is.

Shepard winced as she realized another was lost thanks to the maneuverings of a madman.  In the back of her mind, she thanked whatever gods, goddesses or spirits were listening for the brilliance of her decision in sending both Liara and Kaidan back to the _Normandy_.  While she wouldn’t have minded having them with her at the end, she could find peace in knowing that they at least had a chance to survive this.

One last glance over at her mentor.  No longer would she ever hear that deep, rumbling chuckle of his that had a way of pulling her from whatever mood she might be in and causing her to smile.  The reassuring smile he’d given her sixteen years before when she could have ended it for him then and instead rescued her, setting her along the path to this point.  The look on his face in passing seemed peaceful, however, and Shepard could not help but be thankful for that.  A face no longer tight and pinched with stress or concern; one that no longer looked as if it had aged twenty years in less than one.   _God, it feels like years since I just sat down_ , he’d said.  

“You’ve earned your rest,” she murmured haltingly though her own pain.  

It was then that she brought her head around, finding the console before her.  Swallowing tightly, she glanced down at her own hand, now sticky with blood.   _Losing time_ , she thought.   _Must … finish … this …._

As she stumbled and struggled, behind it all Shepard could hear a voice.  Soft, comforting, and above all else as familiar as her own.  When she collapsed to the floor, her fingertips just inches from the interface that could end it all, the warmth of it surrounded her.

_Serafina …._

Shepard gasped, a sound as rough and raw as she felt in the moment, but she couldn’t find it in her to care.  Instead, she simply floated.  “Kaysey …,” she breathed, fingers stretching as far as they could.  Of course her twin would be here.  Yet another sign that this was indeed the end of everything.

 _You are almost through_ , the voice promised.   _Soon, you can rest._

Groaning, Shepard struggled to get an arm beneath her and push upwards.  Another grunt of pain escaped as she got a knee beneath her.  And another voice, completely unfamiliar to her, called out.  “Wake up.”

Gasping, Shepard’s head lifted.  “Wh … where am I?” she breathed, eyes taking in the scene before her.  This place was like no place on the Citadel she had ever seen before.  Above her, in the skies above Earth, she could see the evidence of battle.  Cannons blazing.  Debris floating aimlessly.  Bursts and flashes of explosions scattered throughout.  Biting back another groan, her eyes traveled back to land upon the owner of the voice, the hoary image of the child who had been haunting her dreams since her escape from Earth so many months before.  

And so it began.  The questions.  The answers.  Clarification.  And then … the choice.  It became clear, as Shepard sought out more and more information, that the ultimate fate of the galaxy would be solely up to her.  Alone.  Dread mixed with grim determination, filling her then.

_Skipper, you’re never alone._

Shepard’s gasp rang out in the air around her.  Eyes began darting around in a desperate search.   _Ash?  Where are you?_

Shepard felt a tight knot twist sharply in her chest, the dampness of a tear rolling down her cheek.   _Thane …._

_Glad to see you made it, Shepard._

Eyes closing tight, more tears escaped.   _Mordin.  I’m so sorry …_

_I’m not.  Had to be me._

Eyes wrenching back open, Shepard’s hand dropped to her waist, retrieving her pistol as she began hobbling forward.  It was time to make her choice.

As she moved, the voices became firm images in the back of her mind.  Their presence undeniable and very comforting.  Beside her, nearly one with her as she stood, was Kaysey.  Her twin.  Her other half.  Separated for so long, Shepard accepted that if this was indeed the end, she could finally find peace in reunification in that regard.

Ashley.  Standing tall and proud beside her, just as she had so often back on the SR1, Shepard could see the younger woman’s smile of encouragement as clearly as back then.  

Thane.  Shepard’s lips smiled as she enveloped herself in the memories of their time together.  Both had understood it would be limited, and but the method of departure would always make it seem too short.

Mordin.  The decisions come and gone.  Determinations.  Justifications.  Finally, all of it coming full circle.  

Anderson.  Shepard’s smile widened in welcome as he joined the rest.   _Wouldn’t have missed it_ , he told her.

Each step became more solid.  Firm.  Filled with purpose.   _You were born to do this_.  Garrus’ words echoed through her mind as she drew ever closer to the power conduit.  Long ago, Shepard accepted the fact that her life had been spared for some special purpose.  Garrus’ words only seemed to reinforce that belief.  

Arm rising, pistol levelling out, one shot took aim and escaped.  Then a second.  A third.  No hesitation.  No regrets.  This was the only way.  The only decision that would guarantee no more trouble from the Reapers.  More faces began to join the others then.   _Coats … Dr. Chakwas … Cortez … Traynor …_ A moment later, Shepard’s steps nearly faltered, eyes widening in horror at the thought of what their presence might mean.   _Kaidan … James … Liara … Garrus … Tali … Javik …_

_NO!_

_Relax, Skipper,_ Ash’s voice assured her.   _They are safe.  You are giving them that._

Swallowing back the distraction, Shepard continued forward.  At the very last moment, as she could see that all it would take would be one more shot, Shepard felt a warmth wash over her.  Through her.  Become her.   _Together again,_ Kaysey assured her, _at the beginning and at the end_.

Instinct had her finger moving against the trigger, her other arm rising in an automatic effort to protect her face as the conduit exploded around her.  Fire, flame, explosion.  And then everything around her went dark ....

 


	29. The Return

**_January 27, 2186_ **

 

Somewhere along the way, someone owed him a favor.  That had to be the reason.  Why else would he have received such privileged information?  His connection with the past had been severed over two years before.  And yet ….  Here he was, standing here waiting along with few privileged others, all of whose rank surpassed his by quite a bit.  It _HAD_ to have been someone who owed him a favor.  He knew that.  Suspected he knew _who_ too, based on previous discussions with both said superior.  And all because of the manipulations of two men at the tops of their fields.  

But that didn’t matter any longer.  At least, not in this moment.  He’d been forewarned, and that was enough.  It would be his one chance.  He had to take advantage.  

Assigning his classes off to another instructor for an afternoon hadn’t been difficult - he and the others often rotated instruction days - differing techniques kept the students on their toes and expecting the unexpected, after all.  Taking the afternoon for himself hadn’t been difficult either - he’d had yet another understanding superior to thank for that.  

So nothing remained in his way … except perhaps his own foolish pride.  

They came in under the cover of darkness; an unexpected and yet ‘normal’ winter storm, the likes of which had not yet hit the city this season.  There was less chance of a media frenzy this way, he figured, though reporters had been haunting the docks and Alliance HQ ever since word of the destruction of the Collector’s base had been leaked.  He didn’t know whose idea that had been, but the Major found it to be more of an annoyance than anything.  Those same reporters stopping anyone and everyone to find out every shredded and sordid detail they could; disrupting classes to try to obtain ‘exclusive’ interviews once they realized he had known her ....  

_Fallen From Grace …_

_Savior Becomes Slaughterer …_

_The REAL Commander Shepard: Spectre Gone Rogue?_

He shuddered at the titles as they flickered past his vision.  He’d done what he could to counsel restraint on their part, to allow the facts speak for themselves, but reporters would always be reporters.  And it didn’t matter that she was innocent until proven guilty.  Sensationalist headlines aside, Shepard still didn’t deserve this.  There was to be a hearing.  A trial.  All formal as proscribed by Alliance regulations.  The Batarians could complain all they liked, but they would not get her easily.  He would help see to that as much as he was able.  The press on the other hand … not so much.

When it came right down to it, though, the _Normandy_ arrived quietly in dock, skimming beneath the very media radar that had been in such a frenzied panic to find it.  And it was then, when the ship stopped right before him, that he suddenly could not find it in him to approach her.  From a distance, through panes of glass and some of the most ferocious of Vancouver winter weather possible that pelted humanity’s most famous - or infamous - prisoner in a long time, Commander Serafina Shepard arrived on Earth, a prisoner of the Alliance.

He first saw her exiting via the steps - hastily found and more reminiscent of the old, early days of trans-continental flight than inter-galactic space travel.  Hands in front of her, cuffed together; long dark ebony curls woven into a thick, messy plait laying across her left shoulder; dressed in rumpled BDUs that sagged and were likely a couple of sizes too big for her.  Her skin was so pale - more so than he remembered was usual - and yet it took him a very long moment to recall that she was always cold.  Always chilled.  Often could be found burrowed into a hoodie at the very least, even when on duty.  Today’s temperatures were sure to have her shivering uncontrollably.

And yet … she stood straight, tall, proud.  Eyes forward.  Shoulders back.  She was not cowed.  There was no sign of defeat.  She seemed, at least to him, to have that air of command that she often presented to those around her.  The smile that began tilting at his lips built as the memories of the years they had known one another flashed past.  Shepard was nothing if not a survivor.  Had he not witnessed that many times over since meeting her?  

A vehicle pulled up nearby; the colors and markings designating it as Alliance.  He cringed at the thought of them bundling her into the transport and carting her off to the brig.  But regulations were regulations, and now that she was back in the hands of the Alliance ….

“Major.”

Kaidan immediately straightened as he recognized the voice approaching him from behind.  “Sir.”  He did not turn or acknowledge the Admiral in any other manner.

Anderson stepped up to glance out the window, the fresh scent of rain and snow clinging to his uniform.  “You do realize this is just the beginning?”

Kaian nodded.  “I know … but you got her in without fanfare, without fuss,” he replied, watching the transport doors close as the vehicle pulled away and moved off out of sight.  Turning to Anderson, he added, “That’s something at least.”

“Hmm,” Anderson agreed.  “And a little more, too.”

Eyes narrowing, Kaidan let them ask the question he would not verbalize.  Anderson, however, simply chuckled.  Clapping the younger man by his shoulders, he murmured, “You’ll find out soon enough, son.  Now, I don’t think a request from a superior officer to review your students would be too amiss, do you?”

With one last parting glance over his shoulder, Kaidan nodded at Anderson.  “As you wish, sir,” he replied.


End file.
